Slumbers & Struggles

It seems like forever since I have blogged. I had plenty to say but just didn’t know how to say it. Foolishly, I kept in contact with Lawyer but didn’t see him in person. The last straw (and I really mean it this time) came nearly 2 weeks ago when he told me that Black women were only good for sex and that he would never consider dating them. A Black man had a nerve to tell me this. This hurts in a way that you could never imagine—especially when it came from someone of my own race. I would have rather been called the n-word and dangled from the highest tree by a non-Black person.

Shortly after my last post, things were ok—not perfect, but ok. I purchased a couple of self-help books on personal growth. I made a decision to go on a fast from men. I began to exercise a little more. Everything was under control. The past week or so didn’t go as planned. My mood was going up and down and I became entrapped with the hypersexuality associated with bipolar disorder. There was no way I could ever let Lawyer touch me again so I slept with Soothed and Lied instead. After the high wore off from these liaisons, I felt awful but I felt like I could not control myself. These incidences made me realize that it was time to reach out to psychiatrist and set up an appointment. I have not taken any medication since February and it was starting to show. Even my mother noticed how withdrawn, irritated and/or depressed I would be at times.

As I slowly came out of this bipolar induced slumber, I learned the power of saying no. Intrigue contacted me yesterday and told me that he wanted to start dating me again. It did not work out with the other chick or so he said. I told him that his proposal made me feel like a rebound chick. After not hearing from him for nearly a month, I’m suddenly on his radar? Please! He expressed that wasn’t the case and that maybe this was our way of rediscovering one another. After thinking about it, I felt it was not a good idea. I told him that I was not interested in dating anyone at the moment. Saying no felt like a victory to me. For once, I did not feel the need to be a people pleaser or feel bad about my decision.

Things are slowly looking up and I have to keep pressing on.

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11 thoughts on “Slumbers & Struggles

  1. “…he told me that Black women were only good for sex and that he would never consider dating them. A Black man had a nerve to tell me this.” This just pissed me off. Woooosahhhhh I gotta remember to love everyone unconditional and wish them the best even when they say dumb shit like that. Boy, this love without conditions is mighty hard. How does God do it? lol

  2. Ooh wee! You tell me! It’s horrible, HORRIBLE hearing that from someone of your same race. You think you know someone. This proves that I really didn’t. People can really fool you. I’ve been concerned about outside enemies and one was in my own backyard! Woooosahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Self-hate is sad. That’s all I have to add. That’s probably the nicest way of putting my feelings. lol

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