25 Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

I have learned, relearned and currently learning several things throughout my 32 years of life. There are some things that I wish I could tell my younger self. Would I have listened? I do not know but it would have been worth a shot. But not all hope is lost though. I still have a chance to turn some of these things around. I would tell my younger self:

  1. Sex does not equate love.
  2. Do not be afraid to speak your mind.
  3. Love yourself.
  4. Stuffing your face or vagina does not solve any of your problems.
  5. Do not let anyone violate you and get away with it. Tell someone!
  6. Do not be afraid to try something new.
  7. Trust your instincts.
  8. Do not conform in order to make others feel better.
  9. You are beautiful and worthy.
  10. Do not put other people’s feelings before your own. Your feelings matter too!
  11. Pick 1 major in college and stick with it.
  12. Apply for more scholarships to avoid raking up student loans.
  13. Do not make some jerk the center of your universe.
  14. Do not change yourself or stick around hoping that some jerk will love or choose you.
  15. Adopt a healthier lifestyle.
  16. Do not give your power away.
  17. When you realize it is time to let go, please let go.
  18. Avoid credit card debt.
  19. Be more confident.
  20. Do not be anyone’s flunkie!
  21. Do not hold any grudges.
  22. Do not become involved with a man who is romantically and emotionally unavailable.
  23. Do not let past mistakes or missed opportunities consume you.
  24. Become more proactive and positive. Do not give up so easily when you are depressed or frustrated.
  25. Getting help for a mood disorder should not make you feel embarrassed or less than a person.

What are some things that you would tell your younger self?

You Just Miss My P*ssy!

I miss you girl. I swear!

A couple of weeks ago, I was celebrating my best friend’s birthday and saw a missed call on my phone. It was from Lawyer. If you recall, Lawyer and I parted ways a couple of months because he told me that he would never date a Black woman and that they were only good for sex.  That situation really hurt me because I thought I knew him and I wouldn’t have been intimate with a man who felt such a way. He sent a text asking for a call back. Maybe I should have ignored it but nonetheless, I was curious about what he had to say.

As soon as he picked up the phone, there was no greeting. He hurriedly said that he missed me as if he had been dying to say it. I was silent. I did not know how to respond. Instead, I changed the subject and asked about everything under the sun. I asked about the Bar Exam, job search, his mother—anything that I could think of that couldn’t invoke emotions on my part .

He then asked if he could see me later that night. Again, there was silence on my behalf. He took note of my lackluster responses and said that I didn’t seem too interested in seeing him. In classic Nisha fashion, I did not want to hurt his feelings and told him that I would see him after the festivities. It was a lie. I wasn’t planning on seeing him. It was after 11pm. I was surrounded by people and couldn’t say how I truly felt. But I also didn’t want to pull a Mimi from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta and say, “You hurt me to my core.” I was cold throughout the phone call.

After I ended the phone call, he immediately texted, “I really do miss you and I’m sorry (that) I messed things up.” I told him that I couldn’t see him and that what we went through really hurt me. He said that he wanted to kiss me. That’s when I knew something was up. This man never kissed me unless I initiated it. I eventually gave up kissing him all together!

I think he said those things to butter me up for a booty call. After that, I didn’t respond. He texted me again around 3am and the next afternoon. He wanted to know why I was acting mean. I told him that I wasn’t trying to be mean but I couldn’t let him get close enough to hurt me ever again. He replied with “wow” and I haven’t heard from him since.

This realization stung a bit because it reminded me of a previous experience. I didn’t share this on the blog but shortly after I began seeing Lawyer, Text contacted me. He wanted to see me. When I asked him upfront if he just wanted sex, he said something to the effect of, “Did I say that I wanted anything else from you?” After that asshole of a response, I picked my face off the floor and bid him farewell for good!

Let keep it real. Lawyer didn’t miss me. I know what he missed! He missed my mouth, pussy and the occasional anus. How can I be mad at him though? From the beginning, I allowed this happened. He saw me as a piece of ass because I put myself out there as a piece of ass. I didn’t set forth any expectations. I didn’t require anything more than an orgasm. This is why self-love is so important. I have been in many casual relationships looking for love outside of myself when I should have been looking inside all along. That saying is true, “If don’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?”

P.S. I haven’t had sex since June 26th. It’s been hard not giving the boys milkstaches from my milkshake but I’m trying my damndest!

Update: I just found out that he recently took a job in another city. So perhaps he wanted to have one last screw and totally disappear on me. Wow. I am literally speechless right now. I’m glad that I didn’t see him!