It Wasn’t My Race???

Sorry for not posting regularly. This is my last semester in grad school. I’ve also been putting the final touches on my poetry and prose collection, the chaos of longing. It’s frustrating but exciting becoming an indie author. Buy my book when it comes out. I need light bill money. Ha! The poetry is relatable, lusty, heartbreaking, and honest—sans humor. It’s kinda like this blog but with metaphors and not as wordy. Follow @_kyrobinson on Instagram or go to to view excerpts.

Anywho. Back to the subject at hand.

About 3 months ago I was lonely and feeling a bit ravenous. I hopped in the shower, shaved (everywhere), and oiled my body until I was glistening like Lupita Nyong’o! I asked Soothed if I could come over. It was quite late and I figured I didn’t have to spell out my intentions.

I sat on the couch as he played Dungeon and Dragons on his PC. After a few excruciating minutes he started up the Netflix. I just knew that the “Chill” part was right around the corner. Yes! Do me baby! (RIP to Prince though.) Usually around the 10 or 20-minute mark he’s discovering my right nipple.  I’ve relied on this fact for years.


I gave him the light touches he couldn’t resist. I made sexual innuendos. I gave him the come hither stare. The cleavage was sitting high and looking ripe. Nothing worked. I even said that I was horny as a last ditch effort.


Come on! It’s right there! Touch it. Touch it.

He was not catching what I was pitching. Awkward.

Towards the end of the movie, he received a text message and replied. By the next alert he’s lighting up like a Christmas tree. Awkwardness filled the room. He must have felt it too. He put his phone away and rejoined me on the couch.

I got up to use his bathroom. When I returned, he was back on his phone! He came back to the couch and claimed he was sleepy. I knew that was a lie. He made a production of it too. He yawned and laid his head on my shoulder. I told him I would go and let him get some rest. He told me to stay. He put on a new movie but continued to work on his craft. This Oscar unworthy performance was getting ridiculous. I took the hint and my ass back upstairs!

I remembered this behavior. When he met his ex, he became very distant. I decided to never speak to him again after that night. We crossed paths a couple of times but I pretended not to see him.

I couldn’t pretend that he didn’t exist yesterday.

My car stalled at an intersection during rush hour. I felt emotional, alone, and sweating like a pig in the Texas heat. A tow truck was being dispatched within the hour. Soothed saw me and pulled over. He got in my car and sat on the passenger side. I began to cry. He was the only person to stop. He told me that he didn’t know much about cars but would sit with me for a while.

He apologized for his behavior a few months ago and gave me an explanation that I already knew. He has a new girlfriend. He met her online and it was getting serious. So serious that he’s moving in with her. He asked if I wanted to see a picture of her. Of out curiosity I said yes. The pic took me by complete surprise.

She was black.

All this time I thought that he didn’t want to purse a relationship with me because I was black. I never threw the race card in his face but I took what he told me as prejudicial. Now I’m aware that it wasn’t my race; it was just me as a person. There was some relief but I also wondered why I wasn’t good enough. I guess he saw something in her in these past few months that he never saw in me for 5+ years.

Story of my life. Go figure.

I didn’t reveal those feelings though. I was just grateful that he was there for me in a moment when I felt so completely alone. Fridays is Dungeon and Dragons game night and he was running late. We shared a few gut busting laughs. He gushed about her  in between. Before leaving he said, “I love you sweetie. Text me to let me know you made it home safe.” At that moment I recalled what he told me a few years ago—some people are just meant to be friends.

These Damn Fibroids

If you recall about 3 years I went to the gynecologist and found out I had fibroids after a few years of irregular and heavy menstrual cycles.  For the past couple of years my cycle has gotten worse. Although it comes regularly now, it’s much heavier, 7-12 days long, and extremely painful. There are times that I cannot get out of bed. I have to wear two overnight pads and change them every 2-3 hours. I pass blood clots that are the size of plums. I have nagging pelvic pain every single day. My stomach feels full as hell even when I’m hungry as hell. I have back pain. I’m anemic and but still feel weak half the time even though my prescribed dose has been doubled. It’s excruciating y’all.


Up to 10 hours? Yeah for normal va jay jays!

So I tried to get another opinion. She prescribed me birth control. At our last appointment in March she basically fat shamed me and said that I if didn’t lose weight I would have to find another provider. So I decided to get a third opinion and leave her because, yeah, she’s a bitch.

Third doctor tried to discourage surgery this past summer. She said that they may come back and that they may need to take out my uterus. So she prescribed birth control for the pain and to lessen the flow. But here’s the thing…I would like to conceive someday. I can’t stay on birth control forever. I also tend to forget to take them sometimes. She also requested a trans-vaginal ultrasound but the hospital didn’t take my damn insurance. Sigh.

I started to feel hopeless but sought out a fourth opinion anyway. This past Monday I went to see someone new about my fibroids. I’ve had enough. I expressed my concerns to the gynecologist and for the first time I felt like someone was listening to me! We discussed options, invasive and non-invasive. He also did blood work to check my blood count. He also examined my uterus. I began to scream out in pain.

“Yeah, you’re going to need surgery. You have a 18 to 20 week uterus,”he said as he felt around.

“Are you serious?????!!!!!”

None of the previous doctors gave me such information. Here’s an illustration I snagged from in case you need a visual. I know I did!


The normal size of a non-pregnant uterus is the size of upside pear or about 7cm. So an 18-20 week pregnancy is close to the belly button and it’s about 18-20 centimeters. So I’m basically about 5 months pregnant with fibroids instead of a baby. After he examined me, I can still feel where he’s been a few days later. I have pain from my belly button down to my pelvis. My shortness of breath has worsen.

I’m having a trans-vaginal ultrasound this Friday. Once he gets back the results, we are going to have a more in-depth discussion about options next week.

Although surgery scares me, I’m just glad that someone finally took my concerns seriously. Took 3 damn years though! I hope I don’t need a hysterectomy.