If you read the previous post, you would know that I am on a journey to ditch bad habits in order to obtain passion for life and myself. These are some of the following habits that I plan to ditch, no matter how long it takes. I know it won’t be easy but living like this hasn’t been easy either. I will implement possible solutions and if you have any further suggestions, they are welcomed. I need all the help that I can get!
Ditching Bad Habit #1: Meaningless Sexual Relationships
This is definitely a hard habit to break. I have been sexually active since the age of 13. I used sex for love, self-esteem, power, and for a remedy. I have abused the essence of sex. It’s a habit that I’ve been trying to break for years. I was once heading in the right direction. I abstained from sex for nearly 2 years.
I think I’m heading to great start now. I ended my sexual relationship with Text the other day. He thought it was somehow his fault but I told him that I had to do this for me. He tried to convince me that our arrangement wasn’t meaningless but I already knew differently and better. I know how empty this is because I’m always in this situation but with different people. Same shit, different toilet. I initially abstained from sex in 2009 because I was angry at Lied for stringing me along when he was currently married and had a family. I did it out of anger and bitterness. Now, it isn’t about being scorned, it about being reborn in a sense. I think I can finally do this with a clear head. I also know that the hypersexuality aspect of my bipolar disorder plays major part in this. I must get back on my medication.
Stop medicating myself with sex. Know that I am worthy and don’t have to settle for unavailable men—emotionally or romantically. Keep my legs, mouth, and anus (yes, I said anus) closed until I meet someone who wants to get to know me and not just my lady parts.
Ditching Bad Habit #2: Overeating
I have been stuffing my feelings with food for long as I can remember. My mother always scolded me for always having something in my mouth. Food always seemed to soothe me. It didn’t reject me and was always there when I needed it. Since graduating high school in 1998, I have gained 90 pounds. I went from svelte size 12 to a discomforting 18/20.
I gained majority of the weight in my relationship with Lied from 1999-2002. I ballooned to a size 16 and maintained it for several years. I gained additional weight when Same exiled me from his life and I went into a deep depression. By mid 2008, I was a whopping 265 pounds. The stresses of everyday life also kept that weight on and I never fully committed to losing weight. I began to eat several times a day, even when I wasn’t hungry.
I am down 25 pounds now but it’s nowhere I need and would like to be. I feel unhealthy, uncomfortable, and unattractive. I don’t dress as feminine as I used to do. I don’t go out in public unless it’s necessary. There are times that I would rather be invisible. All the weight gain has interrupted my menstrual cycles and wreaked havoc on my hormones. I have hair in very unladylike places. Bummer.
Condition myself not to self-medicate with food. Eat the veggies that I have stockpiled in my freezer. Adopt healthier food options. Back away from the plate when I have my fill. Stop eating my feelings and learn how to experience and channel my emotions into something positive. Utilize my treadmill. It’s not there for decoration!
Ditching Bad Habit #3: Lack of Confidence
I don’t believe in myself. That’s a given. This is common remark that my sisters and close friends make. They try to give me words of encouragement and I twist them around in my head. I sabotage their words and myself. I’ve thrown in the towel before the towel even enters the building. I talk myself out of lot of things. I fear failure, the unknown, and rejection. When I don’t fail, I figure it was a stroke of luck. I don’t even accept compliments like I should, especially in person. There are times when I don’t even utter a thank you. It’s not that I’m trying to be rude—I simply don’t believe them or adopt a “they probably tell everyone that” attitude.
Give myself positive affirmations daily. Accept compliments more graciously and give compliments in return. Do something I’ve never done before due to my lack of confidence.
- Single Black Female In Search of Self-Love (paramourinwaiting.wordpress.com)