Just Another Folder (Part II of II)

I could not stomach being in his presence any longer and left a few moments later. He texted me several minutes later and asked if I was upset and apologized. His apology didn’t matter to me at this point. He even had the audacity to hint around that he wanted to fool around. I was offended and I told him that it was best that we never saw each other again. I cried. I cried for being so stupid. I cried for letting him disrespect all this time. I cried because I diminished my self-worth every time I was involved with him.

All these thoughts ran through my mind. What if he actually slept with that crossdresser? Did they had unprotected sex?  Were there more? Also, how many women did he have unprotected with? What if he infected me with HIV? My last HIV test was January 2012. Why did I wait so long to get retested? He wasn’t the only person I was sexually involved with either. What was I thinking? I needed to get tested ASAP!

I’m not saying that he’s prone to HIV because of the crossdresser. Seeing all these pics made me realize that he was most likely engaging in reckless behavior.

The next morning, I purchased OraQuick In-Home HIV Test at the pharmacy for about $40. My heart raced on the walk home. I could barely breathe. I read the instructions over and over again. After several minutes of calming myself down, I finally took the test. I swabbed my lower and upper gums and placed the test stick inside the test tube.

After 20 excruciating minutes, I pulled off the cover to reveal the results. There was one line by “C” and there wasn’t a line next to “T”. It meant that I tested negative for HIV. Even though I was relieved, it still did not give me peace of mind. I had to retest in a clinical setting. I had to be sure.

A couple of weeks later, I went to the clinic and took a STD and HIV screening. The HIV results came in 45 minutes and were negative. I felt so at ease and it taught me a good lesson. It taught me that I cannot trust anyone with my body. It is my responsibility. I also need to get tested regularly especially if I’m sexually active. I also should have protected sex 100% of the time. It also taught me that you never know what someone is hiding from you. I would have never dreamt that he had an affinity for crossdressers.

We have not communicated since that night.  We cross paths on occasions and pretend that we don’t see each other.

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4 thoughts on “Just Another Folder (Part II of II)

  1. I am curious.. If you didn’t see the picture of the cross-desser, would you have felt so strongly about getting tested? If it was just the folder of 60 some-odd women, would you have felt more at ease? Does the fact that he might have been with a man make him a more sexually dangerous partner in your eyes?

    Part 3 soon!

  2. I think it made me get tested faster. Yes. I guess I felt that way because in the Black community we hear a lot about down low brothers and how they’re spreading diseases to their female partners. Although he is not Black, I just felt like I need to do so for my own peace of mind. But either way, I should have been as equally uneasy with the photos of women. I guess it just posed a new dynamic for me. It was a dynamic that I am not accustomed to.

  3. Hello, lady. I hope that you are doing well. Like me, I see that you have not been blogging for a while. That’s a shame because I really enjoy your writing. I hope you come back soon. By the way, have you heard of Charlotte Kasl? She has written some amazing books about addiction, written from a feminist perspective. I think you might like “Women, Sex and Addiction – A Search for Love and Power”. “http://www.amazon.com/Women-Sex-Addiction-Search-Power/dp/0060973218

  4. You know what? I was just sitting here thinking that’s it been a while since I blogged. I’m going to post something today so be on the lookout. I will definitely check out this book. Thanks for the book recommendation.

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