Sh*t I Learned (or Relearned) in 2014

  1. I’m not ready to date. I’ve activated and reactivated my OK Cupid and POF accounts more than I can count. The thought of dating terrifies me. I’m still searching for myself and I’m not together financially, spiritually, and emotionally. It could also could be attributed to not being used to dating; I’m used to situationships aka booty calls. I sometimes feel if someone got to know the real me—behind my witty and fun loving nature—they would undoubtedly run for the damn hills. I’m also afraid of getting hurt again. It’s easier getting your feelings hurt by a booty call than an actual boyfriend. I naturally expect rejection from romantically or emotionally unavailable men no matter how much it may suck.
  2. I’m tired of being an occasional snack. I’ve been bumping uglies with The One Who Sets Me on Fire off and on. I’ve gone months without seeing or hearing from him. He sent me a Facebook message wishing me Happy New Year and that he was “itching for [my] juiciness”. Instead of being my usual needy self, I simply wished him a Happy New Year and ignored the innuendo. He was the last man to touch my body but I’m just sick and tired of being his occasional snack. I don’t want a relationship but at least don’t make me feel like you’re using me. (in my Chandler Bing voice) “Could you be any more obvious?”
  3. I went to grad school for the wrong reason. I went to grad school to get quick money to purchase another car. (The previous one was stolen.) A year later, the car needed an engine. Where can I quickly pull $1500+ out my ass? School of course. I’ve looked for employment off and on and the loan money has given me extra income in the meantime. The money ran out last semester and I haven’t paid my credit cards in 3 months. Bummer. In 2015, I have to find gainful employment! These bills are no joke! It would be nice to get money that I don’t have to pay back!
  4. I’m really into healing crystals! When I was a little girl, I was fascinated with these small pebbles my mama used to get in the mail. I would dig in the yard looking for more but I always found marbles. I thought they had magical powers too. Upon learning more, I now know that my mother probably received clear quartz thumb stones. I’ve collected several tumble stones and a jade yoni egg. I want to significantly increase my collection in 2015. I also want to balance my overactive and underactive chakras. Smokey quartz and carnelian are my favorite gemstones!
  5. I’m an empath. I honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. When others tell me their problems, I find myself absorbing their pain instead of offering viable solutions. When I see complete strangers happy, upset, or sad, I soak up their feelings like a sponge. I overindulge in food to combat emotional stress. I could go on and on but I didn’t realize this until I start learning more about healing crystals. Go figure.
  6. It’s ok to say no. I have a hard time saying no but I have seen some minor improvements in 2014. I don’t feel as obligated to answer calls or texts, to be someone’s lackey, or to have sex. I’ve turned down a few romps in the hay with men from my past in 2014. The 2013 me probably would have taken them on the offer. I haven’t shaved my legs, underarms, and yoni in months and it is f*cking liberating!
  7. I need a spiritual outlet. I’m not the biggest fan of religion. Since denouncing religion, I really haven’t taken the time to become spirituality attuned with the universe or even myself. In order to become more spiritually aware, I also need align the mental and physical. That’s gonna take a lotta work. Wish me luck y’all!

What did you learned (or relearned) in 2014?

P.S. January 6th is my birthday. I’ll be 35. Gosh, I’m damn near 40.

Back to Medicationville?

My last official psych appointment was in late 2010—unless one was to count that intervention from my insurance company. My insurance company called and asked about the state of my mental health. They noticed that I haven’t seen a psychiatrist or psychologist in a while and had a few questions for me. A few days later, my primary physician called me in to discuss “blood work” but instead I was questioned about my bipolar disorder and lack of medication.

I told her that I was trying to get pregnant and that I was afraid the medication would deform my baby. That was a lie. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Hell, I wasn’t even in a relationship! I don’t feel like myself on antipsychotics. My bubbly personality and witty nature is nonexistent. I become the color gray—not too light, too dark. I no longer have a color swatch to choose from. Also, there’s the issue with the weight gain—as if I’m not fat enough. Then there’s this notion that taking meds means that I’m bat shit crazy.

She wrote me a prescription for Seroquel. She said that it was safe for women who were pregnant or trying to get pregnant. Damn it! My excuse lost all of its validity! I actually had to take medicine now. I stopped after a week or so. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like one of those zombies from the Thriller music video—minus the kick ass choreography.

That was a year ago and I have been suffering ever since.

I can’t talk to my friends and family about this. They don’t understand. I don’t share the extreme burden that this disease has on me. I don’t want them to become their burden too. When I tell them that I’m depressed, they want to know the reason why. Sometimes I don’t need a specific reason to feel that way. I could wake up over the moon and want to hide under it a few minutes or hours later. I don’t get to pick my moods nor can I switch them on and off like a light switch. I wish I could though.

I’m ready to get back on medication and perhaps therapy. I’ve been avoiding medication like it was the plague. My days are beginning to accumulate more darkness and the reckless things I do (or want to do) while maniac isn’t healthy either. I want to be able to live a normal life and not think that someone may be watching me, following me or breaking in while I’m sleeping. It’s time to take control of my bipolar disorder. My appointment is in 2 weeks and I couldn’t be more excited about it.