Pretty Good-ish Year

I can’t believe 2016 is coming to an end and 2017 is right around the corner. My plans for tonight? I don’t have any as usual. I’m spending another New Year’s Eve all alone and it’s ok. I’ve given up the dream of being kissed at midnight by a tall, dark, and handsome man a long time ago. Ok. Maybe a few moments ago!

This year has been a good-ish year for me. After years of self-doubt, I finally self-published my poetry collection The Chaos of Longing. Several months later it is among the top selling books in the African-American and Love and Erotica Poetry on Amazon. What amazes me the most is how many people reach out to me to tell me how the book has affected them. It makes me feel less alone knowing that there are people who can relate to my experiences. The extra income received through royalties has also given me more financial independence. I ain’t rich though. It’s just easier to pay some bills.

This year I also got a steady job after several years of unemployment and/or working seasonal gigs. It was quite scary but it opened me up more. I also got injured onsite in late August and they were assholes about it. I went to an ortho doctor recently because the pain hasn’t gone away. I was diagnosed with Morton neuroma, a nerve condition affecting the third and fourth toes. I received a steroid shot but I’m still having some issues so I don’t know how much longer I can work such a physically demanding job. On the bright side, I did lose 20+ pounds!

I also delved into online dating again at the urge of my best friend. It was quite overwhelming but I did meet someone on Ok Cupid. We went on a date and it felt nice to be wined and dined. (I’ll save those deets for the next post.)

This year didn’t come without heartache. Soothed left the complex and moved in with his girlfriend. I was depressed for a couple of weeks. I felt so final and so many feelings came rushing in. People leave and I must accept that fact. I must stop trying to hold our nothingness. Him leaving was a healing balm. I needed the wound of us to heal.

What will 2017 bring? I’m very excited to find out! So far I haven’t made any New Year’s resolutions because I tend to break them. I’m going to take more risks and live in the moment. I’m also going to stop recycling dick!

These Damn Fibroids

If you recall about 3 years I went to the gynecologist and found out I had fibroids after a few years of irregular and heavy menstrual cycles.  For the past couple of years my cycle has gotten worse. Although it comes regularly now, it’s much heavier, 7-12 days long, and extremely painful. There are times that I cannot get out of bed. I have to wear two overnight pads and change them every 2-3 hours. I pass blood clots that are the size of plums. I have nagging pelvic pain every single day. My stomach feels full as hell even when I’m hungry as hell. I have back pain. I’m anemic and but still feel weak half the time even though my prescribed dose has been doubled. It’s excruciating y’all.

10hrs

Up to 10 hours? Yeah for normal va jay jays!

So I tried to get another opinion. She prescribed me birth control. At our last appointment in March she basically fat shamed me and said that I if didn’t lose weight I would have to find another provider. So I decided to get a third opinion and leave her because, yeah, she’s a bitch.

Third doctor tried to discourage surgery this past summer. She said that they may come back and that they may need to take out my uterus. So she prescribed birth control for the pain and to lessen the flow. But here’s the thing…I would like to conceive someday. I can’t stay on birth control forever. I also tend to forget to take them sometimes. She also requested a trans-vaginal ultrasound but the hospital didn’t take my damn insurance. Sigh.

I started to feel hopeless but sought out a fourth opinion anyway. This past Monday I went to see someone new about my fibroids. I’ve had enough. I expressed my concerns to the gynecologist and for the first time I felt like someone was listening to me! We discussed options, invasive and non-invasive. He also did blood work to check my blood count. He also examined my uterus. I began to scream out in pain.

“Yeah, you’re going to need surgery. You have a 18 to 20 week uterus,”he said as he felt around.

“Are you serious?????!!!!!”

None of the previous doctors gave me such information. Here’s an illustration I snagged from thebump.com in case you need a visual. I know I did!

uterusweeks

The normal size of a non-pregnant uterus is the size of upside pear or about 7cm. So an 18-20 week pregnancy is close to the belly button and it’s about 18-20 centimeters. So I’m basically about 5 months pregnant with fibroids instead of a baby. After he examined me, I can still feel where he’s been a few days later. I have pain from my belly button down to my pelvis. My shortness of breath has worsen.

I’m having a trans-vaginal ultrasound this Friday. Once he gets back the results, we are going to have a more in-depth discussion about options next week.

Although surgery scares me, I’m just glad that someone finally took my concerns seriously. Took 3 damn years though! I hope I don’t need a hysterectomy.