Ditching Habit #4: Complacency
I have been utterly complacent. Shiftless. I’ve been feigning happiness in the unhappiest of situations. Somewhere along the way I thought it was ok not able to afford the simplest of things. I thought it was ok to seek help from local charities to pay my disconnect notices from time to time. I thought it was ok to search couch cushions, my car, and old purses for spare change for a candy bar or soda. I thought it was ok to abandon my job search because other employers were rejecting me. I have taken menial jobs while knowing I was worthy of more pay. I thought it was ok to quit these menial jobs without another one lined up. This is not ok. I have grown complacent with this aimless existence. I live severely living below my potential.
Am I saying that I should be rich? No, of course not. I am just saying that my complacency has led me to live under my means. And there are additional reasons why I can’t obtained gainful employment but I am working on getting that aspect of my life cleared up in the next coming months. After that, there shouldn’t be any more excuses for my underemployment or lack of employment.
Take care of some legal stuff. Find gainful employment. Find something that fulfills me and gives my life meaning. Help my mother out financially as I promised my father on his deathbed.
Ditching Habit #5: Not Speaking Up
I don’t speak up. The only time I am completely honest is on this blog. Honesty tends to pour out of me when I write. I tend not to state my true feelings in order not to hurt anyone else’s feelings. I think that if I don’t agree, the person may view me differently. When someone really hurts me, I stuff those feelings inside of me until I burst. I collect grudges. I don’t take up for myself. I rather take the negative feelings out on myself in destructive ways.
Speak my mind! Stop placing other people’s feelings above my own. My feelings matter! If that dress is ugly, say it’s ugly. If someone disrespect me, let him or her know that I won’t tolerate it. Maybe work on some clever comebacks instead of passively aggressively say them in my head. Let go of grudges. Forgive others and myself.
Ditching Habit #6: Not Seeking Help
It’s no surprise that I need help. Although life is complicated, therapy was a source of calm for me when I was going to my sessions a few years ago. I eventually abandoned therapy due to my foolish pride. I also need to be more honest with my friends and family. I pretend that I’m ok when I’m really not at times. I also struggle with a connection to a high power because I felt so powerless. Although I am not a fan of religion, I do believe that my spirituality needs a reawakening. There was even a time when I equated sex to my spirituality. Although sex is a necessity for the spirit, it’s not meant to consume the spirit.
Get back on my bipolar meds and therapy. Recognize that my friends and family are there to lend their ears or shoulders to cry on. Open myself up a higher power—whether inside or outside of myself. Find inner peace and balance.
Let the journey begin!