A few months ago I decided to try online dating due to my best friend’s urging—yet again. I got an influx of messages from pervs who liked big women and dudes who didn’t know basic grammar and mechanics.
There was one guy who stood out though. He was a self-employed real estate broker that recently moved to Houston from the Pacific Northwest. He was 51, handsome, a world traveler, single and had no children. No children? Never been married? Was he a fucking unicorn?
He was respectful, genuine and very easy to talk to. After a few weeks of chatting, we decided to meet in person. I was quite nervous. My last date didn’t go so well. It was quite a disaster and I never wanted to do it ever again.
We decided to meet a casual restaurant near my place. The place was completely deserted and it made me feel at ease because I’m not a fan of big crowds. I barely leave my apartment unless I’m working or running errands. I paced around in the restroom. I fixed my bra, touched up my makeup and readjusted my Spanx. What if I looked better in my pics than in person? What if he looked better in his pics than in person? What if there’s no chemistry? What if it’s awkward? Will we be going Dutch?
He entered the restaurant shortly after I seated myself. We greeted each other with a hug and he said “Wow”. I’m going to assume that the “wow” was in response to my blinding beauty. Yeah. Let’s go with that, shall we?
We have a few glasses of wine and a light meal. We talked and laughed for a couple of hours. It was a good date overall.
It was our only date.
We’ve talked and hung out a lot since then. We decided that we weren’t ready to seriously date anyone. He’s not as financially settled as he would like to be. He is also Airbnb-ing from one place to the next. I’m still on this self-love journey and trying to get my shit together. Even though we agreed on this, I feel like we’re using these obstacles as a crutch.
The last time we were intimate, he told me that he was giving himself 6 months to get himself together and will find someone in his age range. I guess that excludes me. I’m 15 years his junior. A part of me was somewhat disappointed but when has anyone ever chosen me?
I know. I know. My time will come.
I can’t believe 2016 is coming to an end and 2017 is right around the corner. My plans for tonight? I don’t have any as usual. I’m spending another New Year’s Eve all alone and it’s ok. I’ve given up the dream of being kissed at midnight by a tall, dark, and handsome man a long time ago. Ok. Maybe a few moments ago!
This year has been a good-ish year for me. After years of self-doubt, I finally self-published my poetry collection The Chaos of Longing. Several months later it is among the top selling books in the African-American and Love and Erotica Poetry on Amazon. What amazes me the most is how many people reach out to me to tell me how the book has affected them. It makes me feel less alone knowing that there are people who can relate to my experiences. The extra income received through royalties has also given me more financial independence. I ain’t rich though. It’s just easier to pay some bills.
This year I also got a steady job after several years of unemployment and/or working seasonal gigs. It was quite scary but it opened me up more. I also got injured onsite in late August and they were assholes about it. I went to an ortho doctor recently because the pain hasn’t gone away. I was diagnosed with Morton neuroma, a nerve condition affecting the third and fourth toes. I received a steroid shot but I’m still having some issues so I don’t know how much longer I can work such a physically demanding job. On the bright side, I did lose 20+ pounds!
I also delved into online dating again at the urge of my best friend. It was quite overwhelming but I did meet someone on Ok Cupid. We went on a date and it felt nice to be wined and dined. (I’ll save those deets for the next post.)
This year didn’t come without heartache. Soothed left the complex and moved in with his girlfriend. I was depressed for a couple of weeks. I felt so final and so many feelings came rushing in. People leave and I must accept that fact. I must stop trying to hold our nothingness. Him leaving was a healing balm. I needed the wound of us to heal.
What will 2017 bring? I’m very excited to find out! So far I haven’t made any New Year’s resolutions because I tend to break them. I’m going to take more risks and live in the moment. I’m also going to stop recycling dick!