Self-Love: The Struggle is Real

Writing my book has been a cathartic experience for me. Some of it was very hard to write but it was also liberating. The one thing that I struggle with is self-love. One may think that it is easy but there are times that I stumble. I wrote the following poems to challenge myself to look inward and learn how to love myself. 

self-love

if you eat men
and still feel
like you’re starving,
you’re craving something
that they cannot give.

don’t expect men
to fill vessels
that were gifted
to you to overflow.

darling,
find passion
and self-worth within
instead of
locking them
inside of men
who like swallowing keys
so they can keep you
all to themselves.


self-love ii

self-love is a journey.
sometimes you have to take it
in the heat of the day.
you will find yourself
on the side of the road
thirsty, sweaty
and out of breath.

you will crave
instant gratification.
you will want to slither
your way back to your
choice of poison,
throw your head back
and take a desperate gulp
because their skin
is all you know.

please don’t.
it’s time to learn
new things.

it’s time to give the love
you denied yourself
but frantically searched
for in others.
it’s time to realize that
love was never trapped
underneath their
lips and fingertips.
you held it hostage
the entire time.

If you can relate to the following and/or would like to show your support, please consider buying my book. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Createspace

 

Advertisements

Update: Surgery, Recovery & More

As some of you may know, I had my myomectomy on Feburary 12th. A new fibroid was discovered and the surgeons were able to remove a 5cm tumor and two more that were half that size. The biggest one (7cm) was left behind. The doctor said that I would have lost my uterus if it was removed. He also said that after I’ve healed completely I need to aggressively have a baby because time is running out. Once I give birth my uterus has to be removed.

I suppose the news isn’t surprising but still saddening nonetheless. Another doctor said that I needed to have a baby due to the severity of my fibroids a few year back. I guess a part of me was waiting on my knight in shining amour to sweep me off my feet and have babies with me but maybe I need to let that dream go. Maybe I just need to go ahead and become another single black mother statistic. Is there a “be my baby daddy” website out there? I honesty don’t know what to do at this point. Maybe I’ll gain more clarity once I’m healed in a couple of months. Pray for me, send some positive vibes, etc.

Recovery was a bit challenging. My mother came every morning for about two weeks but I didn’t have any help in the evening. The painkillers also made me hallucinate like crazy. I don’t know if it is because I’m bipolar or what. It was definitely a scary experience! It’s been about three weeks and there’s some pain but I’m getting better day by day.

In other news…

I’m currently working on a poetry book that I’m self-publishing through createspace. I’ve been writing poetry since a pre-teen and always had a love for poetry. With the emergence of poetry from Warsan Shire, Rapi Kaur, Nayyiah Waheed and others, I finally feel more inspired than ever to publish. I can’t say that I’ll be as eloquent as they are because I can be self-deprecating at times and that’s ok.  We all can’t be the same.

The working title is The Chaos of Longing. It briefly touches on trauma and living with bipolar disorder but the meat of the book is about the chaos of longing for flesh, affection, self-love, and healing. And of course some of men I discuss on the blog will make an appearance. Check out excerpts on kyrobinson.net.