“Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I’m here in this bed.”
I was doing well at this no sex thing but it was cold and lonely. I missed the contact. I missed being taken to a different place. I missed the heat of it all. It was my ultimate distraction. My ultimate drug.
I avoided men. I rejected men that approached me. Heavens knows I do not make the brightest choices when it comes to men and it felt redundant to introduce new jerks into my life when I could always easily refer back to my spares.
The One Who Soothed Me started to have problems with his girlfriend this past summer. I slightly reveled in the
unfortunate news. Horrible…I know. But I felt that this was must needed egg on his face! A part of me resented how he completely tossed me to the side after he found the White woman of his dreams. He even told me that she was The One. Who was I? Sally Fucking Fleming?
We began to talk more and hang out again. Shortly thereafter, she broke up with him. Asides from her fear of commitment (due to some baggage), she also felt that he lacked drive and that he solely depended on their relationship for his happiness.
After the break up, things seemed to pick off right where they left off. We talked every single day and saw each other just as much. It was like old times—cozying up on the couch for hours on end and releasing our inhibitions throughout the night. It was a great distraction for me—perhaps for the both of us. We seem to thrive in unhappiness and uncertainty. It felt nice to have his undivided attention again.
A part of my attraction to him have a lot to do with our similarities. We are always in a state of constant wander, have the same insecurities and require a series of distractions to cope with our dramas. He admitted that he was getting addicted to me. He was quickly becoming my drug again too. We were getting high in different ways. It was only a matter of time before we both wanted more. He wanted to push my limits sexually. I wanted to push our limits in a
romantic different direction…