These Damn Fibroids

If you recall about 3 years I went to the gynecologist and found out I had fibroids after a few years of irregular and heavy menstrual cycles.  For the past couple of years my cycle has gotten worse. Although it comes regularly now, it’s much heavier, 7-12 days long, and extremely painful. There are times that I cannot get out of bed. I have to wear two overnight pads and change them every 2-3 hours. I pass blood clots that are the size of plums. I have nagging pelvic pain every single day. My stomach feels full as hell even when I’m hungry as hell. I have back pain. I’m anemic and but still feel weak half the time even though my prescribed dose has been doubled. It’s excruciating y’all.

10hrs

Up to 10 hours? Yeah for normal va jay jays!

So I tried to get another opinion. She prescribed me birth control. At our last appointment in March she basically fat shamed me and said that I if didn’t lose weight I would have to find another provider. So I decided to get a third opinion and leave her because, yeah, she’s a bitch.

Third doctor tried to discourage surgery this past summer. She said that they may come back and that they may need to take out my uterus. So she prescribed birth control for the pain and to lessen the flow. But here’s the thing…I would like to conceive someday. I can’t stay on birth control forever. I also tend to forget to take them sometimes. She also requested a trans-vaginal ultrasound but the hospital didn’t take my damn insurance. Sigh.

I started to feel hopeless but sought out a fourth opinion anyway. This past Monday I went to see someone new about my fibroids. I’ve had enough. I expressed my concerns to the gynecologist and for the first time I felt like someone was listening to me! We discussed options, invasive and non-invasive. He also did blood work to check my blood count. He also examined my uterus. I began to scream out in pain.

“Yeah, you’re going to need surgery. You have a 18 to 20 week uterus,”he said as he felt around.

“Are you serious?????!!!!!”

None of the previous doctors gave me such information. Here’s an illustration I snagged from thebump.com in case you need a visual. I know I did!

uterusweeks

The normal size of a non-pregnant uterus is the size of upside pear or about 7cm. So an 18-20 week pregnancy is close to the belly button and it’s about 18-20 centimeters. So I’m basically about 5 months pregnant with fibroids instead of a baby. After he examined me, I can still feel where he’s been a few days later. I have pain from my belly button down to my pelvis. My shortness of breath has worsen.

I’m having a trans-vaginal ultrasound this Friday. Once he gets back the results, we are going to have a more in-depth discussion about options next week.

Although surgery scares me, I’m just glad that someone finally took my concerns seriously. Took 3 damn years though! I hope I don’t need a hysterectomy.

Side Chick Approved?

Disclaimer: I may sound petty and whiny but it’ my blog. I can be petty and whiny if I want to.

For the past couple of years I have noticed that the men I was involved with sexually or otherwise are now in stable relationships with other women. At first I did not give a damn but lately, it has been doing something to my spirit y’all. The One Who Loves To Text, The One Who Was My Lawyer, The One Who Is Special, and The One Who Was Too Young are now parading their relationships for all of Facebook to see.  I find this peculiar because half of these guys claimed that they didn’t want Facebook in their business when we were involved. Things that make you go hmm.

Anywho…a particular incident had an effect on me and it came from somewhere I least expected. For the past year or so, Young and I have been constant contact. He claimed that he was single and that he wanted me to be his boo. Of course I did not take him too seriously. I won’t fake the funk; a part of me liked the attention. After our horrible sexual encounter, I did not feel the need the have sex with him again. That sure didn’t stop him from trying though! A part of me found his persistence somewhat endearing. It made me feel desired.

To make a long story short, I saw that he recently got engaged to his girlfriend on Facebook. Yep. Girlfriend. It turned out he had one the entire time.  There he was on bended knee proposing to a dainty petite woman as their closest friends look on.  Soon to follow were pics of her showing off her ring which was pretty damn gorgeous by the way.

Jealousy started to set in. Why was she the type of chick that a man wanted to marry? Furthermore, why was I the type of chick that guys wanted to fool around with secretly?  Was I not pretty enough? Was I too fat? Too mousy? Just a wet hole and nothing more? All of these self-defeating thoughts and more swam in my head. Why was this affecting me so much?! I don’t even like this dude romantically. I’m still gaga over The One Who Is a Silver Fox!

A few days later, Young had the nerve to contact me via text message.

 

Young: I want to take you out to breakfast.

Me: I’m pretty sure your fiancée wouldn’t like that. You’ve been acting like you didn’t have someone the whole time.

Young:
sideeye

 

Young: Lol you can be my side boo if you like. I’ll pay you.

Me: I’ll pass. I don’t want to be someone’s dirty little secret. I don’t want to be a side boo, chick, bitch, pussy, etc. Call me silly but I’d like to think that I deserve more than that.

Young: You do tho.

Young: I’ll still buy you breakfast lol.

Me: Thanks but no thanks.

I don’t know why I even replied to his text anyway. Perhaps I was looking for a “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about my fiancee” apology.  I definitely wasn’t looking for a “You can be my side chick and I’ll pay you like a hooker” type of ish.

It is not the fact that he got engaged per se. It’s a combination of things. It seems like dudes are by passing me like I have Ebola when it comes to relationships. I’m 35, childless, and sleep alone every damn night. Am I not a fucking catch? A sista can not live on dick alone.

I’m either faced with unrequited love or attract dudes who want a side chick. Do I have “Side Chick Approved” stamped on my forehead? I can not say that I’m completely faultless though; I let men treat me this way for far too long. Perhaps I didn’t think I was worthy to receive more. Sigh. At this point, I’m just done. So done.