Medicationville 2.0

The past few weeks have been rough. The ups and downs were taking a toll on me. I was manic. I was hypersexual and had no one to have sex with!!! I considered seducing Soothed, Lied, Fire, or the Silver Fox but I didn’t y’all. I kept my legs closed this time. Hallelujah!!! I frivolously spent $2,000 which should have gone towards buying a new car. I really needed that car. Sigh. Other times I had crying spells and fantasized about not being among the living. The slightest things began to irritate me. And the feeling of being watched in public and through my air ducts at home became exhausting too.

I decided to get back on medication to manage my bipolar disorder. I was prescribed 50mgs of Zoloft and 40mgs of Latuda. I am noticing that I can go to sleep much easier at night. (It normally takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep.) There is a slight zombie feeling but it’s not overwhelming so far. I am concerned about the weight gain though. I’m already a plus size gal. The last thing I need is to gain even more weight and look like a chocolate dipped Marshmallow Man with giant tits. Sigh.

mashmallow

Maybe medication is necessary right now. Maybe I can start enjoying life again, gain more focus, and minimize these manic and depressive episodes.

Other than that, I don’t have much of an update. Um…I turned 35 a few weeks ago. And speaking of chocolate, I did eat three boxes of Valentine’s Day candy. Don’t judge me. It was awesome!

I also think that my feelings are getting way too strong for my Silver Fox. It’s damn near obsessive. I haven’t seen him in over a week and damn near cried because of it. Perhaps the meds will calm that down a bit. We shall see.

Related Posts—> In The Land of Zombies and Scaredy Cats
                                   Back To Medicationville?
 

 

Should I Settle Too?

All this time I have been waiting for Prince Charming. In the meantime, I have been entertaining and dodging frogs as a temporary distraction. I know what to expect from frogs. I expect for them to be slimy and to leap in and out my vagina, mouth, and/or anus life. I’m not saying that I’ve been holding out for an Idris Elba or Channing Tatum but I’m sure as hell don’t want a Ray-Ray. A Ray-Ray is unemployed, misogynistic, and has several baby mamas and felonies. No sir or ma’am! I don’t care how big his dick may be. Wait…hold up. How big is it again???

What if the perfect man doesn’t exist? I’m sure as hell not the perfect woman. I’m bipolar, overweight, and financially unstable. Sure I have positive attributes but who gives a rat’s ass if you’re not a video vixen or a Victoria Secrets model.

Should I just settle for a Ray-Ray? Maybe Ray-Ray is a really nice guy but just a product of his environment. Besides, it seems like most of the women I know are settling anyway. Should I just say “fuck it” and join the crowd? It’s not like I’m not used to dealing with bs anyway. At least I won’t go to the movies alone anymore and the other side of the bed will be occupied at night.

I have a friend who is shacking up with an unemployed drug addict who doubles as her man bitch. Of course he disappears on binges from time to time but at least he cooks, shaves her va jay jay, gives her pedicures, and babysits the kids. I have a relative that is involved with a verbally abusive man who is also on the down low. Of course he may be sending out sexually suggestive messages to other men and claims he’s not gay or bi but at least he lets her sleep on his sister’s floor (after he destroyed her furniture and got her evicted). I know a wife who is verbally abused by her husband on a regularly. Of course he’s a big ole meanie who is suspected of cheating but he appears to be good father and provider. I know another wife who got married for financial security. Of course she may not be in love with her husband but at least she got a boob job and is always going on cruises and vacations. Actually, her situation doesn’t sound too bad after all. Sign me up for that…minus the boob job. I have enough to feed an entire village!

Is this what relationships have become? Does true love even exist anymore? Are people settling for less because they don’t want to be alone or broke? I’m not scared of lonely like Beyoncé but I’m sure quite sick of it.

Well, since you asked Mr. Wonka...

Don’t mind if I do Mr. Wonka. What an awesome suggestion!

Honestly, I thought my chances would improve if I dated outside my race. Wrong! Soothed fetishized me and used me as his kinky sex guinea pig. Although our BDSM experiences were quite illuminating, liberating, and hot, I was never a romantic option for him. He told me in so many words that a Black woman wasn’t who he envisioned as a potential mate. Although Intrigue didn’t fetishized me, he didn’t come around often and demanded discretion. Silver Fox is different but I don’t know if he’ll ever pick up what I’m dropping. 

The lack of a mate is troublesome to my mother. She won’t stop hinting about my age and my need to get pregnant. She is always recommending some “get your body ready for a baby” supplements that she’s seen in the newspaper or television. She has even attempted to hook me up with a guy I dated as a teen. The One Who Was Troubled introduced me to cunnilingus and orgasms in the spring of ‘94. Perhaps a 14 year old should have been hanging out at the mall instead of having orgasms but it is what it is. Although he was a sweet person, he suffered from a mental illness and was intellectually impaired. I visited him in psych facility after a failed suicide attempt. We drifted apart eventually. As a 14 year old, I wasn’t equipped to deal with his issues. I’ve always known that he carried a torch for me. Throughout the years I’ve managed to let him down gently. His wife passed away in recent years and he has two little girls. He gave my sister his phone number and wants me to call.

Should I call?

Should I settle?