Am I Good Enough For Him?

Dating the OkCupid guy aka The One Who Intrigues Me has been quite difficult since the loss of my car. We’ve made plans to see each other twice since but something always came up on his end or vice versa. He works and goes to college so his time is quite limited. We talk a few times a week and the more I talk to him, the more he intrigues me. He’s like a book that I don’t want to put down. He’s like a gift that I could unwrap forever. He intrigues me so much that it scares me. I really like him. I really do. But I have to wonder—am I good enough for him?

Why do I ask such a ridiculous question? He seems so different. He’s intelligent, assertive, confident, attractive, and most of all, he oozes with substance. He told me that he requires more than just physical attraction. He is a challenge and I’m just not used to that. Most of my relationships lacked substance and were mainly physical. All I had to do was either open my mouth, open my legs and boom goes the dynamite! I am ashamed to admit this but it’s all that I know. How do I embrace this new element into my psyche?

I am no dummy by any means (despite the foolery you may have read) and would like to think that I have some substance (despite the foolery you may have read) but a sista is rolling in the deep with the negatives—I’m passive, insecure, and most of all, I hail from bipolar land. Does that even remotely sound like the perfect catch to you? I don’t want to put him though my dramas. I have too much respect for him. I am nowhere I need to be in life or in my self-love journey. But I knew all this when I posted my damn profile. Honestly, I didn’t think I would meet anyone online. I did it on a whim. Maybe flirt a little and get an ego boost. I am thankful that I met him but I am also terrified. 

I already know how this story will begin and end. I can see it now. Somebody should turn this sh*t into a movie. I will fall helplessly in love with him. I would expect him to complete my incompleteness. He will catch wind of my antics and will either take advantage of the situation or become severely turned off. I will resent him for not being what I thought he could be. He will bear witness to all my crazy and I will end up heartbroken yet again.

He seems like the type of man who wants a woman that’s on her A game and I’m sitting quite unsteady on my C-. I’m doing just enough to skate through. This may sound silly but he has a light about him and I’m full of dark fragments. I fear I’ll always try to hide certain parts of myself from him. I’m afraid that if he sees my ugly insides, he’s going to make a run for it and I really couldn’t blame him. Maybe I should run first. But I don’t want to run. A part of me wants to run into his arms, exhale and maybe fart a little. Ok, maybe not fart but you get the picture. 

I was ready to weasel my way out to spare him until he asked me an interesting question. He asked me what would make me go from dating different people at a time to choosing one to become exclusive with. The question took me off guard. I’ve never been asked such a question aside from the usual (i.e. “What is your favorite position?”) I wish I could have answered the question in such detail that he would magically appear at my doorstep, tell me that I’m the one, kiss me passionately and carry my chubby ass to my bedroom. I told him in so many words that chemistry and the potential of the relationship played a vital role in helping me to become exclusive with someone. A part of me wondered if it was some kind of hint but I know better than to assume. You know what happens when you assume…

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