These past several days have been surprising, insightful and heartbreaking. Some of this is quite painful to blog about because it made me face ugly parts of myself and other people. A few things happened in the past several days that I never thought would occur. These things really helped me realize that perhaps I have been focusing on the wrong things—men and my ever so ticking biological clock. And what’s even stranger is that one of my readers sent me a heartfelt email about this very fact and it hasn’t left my mind ever since. I was comfortable with the familiar and did not have enough guts to change it. The universe had to step in and smack me up side my head.
After the conversation with Intrigue about dating each other and seeing where it goes, nothing really changed between us. I tried to become more present and communicative with him. He began to do the opposite and after he returned one of my phone calls 4 days later, I was at my wits end. I finally had to let him go after I saw on his Facebook timeline that he had a consort. I did not know what the definition meant but good ole Merriam-Webster dictionary helped a sista out. Consort means spouse or companion!
It was obvious that something was going on. I did not see or hear from him often. Some of our dates were cancelled at the last minute. I mailed back a book that he lend me and enclosed a farewell letter wishing him and his consort well. I don’t whether she is his legal or spiritual wife but nonetheless, he still considers her his wife. I am glad that I did not have sex with him. I have not heard from him since.
Over the weekend, Lawyer and I had a minor disagreement that turned catastrophic. In a series of events (bad timing, poor cell phone reception, The Universe, etc) I missed about 3 calls from him. He accused me of ignoring him. I took offense to that statement because I felt that we were always in constant communication. These were just some strange coincidences. I unreasonably snapped back at him. I told him that I wasn’t brushing him off and that he must had me confused with the women who didn’t give him the time of day.
He grew angry. He also wanted to know why I did not tell him that I was dating someone else. (He saw an old Facebook status update.) At this point, I have already moved on from Intrigue and did not see what the big deal was about. I also didn’t tell him because I barely saw Intrigue and felt that we weren’t going anywhere anyway. Besides, Lawyer and I never discussed exclusivity. Where was this suddenly coming from?
He accused me of sleeping with Intrigue, being full of it and compared me to the women he has dated since moving to Houston. His tone was very condescending and disrespectful. I decided to end the conversation abruptly. I was crying uncontrollably and couldn’t handle the wrath of his words anymore. This was a side of him that I have never seen. It scared me.
In retaliation for cutting our dialogue short, he slept with another woman and felt the need to tell me. Sleeping with another woman wasn’t my business and I knew he told me out of pure calculation. The way he presented it to me was very spiteful. He said that since I did not want to talk, he found someone to put out for him. I felt as though he reduced me to a warm hole—as if I was expendable. Hearing such harsh words made me gasp for air. It was like he was trying to justify his deed and hurt me all at the same time. Was this even necessary?
I later apologize for snapping at him but it was definitely time to let him go. He managed to accuse me, disrespect me and break my heart. It broke my heart how I looked through his lens. It has been a picture that I have developed often. I have never been so disgusted with someone and with myself. I have placed myself in these situations and somehow get butt hurt when things don’t turn out in my favor. I have sunken so low in this love addiction that I am now starting to hate who I have become. I have settled. I have held unto nothing as fiercely as I could and hoped it would morph into something. I have tried to turn apples into oranges. I have become a mess.
It is time for a serious reevaluation. I have been bullshitting myself all these months with my self-love journey. Sure did sound good when I jotted it down but I’ve truly never enacted anything. It is time to end this cycle. I am truly at my breaking point. For now on, it is all about me. It is time that I start to focus within. I need to emit my energy instead of absorbing the energies of others. I need to see who I really am, not what I’ve sadly become. This is my promise to myself. Please pray for me, send positive vibes, etc. I need all the help that I can get. It is time for me to put on my big girl panties.
I really need to take a journey back in blogosphere time and reread my old blog posts about evolving and self-love. This should keep me busy.