169 Days

It’s been 169 days since I had sex y’all. 169 damn days! I’ve avoided sex for so long because I wanted more perhaps out of jealousy; I also felt like time was running out for me. I go back and forth between wanting something real and wanting to be a fucktoy. This internal struggle is real!

This lack of sex situation has gotten so bad that I’ve actually cried. I don’t know whether to attribute it to the hypersexuality of bipolar disorder, the neediness of the love addiction, or if a sista is just plain lonely. Perhaps it’s all of the above. The hell if I know!

I need to feel desired if only for that moment. I need to feel someone pressed against me. I want to lose myself inside of someone else. I just need a release that I simply cannot get from self-pleasure or directing this energy elsewhere. I miss the smell, sweat, dirty talk, moans, and the feeling of a stiff one inside of me filling all my voids. I need to feel someone’s mouth and hands all over me. I know I must sound deranged or like an addict right now.

I feel like if I don’t have sex I’m going to die from an unfulfilled vagina. I think about it constantly. I’m having sexy dreams about Silver Fox and others. I’m watching the filthiest of porn. I get sexually excited from reading dirty ads on Craigslist. I listen to ads posted by perverts on telephone personals. It’s gotten bad y’all. I’m surprised that I haven’t stripped butt naked and was like…

takethesecookies

I inboxed Fire on Facebook. I did not hint that I wanted sex but he probably knew I did anyway. I really don’t keep in contact with him. I sent the following thirsty ass messages to him:

CONVO

“Soon” wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Soon could be next week or next month. I haven’t responded yet. I want to have sex but I feel embarrassed about how thirsty I came across. Who sends a crying emoticon because they can’t have sex right then and there? What has become of me?

Don’t answer that question y’all.

Medicationville 2.0

The past few weeks have been rough. The ups and downs were taking a toll on me. I was manic. I was hypersexual and had no one to have sex with!!! I considered seducing Soothed, Lied, Fire, or the Silver Fox but I didn’t y’all. I kept my legs closed this time. Hallelujah!!! I frivolously spent $2,000 which should have gone towards buying a new car. I really needed that car. Sigh. Other times I had crying spells and fantasized about not being among the living. The slightest things began to irritate me. And the feeling of being watched in public and through my air ducts at home became exhausting too.

I decided to get back on medication to manage my bipolar disorder. I was prescribed 50mgs of Zoloft and 40mgs of Latuda. I am noticing that I can go to sleep much easier at night. (It normally takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep.) There is a slight zombie feeling but it’s not overwhelming so far. I am concerned about the weight gain though. I’m already a plus size gal. The last thing I need is to gain even more weight and look like a chocolate dipped Marshmallow Man with giant tits. Sigh.

mashmallow

Maybe medication is necessary right now. Maybe I can start enjoying life again, gain more focus, and minimize these manic and depressive episodes.

Other than that, I don’t have much of an update. Um…I turned 35 a few weeks ago. And speaking of chocolate, I did eat three boxes of Valentine’s Day candy. Don’t judge me. It was awesome!

I also think that my feelings are getting way too strong for my Silver Fox. It’s damn near obsessive. I haven’t seen him in over a week and damn near cried because of it. Perhaps the meds will calm that down a bit. We shall see.

Related Posts—> In The Land of Zombies and Scaredy Cats
                                   Back To Medicationville?