Maniac Mistake

Overspending is one of the many symptoms of bipolar disorder. Some people overspend when they are maniac. Some overspend during depressive episodes. Some do both. My overspending occurs more when I am maniac. I want everything in sight and feel worthless when I cannot have it. I feel as though I deserve it even if I am spending money that was allotted for something important. I do not think things through or fear the consequences of my impulsive actions.

Before I was diagnosed for bipolar disorder in 2007, I ruined my credit by 22 years old. I spent all my bill money on things that were not necessary (e.g. clothes, hair extensions, recreation, etc). I opened up bank accounts that were eventually closed due to excessive bad checks and overdrafting.

Some time last year, a bulk of my charged off accounts were dropped from my credit report. My credit score improved and I began to receive pre-approved offers in the mail. I was ecstatic and felt that this improvement would be beneficial for my future. My car has been stolen since last year and my plan was to get another one once I got financially stable.

I initially ignored the pre-screened offers. But during some of my maniac phases, I applied for credit accounts. As of today, I have 7 credit accounts. Six of them stay maxed out because I have to use what I put into them to live each month. I am even paying 1 of my credit cards with another credit card. I cannot afford these payments and I end up in the red every month.

I have to get help from my mother and it is so embarrassing. I am supposed to help her in her old age. I promised my father on his death bed that I would. I am supposed to be a responsible and productive adult. I feel like such a failure at times. I often wonder if she feels the same. I turn down many invitations to go out because I do not want people to know how I destitute I am. My close friends are understanding and pay for many of our outings but it only makes me feel worse.

I feel swallowed whole by this debt. A part of me just wants to stop paying these bills and ditch my credit again but it took so long for me to get back to this point. I cannot afford to disregard my bills and wait another 7+ years for another breakthrough. I will be 40 years old!

Sigh. I need to do better. This is ridiculous. I feel so ridiculous. Sorry for complaining. I just needed to vent.


I Am Not Your Whore (Part II)

Something happened last night that still has me infuriated. For several months, this guy—let’s call him The One Who Never Let Up has been messaging me via Facebook. We went to the same high school but I really didn’t know him all that well. He has been trying to date me but I wasn’t attracted to him so I always rejected his come ons. Yesterday, he told me that he would love to take me out and wants to get to know me better. And I thought to myself, “Maybe I have been a little hard on him. I could have at least one conversation with him.” I gave him my number and said that he could call me in the evening.

Well, instead of calling, he texts me. That was a red flag especially when he said that he would call. How do you expect to get to know someone via text? I brushed it off. He wanted to come over that same evening to watch movies at my place. Excuse me? Sitting on my couch and watching a movie isn’t considered a date. If you’re so dying to take me out like you’ve stated so many times, then make the effort to take me out. I wasn’t having it. I know the movie at your/my place thing all too well. The guy is either too cheap or wants to put his pickle in your jar but mainly both. I can see it now. He would try to kiss me and grab a tit. Perhaps try to lift up my shirt to suck a tit. Then his hand would go lower and lower and we would end up in my bedroom (if I decided to give in).

I wanted to be wooed. I’m sick of looking at these four walls. Show me why I should give you a chance. Besides, there are two things that I don’t like: last minute plans and unexpected company. So I told him that I already had plans and that I was available this weekend. I didn’t want to make myself too available. I told him that I had a dinner plans and would chat with him tomorrow.

He text me back a few hours later. I text back and reiterated that we would chat the next day. He then had the nerve to send the following text:

“U nasty I hope we can do it too this week.”

WTF? Not only did he assume that I was having sex (which I wasn’t by the way and if I was, it isn’t his any of his damn business) he managed to blatantly disrespect me. I have never been so livid in all my life. I usually let things roll off my back and play the passive aggressive role. But this time I had enough. He wasn’t going to disrespect me get away with it!

This was my reply:

“Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think I am texting that shit to me? I can fuck or not fuck whomever I choose. I won’t be fucking you. LOSE MY FUCKING NUMBER!”

He then said that I shouldn’t be like that, apologized, and said that we would talk tomorrow. But I wasn’t about to have that either. I told him to never contact me again.

I don’t get it. Why I am always attracting the “I just wanna fuck” types. It’s not like I’m crossing and uncrossing my legs to show my barenaked snatch like Sharon Stone. I don’t dress in a provocative way. I sure ass hell don’t go on Facebook and make sexually suggestive status updates and comments—I think. I do love sex but a sista wants to be wooed too. I have several things to offer other than my pleasantly plump body. I have a mind. I have a heart. I have a soul. I have feelings damn it! I am more than a hot snatch and mouth.

I went to Facebook last night and asked my friends if I overreacted. Why was I second guessing my response? Of course I was justified in cutting all ties. But I know why I asked. I am not used to standing up for myself. I used to putting up with disrespect. I hold stuff in until I snap. And that is not healthy. I have so much built up resentment over words that I’ve never said. Telling him off was empowering! And I would do it again! Happily!