Well, since everyone does not have the luxury of having Iyanla Vanzant to fix their life, I guess I have to do it the old fashion way—on my own. I need to operate on a higher frequency. I operate out of fear, complacency, guilt, regret and every negative emotion that I can wrap my darkness around.
The crying spells are closer together than normal. They are occurring on a weekly basis now. Today was a pretty bad day. It was so bad that I wondered what it would feel like to walk into traffic and get hit by a vehicle as I was walking home during rush hour.
I put on an unbelievable front for my family, friends and the world but I’m not “just depressed”, I’m severely depressed. I’m so unhappy that I feel lacerated. I feel punctured. I want to collapse into dust. I am bleeding on the inside but afraid to cough the blood up because I am afraid of what people may think. I feel so imprisoned by my current stage in life, my bipolar disorder, my financial situation, my weight, my love life—I’m sick of everything. And none of these things and more are not falling into place because I’m not in a happy place.
My passions for blogging, writing and other things have dissipated. I have not posted in either of my blogs for a while. I had to force myself to type up my last blog post. Although I have a few ideas for additional posts, I just cannot bear to type them right now. It no longer brings me joy.
Nothing that I am currently doing is working so I have no other choice but to deviate from my usual. I have to get out of this rut and find the key to happiness. I am cutting ties—some will be temporary, others will be permanent. So I am going on a hiatus from Paramour in Waiting and Utter Nappyness. Perhaps I will pop my head in every once in a while to do an update but I cannot make any promises right now. I want to thank you for all your support and every single word of wisdom and encouragement. Thanks for making me feel less alone.