Mini Matchmaker

For the past few months my 10 year-old niece has been on a quest to match me up with someone. First it was a guy that was helping my sis and her boyfriend move to their new house. When I arrived to help pack up boxes she told me (as she fluttered her eyes) “I need for you to put on some makeup, fix your hair, and brush your teeth.” Huh? Brush my teeth?

(Sidenote: I’m assuming she meant whiten instead of brushing. I always brush my teeth y’all. Let’s make that ish clear. Ha!)

My sister looks at her and said, “She’s trying to hook you up with the moving guy.”

All I could do was laugh.

My profile has been hidden for months on POF. When they sent a notification that I had a new message I simply ignored it. One day I decided to log in because I was bored. My niece sent the following message to some random dude:

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Using “won’t” instead of “want” made me cringe more than anything.

My mouth dropped. I checked out his profile anyway but I didn’t feel like we had anything in common but I didn’t want to leave him hanging waiting on a date so…

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I talked to my niece about it. In the end I found it quite hilarious that she has more cajones than I do but she definitely needs to stay in a child’s place. I think she’s trying to help a chronically single sista out. The other day she told me that she wants me to have babies even if it’s through adoption because she doesn’t want me to be alone. I wanted to cry like a big ass baby after she said that.

Sh*t I Learned (or Relearned) in 2014

  1. I’m not ready to date. I’ve activated and reactivated my OK Cupid and POF accounts more than I can count. The thought of dating terrifies me. I’m still searching for myself and I’m not together financially, spiritually, and emotionally. It could also could be attributed to not being used to dating; I’m used to situationships aka booty calls. I sometimes feel if someone got to know the real me—behind my witty and fun loving nature—they would undoubtedly run for the damn hills. I’m also afraid of getting hurt again. It’s easier getting your feelings hurt by a booty call than an actual boyfriend. I naturally expect rejection from romantically or emotionally unavailable men no matter how much it may suck.
  2. I’m tired of being an occasional snack. I’ve been bumping uglies with The One Who Sets Me on Fire off and on. I’ve gone months without seeing or hearing from him. He sent me a Facebook message wishing me Happy New Year and that he was “itching for [my] juiciness”. Instead of being my usual needy self, I simply wished him a Happy New Year and ignored the innuendo. He was the last man to touch my body but I’m just sick and tired of being his occasional snack. I don’t want a relationship but at least don’t make me feel like you’re using me. (in my Chandler Bing voice) “Could you be any more obvious?”
  3. I went to grad school for the wrong reason. I went to grad school to get quick money to purchase another car. (The previous one was stolen.) A year later, the car needed an engine. Where can I quickly pull $1500+ out my ass? School of course. I’ve looked for employment off and on and the loan money has given me extra income in the meantime. The money ran out last semester and I haven’t paid my credit cards in 3 months. Bummer. In 2015, I have to find gainful employment! These bills are no joke! It would be nice to get money that I don’t have to pay back!
  4. I’m really into healing crystals! When I was a little girl, I was fascinated with these small pebbles my mama used to get in the mail. I would dig in the yard looking for more but I always found marbles. I thought they had magical powers too. Upon learning more, I now know that my mother probably received clear quartz thumb stones. I’ve collected several tumble stones and a jade yoni egg. I want to significantly increase my collection in 2015. I also want to balance my overactive and underactive chakras. Smokey quartz and carnelian are my favorite gemstones!
  5. I’m an empath. I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. When others tell me their problems, I find myself absorbing their pain instead of offering viable solutions. When I see complete strangers happy, upset, or sad, I soak up their feelings like a sponge. I overindulge in food to combat emotional stress. I could go on and on but I didn’t realize this until I start learning more about healing crystals. Go figure.
  6. It’s ok to say no. I have a hard time saying no but I have seen some minor improvements in 2014. I don’t feel as obligated to answer calls or texts, to be someone’s lackey, or to have sex. I’ve turned down a few romps in the hay with men from my past in 2014. The 2013 me probably would have taken them on the offer. I haven’t shaved my legs, underarms, and yoni in months and it is f*cking liberating!
  7. I need a spiritual outlet. I’m not the biggest fan of religion. Since denouncing religion, I really haven’t taken the time to become spirituality attuned with the universe or even myself. In order to become more spiritually aware, I also need align the mental and physical. That’s gonna take a lotta work. Wish me luck y’all!

What did you learned (or relearned) in 2014?

P.S. January 6th is my birthday. I’ll be 35. Gosh, I’m damn near 40.