So There’s This Guy…Well…Guys (Part I)

(Please forgive me for taking so long to post an entry. The last thing I wanted was for this blog fall to the wayside. Grad school was stressful and busy. I haven’t attended college since 2008 and I was a deer caught in headlights. So much in academia has changed! I do have good news though. My GPA was a 4.0 this past semester. Yay! Anywho, I have so much to say. I’m several months behind! Yes! Several!)

Late summer, I met this guy. Let’s call him The One Who Sets Me On Fire. I met him in an art gallery and was drawn to him instantly. I initially did not think that I was his type. Within a couple of months, we start spending time together after he admitted his attraction to me. By spending time together I mean having sex. I know. I know. Let the collective eye rolls begin! But honey this man makes my body feel things that it has never felt before. It is damn near tantric y’all. I love his bohemian nature, sense of humor, intelligence and the way that he looks at me. The passion between us is raw, tangible and undeniable. When I stare into his eyes and run my fingers through his hippie hair, everything disappears. We are one. Although these past four months have been intense, I have managed not to fall for him. I know what this is and what it is not. Even though there is a freedom in not expecting anything, I also find it quite detaching. Being discreet is also a b*tch. We have to pretend that we have not seen each other naked if we happen to find ourselves at the same functions.

Let’s call guy #2 The One Who Is Special. We had known each other since high school but through the power of social networking, we grew extremely close. We share common interests and he is very easy to talk to. He is kind, funny, intelligent and understanding. He has bipolar disorder too and he’s extremely ADD but it makes him even more intriguing to me. But there seems to be an issue of some sorts—his ex. Although he said that he is over their 8 year relationship, he brings it up a lot. He said that he is afraid to be in a new relationship because he felt so comfortable with her. He talks about their break up too. He said that a part of him is cold. I understand where he is coming from to a certain extent but it has been 2 years. Two f*cking years!

After we slept together a few months ago, we both decided that we should keep things platonic. He was too much in head during our intimate moment and it was a major turn off for me. He later informed me of his interest in someone else and wanted to see where it would lead. Needless to say, his prospect rejected his advances but by this time, I did not want to be his consolation prize.

Although Special expressed that he would be with me, he goes on a tangent about his last relationship and it’s quite frustrating. Due to this frustration, I decided to keep Fire around. Why not? At least with him there was transparency. With Special, I feel like I’m hanging on a thread as I wait for a sign. I even told him that I loved him once and he freaked out. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I thought it would get the ball rolling. (insert awkward laugh here)

A few weeks ago, Special decided to distance himself from me because of my Facebook post about another man. I won’t lie. Although the post was indeed accurate, a part of me did it to make him jealous. Any type of reaction would be nice from him. He jokingly admitted his jealousy but that was it. Then he disappeared from my life. I did miss him terribly but what was a girl to do? I have feelings for him too but I cannot chase another man. I always end up with egg on my face. I also cannot compete with the ghost of his ex nor convince someone to be with me.

We made up this past weekend. He even told me that our reconciliation made him feel whole again. He said the thought of me being with another man was upsetting because of his feelings for me. When I tried to get him to open up more about said feelings, he shut down.  A part of me wants to hold up a boom box and play a song for him that perfectly describes my feelings for him. Then he’d kiss me and the next scene will fast forward to our wedding. I want to go full on Meredith Grey on him and say, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” I want shake him until he admits something…anything! Why can’t he admit it?

Perhaps I just like the idea of us. Perhaps my love addiction is in overdrive and I’m just grasping at straws. Maybe I’m holding unto nothing as defiantly as I can. I’m very good at that—making something out of nothing.

But alas, I will not get the storybook ending. This is me after all. Just as we began to fall back into a comfortable place, he told me something that could change the dynamics of our relationship forever…


Under His Covers Blues (Part I)

“Why does my body ignore what my mind says?

I try to keep it intact, but I’m here in this bed.”

-Jill Scott

I was doing well at this no sex thing but it was cold and lonely. I missed the contact. I missed being taken to a different place. I missed the heat of it all. It was my ultimate distraction. My ultimate drug.

I avoided men. I rejected men that approached me. Heavens knows I do not make the brightest choices when it comes to men and it felt redundant to introduce new jerks into my life when I could always easily refer back to my spares.

The One Who Soothed Me started to have problems with his girlfriend this past summer. I slightly reveled in the unfortunate news. Horrible…I know. But I felt that this was must needed egg on his face! A part of me resented how he completely tossed me to the side after he found the White woman of his dreams. He even told me that she was The One. Who was I? Sally Fucking Fleming?

We began to talk more and hang out again. Shortly thereafter, she broke up with him. Asides from her fear of commitment (due to some baggage), she also felt that he lacked drive and that he solely depended on their relationship for his happiness.

After the break up, things seemed to pick off right where they left off. We talked every single day and saw each other just as much. It was like old times—cozying up on the couch for hours on end and releasing our inhibitions throughout the night.  It was a great distraction for me—perhaps for the both of us. We seem to thrive in unhappiness and uncertainty. It felt nice to have his undivided attention again.

A part of my attraction to him have a lot to do with our similarities. We are always in a state of constant wander, have the same insecurities and require a series of distractions to cope with our dramas. He admitted that he was getting addicted to me. He was quickly becoming my drug again too. We were getting high in different ways. It was only a matter of time before we both wanted more. He wanted to push my limits sexually. I wanted to push our limits in a romantic different direction…