Mediocre Updates & One Big Ass Announcement

I’ve been abandoning this blog lately. I didn’t realize it’s been 4 months!

I have a couple of mediocre updates. I got fired from my job due to missing too many days. Sometimes I get so mentally exhausted that I cannot get out of bed and take my ass to work.

At the urging of my best friend, I’m going to give online dating another chance, again. The other night I saw my vibrator on my nightstand and had an actual conversation with it. I said, “Heyyyyyy boo”. No lie. I actually said that. By the way, the Satisyher Pro 2 is amazing! Nope. No one’s paying me to say that. I got it with my own coins. I even named it.

Anywho!!! Time for the big ass announcement!!!

My self-published poetry collection The Chaos of Longing got picked up by Andrews McMeel Publishing and is being re-released September 26th. They have published books like Rupi Kaur’s New York Times Bestseller Milk and Honey and The Princess Saves Herself in This One by Amanda Lovelace. I mailed them my book proposal in March and was contacted several weeks later. Never in my wildest dreams I thought this little book would take me this far. I never thought I would sell 4 copies let alone over 14,000! Sometimes I wonder if this is really my life. That I somehow found my way. That I turned all of my hurt into art. I’m constantly pinching myself.

 

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photo credit: milqyuartz on tmblr

I cannot say that the journey has been perfect. Being so vulnerable caused a great deal of anxiety for me. I wondered how others would perceive me after reading this book. Was I too open? Too graphic? Too broken?

Reading book reviews also made me anxious. My heart felt like it was beating out my chest whenever I checked reviews online. Whenever I read negative reviews, I took them too personally.  I felt like I wasn’t being what people needed me to be. I’m slowly realizing that I cannot please everyone and that’s ok. My book ain’t for everybody!

This journey has also been amazing. So many women have reached out to me telling me what the book has meant to them. It’s helped them through breakups and divorces. It made them realized they deserve more. That my book encapsulated everything they felt but couldn’t express. Them reaching out to me helped me too. It made me realize that I wasn’t alone.

So go out there and support a sista this coming September 26th. I cannot afford to flop. This revised and expanded edition includes over 50 new pages.  If you would like to grab the self-published edition, you can get it here. But hurry. It’s going out of print soon! Thank you for all of your support!

Update: Surgery, Recovery & More

As some of you may know, I had my myomectomy on Feburary 12th. A new fibroid was discovered and the surgeons were able to remove a 5cm tumor and two more that were half that size. The biggest one (7cm) was left behind. The doctor said that I would have lost my uterus if it was removed. He also said that after I’ve healed completely I need to aggressively have a baby because time is running out. Once I give birth my uterus has to be removed.

I suppose the news isn’t surprising but still saddening nonetheless. Another doctor said that I needed to have a baby due to the severity of my fibroids a few year back. I guess a part of me was waiting on my knight in shining amour to sweep me off my feet and have babies with me but maybe I need to let that dream go. Maybe I just need to go ahead and become another single black mother statistic. Is there a “be my baby daddy” website out there? I honesty don’t know what to do at this point. Maybe I’ll gain more clarity once I’m healed in a couple of months. Pray for me, send some positive vibes, etc.

Recovery was a bit challenging. My mother came every morning for about two weeks but I didn’t have any help in the evening. The painkillers also made me hallucinate like crazy. I don’t know if it is because I’m bipolar or what. It was definitely a scary experience! It’s been about three weeks and there’s some pain but I’m getting better day by day.

In other news…

I’m currently working on a poetry book that I’m self-publishing through createspace. I’ve been writing poetry since a pre-teen and always had a love for poetry. Slyvia Plath, Pablo Neruda, Maya Angelou, Khalil Gibran, and Saul Williams are my top five. With the emergence of poetry from Warsan Shire, Rapi Kaur, Nayyiah Waheed, Yrsa Daley-Ward and others, I finally feel more inspired than ever to publish. I can’t say that I’ll be as eloquent as they are because I can be self-deprecating at times and that’s ok.  We all can’t be the same.

The working title is The Chaos of Longing. It briefly touches on trauma and living with bipolar disorder but the meat of the book is about the chaos of longing for flesh, affection, self-love, and healing. And of course some of men I discuss on the blog will make an appearance. Check out excerpts on kyrobinson.net.