I’ve Come to a Decision!

After all these year riddled with indecision and depression, I have decided to get off my ass and obtain my Masters degree! I have been sitting around looking at these four walls and feeling sorry for myself for too long. I feel it is time to finally do something productive with my life. I need something to look forward to. Watching television, surfing the net and compulsive eating does not seem to do the trick anymore. My brain cells and waist line hates me so much right now. Anywho…

When I received my BA in journalism in 2008, my future felt bright. “This was it,” I thought to myself. “The world is at my feet!” I thought that I would become financially stable and happy with my life for once. I imagined myself with a nice house, luxury car and going on vacations. Well, it did not quite work out that way. What happened? Life.  The severity of my bipolar disorder also occurred.

A few months before graduation, The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same terminated our casual relationship after 3 years. He told me that I was dead to him. I was devastated for months. I grew more depressed when he informed me several months later that was he leaving town. In between that time, I stopped taking my medication. I  grew tired of the side effects. I grew tired of everything. I was let go by my doctor for missing too many appointments. Although it was just my psychiatrist, I felt rejected by yet another person.

In February 2009, I was laid off my job after 5 years. There were talks about me being placed in a management position. I held on to that hope instead of looking for a career in my respective field. Complacency and fear of change made me stay. When I decided to pursue a job in the journalism field, I did not have any relevant experience. It seemed like rejection stood on every corner I turned.

I grew even more depressed.

Around this time, the economy was in a terrible state and many were without work. There did not seem to be any jobs in sight! I drained all of my unemployment benefits for nearly 2 years. I turned in my letter of resignation at life. I shut myself off from the rest of the world and camouflaged my inner turmoil. People suggested that I go back to college during this downtime but I was not listening. I felt like I did not have a place in this world anymore. Why even try?

Last year, I obtained employment but was terminated due to a consumer report. So here I am—6 months later in the same position in which I am unhappily accustomed. Zero progression and I have no one to blame but myself. Lately I have been trying harder than ever to change that. I have applied for work left and right. Although I have received several “We went with a candidate with more experience” emails, I am going to keep searching.

Even though this intense job search has been frustrating and depressing, I cannot let it beat me down to a pulp. I have bled on the ground for far too long. It is time for me to get up even if I may stumble at first. I do not want to enter another year stagnant and in a deep depression. I want to be able to say that I did something productive in 2013. Going back to college will give me a glimmer of hope.

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4 thoughts on “I’ve Come to a Decision!

  1. I felt the effects of a The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same, casual relationship, three years, end.
    Ended some time ago but still recovering from the aftermath of unrequited, yet attained at one point, love?
    Love, Maybe. Honestly, No.

    Nice blog, I feel it. Been through similar struggles and successes too.

  2. I never really talked about this, but I’m still trying to recover from him. We’re still friends and talk from time to time but a part of me always wonder why he couldn’t love me the way I love (and still love) him. I’m so glad that someone can relate to me and this blog. It means a lot.

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