Sh*t I Learned (or Relearned) in 2014

  1. I’m not ready to date. I’ve activated and reactivated my OK Cupid and POF accounts more than I can count. The thought of dating terrifies me. I’m still searching for myself and I’m not together financially, spiritually, and emotionally. It could also could be attributed to not being used to dating; I’m used to situationships aka booty calls. I sometimes feel if someone got to know the real me—behind my witty and fun loving nature—they would undoubtedly run for the damn hills. I’m also afraid of getting hurt again. It’s easier getting your feelings hurt by a booty call than an actual boyfriend. I naturally expect rejection from romantically or emotionally unavailable men no matter how much it may suck.
  2. I’m tired of being an occasional snack. I’ve been bumping uglies with The One Who Sets Me on Fire off and on. I’ve gone months without seeing or hearing from him. He sent me a Facebook message wishing me Happy New Year and that he was “itching for [my] juiciness”. Instead of being my usual needy self, I simply wished him a Happy New Year and ignored the innuendo. He was the last man to touch my body but I’m just sick and tired of being his occasional snack. I don’t want a relationship but at least don’t make me feel like you’re using me. (in my Chandler Bing voice) “Could you be any more obvious?”
  3. I went to grad school for the wrong reason. I went to grad school to get quick money to purchase another car. (The previous one was stolen.) A year later, the car needed an engine. Where can I quickly pull $1500+ out my ass? School of course. I’ve looked for employment off and on and the loan money has given me extra income in the meantime. The money ran out last semester and I haven’t paid my credit cards in 3 months. Bummer. In 2015, I have to find gainful employment! These bills are no joke! It would be nice to get money that I don’t have to pay back!
  4. I’m really into healing crystals! When I was a little girl, I was fascinated with these small pebbles my mama used to get in the mail. I would dig in the yard looking for more but I always found marbles. I thought they had magical powers too. Upon learning more, I now know that my mother probably received clear quartz thumb stones. I’ve collected several tumble stones and a jade yoni egg. I want to significantly increase my collection in 2015. I also want to balance my overactive and underactive chakras. Smokey quartz and carnelian are my favorite gemstones!
  5. I’m an empath. I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. When others tell me their problems, I find myself absorbing their pain instead of offering viable solutions. When I see complete strangers happy, upset, or sad, I soak up their feelings like a sponge. I overindulge in food to combat emotional stress. I could go on and on but I didn’t realize this until I start learning more about healing crystals. Go figure.
  6. It’s ok to say no. I have a hard time saying no but I have seen some minor improvements in 2014. I don’t feel as obligated to answer calls or texts, to be someone’s lackey, or to have sex. I’ve turned down a few romps in the hay with men from my past in 2014. The 2013 me probably would have taken them on the offer. I haven’t shaved my legs, underarms, and yoni in months and it is f*cking liberating!
  7. I need a spiritual outlet. I’m not the biggest fan of religion. Since denouncing religion, I really haven’t taken the time to become spirituality attuned with the universe or even myself. In order to become more spiritually aware, I also need align the mental and physical. That’s gonna take a lotta work. Wish me luck y’all!

What did you learned (or relearned) in 2014?

P.S. January 6th is my birthday. I’ll be 35. Gosh, I’m damn near 40.

Just Another Folder (Part I of II)

On my way home a few weeks ago, I ran into Soothed. He invited me in to catch up. I told him briefly about a guy I was interested in and he told me about his dating life. He went to his computer to show pictures of them. I felt that it was weird that he wanted to show me photos but I went along with it. I was curious anyway. Also, a part of me felt that he did it out of jealously because of the new guy or to one up me.

I assumed that the photos would come from a dating or social networking site but boy was I wrong! He had a special folder on his computer dedicated to these women—about 60 of them. I asked if he slept with all them and he claimed that he only been with about 60% of them. He gave a brief description, pointed out their character flaws and the reason(s) why they no longer dated. It was a bit TMI but curiosity killed the cat. I was used to his ramblings. The women he met online were from different walks of life and nationalities. Some were fully clothed, in lingerie, or naked.

I spotted a folder with my name on it. I asked him to open it. In this folder, in all their glory, were nude pics I sent him 2-3 years ago. I was shocked that he still had these photos. Thank goodness they were faceless! I asked him to delete the photos in a jokingly manner but a part of me knew that he’d probably dig them out the recycle bin or had backups elsewhere.

He went through a folder of someone that he dated sometime in 2010.  He said that it didn’t work with her because, “It was a sexual thing for me. I didn’t have romantic feelings with her—just like with you.” I was shocked. I wasn’t shocked because he didn’t have romantic feelings for me. I already knew that. It was how nonchalant the statement rolled off his tongue. Why did he feel the need to remind me that he never wanted to be with me.

“You didn’t have to say that,” I irritatingly replied.

“I was just saying. I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

“You didn’t have to say that,” I repeated.

His statement and the redundancy of the folders began to irritate me . I wanted to leave but didn’t want to do it so abruptly. I was too proud to show that he got under my skin. He opened another folder by mistake and backed out of it quickly What I saw couldn’t be unseen. It was a picture of a cross-dresser.

“Was that a tranny?” I asked as nicely as I possibly could. “Is there something that you want to tell me? I won’t judge.” I lied. I was judging. Judging harshly.

“Yeah. It’s a tranny,” he said as he reopened the file, “Nothing ever happened. It was just photos.”

Just photos? A part of me didn’t believe him. What straight man has pics of a cross-dresser in a red teddy and matching boa? What skeleton just landed out his closet and unto my lap? What was I suppose to do with these bones?