You Just Miss My P*ssy!

I miss you girl. I swear!

A couple of weeks ago, I was celebrating my best friend’s birthday and saw a missed call on my phone. It was from Lawyer. If you recall, Lawyer and I parted ways a couple of months because he told me that he would never date a Black woman and that they were only good for sex.  That situation really hurt me because I thought I knew him and I wouldn’t have been intimate with a man who felt such a way. He sent a text asking for a call back. Maybe I should have ignored it but nonetheless, I was curious about what he had to say.

As soon as he picked up the phone, there was no greeting. He hurriedly said that he missed me as if he had been dying to say it. I was silent. I did not know how to respond. Instead, I changed the subject and asked about everything under the sun. I asked about the Bar Exam, job search, his mother—anything that I could think of that couldn’t invoke emotions on my part .

He then asked if he could see me later that night. Again, there was silence on my behalf. He took note of my lackluster responses and said that I didn’t seem too interested in seeing him. In classic Nisha fashion, I did not want to hurt his feelings and told him that I would see him after the festivities. It was a lie. I wasn’t planning on seeing him. It was after 11pm. I was surrounded by people and couldn’t say how I truly felt. But I also didn’t want to pull a Mimi from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta and say, “You hurt me to my core.” I was cold throughout the phone call.

After I ended the phone call, he immediately texted, “I really do miss you and I’m sorry (that) I messed things up.” I told him that I couldn’t see him and that what we went through really hurt me. He said that he wanted to kiss me. That’s when I knew something was up. This man never kissed me unless I initiated it. I eventually gave up kissing him all together!

I think he said those things to butter me up for a booty call. After that, I didn’t respond. He texted me again around 3am and the next afternoon. He wanted to know why I was acting mean. I told him that I wasn’t trying to be mean but I couldn’t let him get close enough to hurt me ever again. He replied with “wow” and I haven’t heard from him since.

This realization stung a bit because it reminded me of a previous experience. I didn’t share this on the blog but shortly after I began seeing Lawyer, Text contacted me. He wanted to see me. When I asked him upfront if he just wanted sex, he said something to the effect of, “Did I say that I wanted anything else from you?” After that asshole of a response, I picked my face off the floor and bid him farewell for good!

Let keep it real. Lawyer didn’t miss me. I know what he missed! He missed my mouth, pussy and the occasional anus. How can I be mad at him though? From the beginning, I allowed this happened. He saw me as a piece of ass because I put myself out there as a piece of ass. I didn’t set forth any expectations. I didn’t require anything more than an orgasm. This is why self-love is so important. I have been in many casual relationships looking for love outside of myself when I should have been looking inside all along. That saying is true, “If don’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?”

P.S. I haven’t had sex since June 26th. It’s been hard not giving the boys milkstaches from my milkshake but I’m trying my damndest!

Update: I just found out that he recently took a job in another city. So perhaps he wanted to have one last screw and totally disappear on me. Wow. I am literally speechless right now. I’m glad that I didn’t see him!

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Cup of Self-Love #1

I have this strange habit of always pointing out the negatives in myself. I was having one of those days—the type of day where a dark cloud followed my every step. By self-destructive thought #3, I gave myself a proverbial kick in the ass. What was I doing? Can I for once point out the positives? What’s the purpose of a self-love journey if it reeks of self-hate? So, I came up with the top 5 things that I love about myself in order to steer myself in the right direction.

Hmm. Tastes delicious. Can I get a refill?

I am open-minded.    

I am very receptive to different opinions and ideas. People tend to tell me things that they’re not comfortable telling others. They say it is because there is no pretense with me and that I am non-judgmental. I also do not judge others because I am nowhere near perfect.

I am a sweet person.

This is the one thing that people compliment me on the most and I have to concur. I like to treat others the way I would like to be treated—even if it pains me. Of course there are times when I am not so sweet but that is usually to myself and that is something that I definitely need to work on.

I have a great sense of humor.

I am quite a witty chica. I like to laugh and I like to make other people laugh even more. Whoever said that laughter was the best medicine was correct.

I am a good writer.

I am not trying to toot my horn but “toot, toot”. I have been writing since a pre-teen. I always found comfort in reading, writing and experiencing words. It is honestly the only thing that I think I feel that I am good at doing. I know that sounds a little dismal (not all of us can be the jack of all trades) but hey, it is what it is.

I have a big heart.

Even after being hurt time and time again, my heart—although bruised—finds the strength to love and forgive. I am a big ole softy on the inside. I bet if you cut me open, warm goo, glitter and teddy bears will come rushing out.

So there you have it. These are the top 5 things that I love about myself. I wanted to go beyond the physical and tap inside of myself and dig deeper. In time, this list will grow.

What are some things that you love about yourself?