Side Chick Approved?

Disclaimer: I may sound petty and whiny but it’ my blog. I can be petty and whiny if I want to.

For the past couple of years I have noticed that the men I was involved with sexually or otherwise are now in stable relationships with other women. At first I did not give a damn but lately, it has been doing something to my spirit y’all. The One Who Loves To Text, The One Who Was My Lawyer, The One Who Is Special, and The One Who Was Too Young are now parading their relationships for all of Facebook to see.  I find this peculiar because half of these guys claimed that they didn’t want Facebook in their business when we were involved. Things that make you go hmm.

Anywho…a particular incident had an effect on me and it came from somewhere I least expected. For the past year or so, Young and I have been constant contact. He claimed that he was single and that he wanted me to be his boo. Of course I did not take him too seriously. I won’t fake the funk; a part of me liked the attention. After our horrible sexual encounter, I did not feel the need the have sex with him again. That sure didn’t stop him from trying though! A part of me found his persistence somewhat endearing. It made me feel desired.

To make a long story short, I saw that he recently got engaged to his girlfriend on Facebook. Yep. Girlfriend. It turned out he had one the entire time.  There he was on bended knee proposing to a dainty petite woman as their closest friends look on.  Soon to follow were pics of her showing off her ring which was pretty damn gorgeous by the way.

Jealousy started to set in. Why was she the type of chick that a man wanted to marry? Furthermore, why was I the type of chick that guys wanted to fool around with secretly?  Was I not pretty enough? Was I too fat? Too mousy? Just a wet hole and nothing more? All of these self-defeating thoughts and more swam in my head. Why was this affecting me so much?! I don’t even like this dude romantically. I’m still gaga over The One Who Is a Silver Fox!

A few days later, Young had the nerve to contact me via text message.


Young: I want to take you out to breakfast.

Me: I’m pretty sure your fiancée wouldn’t like that. You’ve been acting like you didn’t have someone the whole time.



Young: Lol you can be my side boo if you like. I’ll pay you.

Me: I’ll pass. I don’t want to be someone’s dirty little secret. I don’t want to be a side boo, chick, bitch, pussy, etc. Call me silly but I’d like to think that I deserve more than that.

Young: You do tho.

Young: I’ll still buy you breakfast lol.

Me: Thanks but no thanks.

I don’t know why I even replied to his text anyway. Perhaps I was looking for a “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about my fiancee” apology.  I definitely wasn’t looking for a “You can be my side chick and I’ll pay you like a hooker” type of ish.

It is not the fact that he got engaged per se. It’s a combination of things. It seems like dudes are by passing me like I have Ebola when it comes to relationships. I’m 35, childless, and sleep alone every damn night. Am I not a fucking catch? A sista can not live on dick alone.

I’m either faced with unrequited love or attract dudes who want a side chick. Do I have “Side Chick Approved” stamped on my forehead? I can not say that I’m completely faultless though; I let men treat me this way for far too long. Perhaps I didn’t think I was worthy to receive more. Sigh. At this point, I’m just done. So done.

Maniac Mistake

Overspending is one of the many symptoms of bipolar disorder. Some people overspend when they are maniac. Some overspend during depressive episodes. Some do both. My overspending occurs more when I am maniac. I want everything in sight and feel worthless when I cannot have it. I feel as though I deserve it even if I am spending money that was allotted for something important. I do not think things through or fear the consequences of my impulsive actions.

Before I was diagnosed for bipolar disorder in 2007, I ruined my credit by 22 years old. I spent all my bill money on things that were not necessary (e.g. clothes, hair extensions, recreation, etc). I opened up bank accounts that were eventually closed due to excessive bad checks and overdrafting.

Some time last year, a bulk of my charged off accounts were dropped from my credit report. My credit score improved and I began to receive pre-approved offers in the mail. I was ecstatic and felt that this improvement would be beneficial for my future. My car has been stolen since last year and my plan was to get another one once I got financially stable.

I initially ignored the pre-screened offers. But during some of my maniac phases, I applied for credit accounts. As of today, I have 7 credit accounts. Six of them stay maxed out because I have to use what I put into them to live each month. I am even paying 1 of my credit cards with another credit card. I cannot afford these payments and I end up in the red every month.

I have to get help from my mother and it is so embarrassing. I am supposed to help her in her old age. I promised my father on his death bed that I would. I am supposed to be a responsible and productive adult. I feel like such a failure at times. I often wonder if she feels the same. I turn down many invitations to go out because I do not want people to know how I destitute I am. My close friends are understanding and pay for many of our outings but it only makes me feel worse.

I feel swallowed whole by this debt. A part of me just wants to stop paying these bills and ditch my credit again but it took so long for me to get back to this point. I cannot afford to disregard my bills and wait another 7+ years for another breakthrough. I will be 40 years old!

Sigh. I need to do better. This is ridiculous. I feel so ridiculous. Sorry for complaining. I just needed to vent.