Side Chick Approved?

Disclaimer: I may sound petty and whiny but it’ my blog. I can be petty and whiny if I want to.

For the past couple of years I have noticed that the men I was involved with sexually or otherwise are now in stable relationships with other women. At first I did not give a damn but lately, it has been doing something to my spirit y’all. The One Who Loves To Text, The One Who Was My Lawyer, The One Who Is Special, and The One Who Was Too Young are now parading their relationships for all of Facebook to see.  I find this peculiar because half of these guys claimed that they didn’t want Facebook in their business when we were involved. Things that make you go hmm.

Anywho…a particular incident had an effect on me and it came from somewhere I least expected. For the past year or so, Young and I have been constant contact. He claimed that he was single and that he wanted me to be his boo. Of course I did not take him too seriously. I won’t fake the funk; a part of me liked the attention. After our horrible sexual encounter, I did not feel the need the have sex with him again. That sure didn’t stop him from trying though! A part of me found his persistence somewhat endearing. It made me feel desired.

To make a long story short, I saw that he recently got engaged to his girlfriend on Facebook. Yep. Girlfriend. It turned out he had one the entire time.  There he was on bended knee proposing to a dainty petite woman as their closest friends look on.  Soon to follow were pics of her showing off her ring which was pretty damn gorgeous by the way.

Jealousy started to set in. Why was she the type of chick that a man wanted to marry? Furthermore, why was I the type of chick that guys wanted to fool around with secretly?  Was I not pretty enough? Was I too fat? Too mousy? Just a wet hole and nothing more? All of these self-defeating thoughts and more swam in my head. Why was this affecting me so much?! I don’t even like this dude romantically. I’m still gaga over The One Who Is a Silver Fox!

A few days later, Young had the nerve to contact me via text message.

 

Young: I want to take you out to breakfast.

Me: I’m pretty sure your fiancée wouldn’t like that. You’ve been acting like you didn’t have someone the whole time.

Young:
sideeye

 

Young: Lol you can be my side boo if you like. I’ll pay you.

Me: I’ll pass. I don’t want to be someone’s dirty little secret. I don’t want to be a side boo, chick, bitch, pussy, etc. Call me silly but I’d like to think that I deserve more than that.

Young: You do tho.

Young: I’ll still buy you breakfast lol.

Me: Thanks but no thanks.

I don’t know why I even replied to his text anyway. Perhaps I was looking for a “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about my fiancee” apology.  I definitely wasn’t looking for a “You can be my side chick and I’ll pay you like a hooker” type of ish.

It is not the fact that he got engaged per se. It’s a combination of things. It seems like dudes are by passing me like I have Ebola when it comes to relationships. I’m 35, childless, and sleep alone every damn night. Am I not a fucking catch? A sista can not live on dick alone.

I’m either faced with unrequited love or attract dudes who want a side chick. Do I have “Side Chick Approved” stamped on my forehead? I can not say that I’m completely faultless though; I let men treat me this way for far too long. Perhaps I didn’t think I was worthy to receive more. Sigh. At this point, I’m just done. So done.

Medicationville 2.0

The past few weeks have been rough. The ups and downs were taking a toll on me. I was manic. I was hypersexual and had no one to have sex with!!! I considered seducing Soothed, Lied, Fire, or the Silver Fox but I didn’t y’all. I kept my legs closed this time. Hallelujah!!! I frivolously spent $2,000 which should have gone towards buying a new car. I really needed that car. Sigh. Other times I had crying spells and fantasized about not being among the living. The slightest things began to irritate me. And the feeling of being watched in public and through my air ducts at home became exhausting too.

I decided to get back on medication to manage my bipolar disorder. I was prescribed 50mgs of Zoloft and 40mgs of Latuda. I am noticing that I can go to sleep much easier at night. (It normally takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep.) There is a slight zombie feeling but it’s not overwhelming so far. I am concerned about the weight gain though. I’m already a plus size gal. The last thing I need is to gain even more weight and look like a chocolate dipped Marshmallow Man with giant tits. Sigh.

mashmallow

Maybe medication is necessary right now. Maybe I can start enjoying life again, gain more focus, and minimize these manic and depressive episodes.

Other than that, I don’t have much of an update. Um…I turned 35 a few weeks ago. And speaking of chocolate, I did eat three boxes of Valentine’s Day candy. Don’t judge me. It was awesome!

I also think that my feelings are getting way too strong for my Silver Fox. It’s damn near obsessive. I haven’t seen him in over a week and damn near cried because of it. Perhaps the meds will calm that down a bit. We shall see.

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                                   Back To Medicationville?