Self-Love: Ditching Bad Habits (Part I)

If you read the previous post, you would know that I am on a journey to ditch bad habits in order to obtain passion for life and myself. These are some of the following habits that I plan to ditch, no matter how long it takes. I know it won’t be easy but living like this hasn’t been easy either. I will implement possible solutions and if you have any further suggestions, they are welcomed. I need all the help that I can get!

Ditching Bad Habit #1: Meaningless Sexual Relationships

This is definitely a hard habit to break. I have been sexually active since the age of 13. I used sex for love, self-esteem, power, and for a remedy. I have abused the essence of sex. It’s a habit that I’ve been trying to break for years. I was once heading in the right direction. I abstained from sex for nearly 2 years.

I think I’m heading to great start now. I ended my sexual relationship with Text the other day. He thought it was somehow his fault but I told him that I had to do this for me. He tried to convince me that our arrangement wasn’t meaningless but I already knew differently and better. I know how empty this is because I’m always in this situation but with different people. Same shit, different toilet. I initially abstained from sex in 2009 because I was angry at Lied for stringing me along when he was currently married and had a family. I did it out of anger and bitterness. Now, it isn’t about being scorned, it about being reborn in a sense. I think I can finally do this with a clear head. I also know that the hypersexuality aspect of my bipolar disorder plays  major part in this. I must get back on my medication.

SOLUTION:

Stop medicating myself with sex. Know that I am worthy and don’t have to settle for unavailable men—emotionally or romantically. Keep my legs, mouth, and anus (yes, I said anus) closed until I meet someone who wants to get to know me and not just my lady parts.

Ditching Bad Habit #2: Overeating

I have been stuffing my feelings with food for long as I can remember. My mother always scolded me for always having something in my mouth. Food always seemed to soothe me. It didn’t reject me and was always there when I needed it. Since graduating high school in 1998, I have gained 90 pounds. I went from svelte size 12 to a discomforting 18/20.

I gained majority of the weight in my relationship with Lied from 1999-2002. I ballooned to a size 16 and maintained it for several years. I gained additional weight when Same exiled me from his life and I went into a deep depression. By mid 2008, I was a whopping 265 pounds. The stresses of everyday life also kept that weight on and I never fully committed to losing weight. I began to eat several times a day, even when I wasn’t hungry.

I am down 25 pounds now but it’s nowhere I need and would like to be. I feel unhealthy, uncomfortable, and unattractive. I don’t dress as feminine as I used to do. I don’t go out in public unless it’s necessary. There are times that I would rather be invisible. All the weight gain has interrupted my menstrual cycles and wreaked havoc on my hormones. I have hair in very unladylike places. Bummer.

SOLUTION:

Condition myself not to self-medicate with food. Eat the veggies that I have stockpiled in my freezer. Adopt healthier food options. Back away from the plate when I have my fill. Stop eating my feelings and learn how to experience and channel my emotions into something positive. Utilize my treadmill. It’s not there for decoration!

Ditching Bad Habit #3: Lack of Confidence

I don’t believe in myself. That’s a given. This is common remark that my sisters and close friends make. They try to give me words of encouragement and I twist them around in my head. I sabotage their words and myself. I’ve thrown in the towel before the towel even enters the building. I talk myself out of lot of things. I fear failure, the unknown, and rejection. When I don’t fail, I figure it was a stroke of luck. I don’t even accept compliments like I should, especially in person. There are times when I don’t even utter a thank you. It’s not that I’m trying to be rude—I simply don’t believe them or adopt a “they probably tell everyone that” attitude.

SOLUTION:

Give myself positive affirmations daily. Accept compliments more graciously and give compliments in return. Do something I’ve never done before due to my lack of confidence.

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4 thoughts on “Self-Love: Ditching Bad Habits (Part I)

  1. One of the things I’ve found that helps (even though it sounds corny), is writing little message of self-love on my mirror or a dry-erase board in my closet. Since I’ve moved back in with my mom, I tend to stick to the dry-erase board now. Sometimes, I forget I’ve written anything there, open my closet in despair because I’m not sure I have anything that I can wear and feel good about and my eyes will fall on the board… and there it is: “You are SO beautiful”, and honestly? It makes me want to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of joy because even though I had forgotten it, I remember writing it now. Baby steps…. we’ll both get there. ❤

  2. Pingback: Self-Love: Ditching Bad Habits (Part II) «

  3. Pingback: Pink Slips & Evolution « Paramour in Waiting

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