You May Be Obsessed With Someone If…

updated 2:25pm 3/19/12

Have you ever wondered if you were obsessed with someone or not? Being obsessed with someone can drive you bat sh*t crazy. Sure, it’s glitter and unicorns in the beginning until you’re balled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth and crying because he or she doesn’t love you as much as you love them.

Read this list of cray-cray to see if your actions fall into the category. If you do not fall into this category I am happy for you. I want to be stable as you when I grow up. If you can relate to this, you are not alone. Maybe we should seek help. I think it’s time. People are starting to stare.

"You don't love me so everybody and their mama and their damn dog have to die!!!!!!!"


You spend an excessive amount of time thinking and/or yearning for the object of desire to the point that you lose control of your emotions, habits or even your personality.

Are you missing out on dating, hanging out with friends, washing your ass, etc. because you think about this person relentlessly? Do you only make yourself solely available to tend to their every need or to feed your obsession? Have you altered parts of yourself (mentally, physically, or spiritually) to mirror their personality? Have you altered yourself to become more of the type that they would normally date?

You memorize the object of your desire’s schedule and you’re “conveniently” around when he/she appears.

Are you in a designated area like clockwork because you know they will be passing by soon? Do you spend extra time looking for the perfect outfit just for these few seconds of bliss? Do you get angry, curious or “casually” look around for this person if they deviate from “the plan”?

You know every detail(s) of their life without them ever informing you.

Have you turned Google into your b*tch to find out every detail about this person? Have you tracked down their social media page, telephone number, home address or any other personal information? Do you know things about them that would make them feel uncomfortable (not pleasantly surprised like you’ve always envisioned )?

You text, call, and/or email the object of your desire constantly and get emotional when they don’t reply.

Have you been trying to contact this person to no avail? Did your messages gradually become crazier? Did your messages start with a standard hello and spiraled into an insecure and profane dialogue? Did your object of desire tell you any variation of the following: “Leave me alone”, “You’re creeping me out,” or “I’m going to call the police.” Do you really want to be Bubba’s or Big Boned Brenda’s b*tch in the slammer? Think about it.

"Call 'em! Call 'em! I ain't afraid of no po-pos!!!!"

You hack (or try to hack) into the object of your desire’s voicemail, social network page, email, etc.

You have some nerve don’t you? You act as if you can crawl into their mind and figure their password? Wait…you did? Question. Have you ever worked for News of the World? If you know their password and check their account(s) regularly, you may be obsessed!

You find out the object of your desire’s location and you show up or pass by in hopes of catching a glimpse of him/her.

Your “boo” just tweeted that they’re at Wal-Mart. Do you check every store within a 10 mile radius of their home? Do you follow them down every aisle or do the “I didn’t know you shopped at this Wal-Mart” bit? People like you are the reason why celebrities post their check-ins after long after they have left the building.

You check your object of desire’s social network page like it’s going out of style.

No more hiding in the bushes. You can now sit on your ass and stalk mindlessly away. Are you checking their profile morning, noon and night? Are you constantly refreshing their page for new updates and comments? Do you download their pics too? If you’re not their friend or blocked (hmm, I wonder why), do you check their page through someone else’s login info? Have you resorted to creating a fake profile in hopes of being added?

You have a shrine devoted to the object of your desire.

I see why MJ wanted to Scream.

You have a very special and very creepy place to admire him/her. You have pictures of them, maybe a lock of hair, chewed gum, etc in your possession. You call it paying homage. Others call it plain ole disturbing. Perhaps you stare lovingly into these pics.  Maybe you two have a conversation. Maybe you pleasure yourself.

You have this delusion that the object of your desire does (or will) belong to you.

You invented this fantasy of you two being together forever simply because he/she: complimented you, gave you a stick of gum, made you aware of the booger in your nose, had sex with you, etc. The reason could be anything and your entire bottle of crazy just spills out. Now all you can do is imagine the 2.5 kids (who are truly adorable by the way), a dog and the white picket fence. Do you also have the “if I can’t have you, no one can” mindset at the thought of losing or never being with this person? Well, I have some news for you. You are officially obsessed!

Have you ever been obsessed?

Have someone ever been obsessed with you?


17 thoughts on “You May Be Obsessed With Someone If…

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