I have been reflecting on my life these past few days. I feel like I’m in an endless pit of despair, complacency, and redundancy. I have still yet to find and fulfill my purpose. Who am I? Will I die not knowing the key to life? It must be something more to life than just breathing and pushing through. It seems that I am always making the same mistakes. It feels like this never-ending cycle. It’s like I’m steering a directionless car on barren roads that always leads to nowhere. Life feels like a heavy mass that I can’t seem to budge. I get unmotivated and don’t feel the need to push anymore. I’ve been drenched in this unhappiness for far too long. I can’t even sleep peacefully throughout the night. Misery awakens me. I need someone to wave a magic wand over my life.
This isn’t about my love life but my love for life. I have always struggled with knowing my self-worth. It seems so elusive to me and it breaks my heart because I should know that I deserve better. I am 31 going on 32 years old! It shames me to admit these feelings. I should have it all figured out by now especially after all this time. I’m sulking into these bad habits and they must stop. They are taking over me. I am self-medicating—actually, over self-medicating—on food, sex, and despair. And it’s leaving me emptier than before.
I found myself craving having sex with Text even though I know what we is have is empty. His pounding against my flesh temporarily relieves me and that high fades like a distant memory until the next time. I could feel my attachment to him consuming me and I began to distant myself from him. It’s meaningless mind-blowing sex and I cannot afford to make more of it than what it is. So I pushed and pushed only to let him invade my mouth and vagina again as if he alone could fill the holes that were left up to me to occupy. I’ve even considered calling other men that I’ve sworn off several months ago to make me feel good.
I eat until I’m sick as if food can fill every pit inside of me besides my stomach. Just the other day, I ate a whole tiramisu bar cake in less than a 24-hour period. That cake could have served 4-6 people! I was so sick but that didn’t stop me from going back to the fridge for more. I’ve eaten half-gallon ice creams in record times. I get this unbelievable high but end up crashing and aching for those “happier times” again. Those happy times aren’t truly making me happy. I am miserable.
I want love. I need love. And that has to start from within. I need to love myself and discover my self-worth. It is long overdue. Everyday I have to remind myself that I am worthy of more until I actually believe it. I need to remind myself that I shouldn’t settle for any ole thing. I shouldn’t have to settle for his, his, or his penis to make me feel whole. I can’t rely on food to occupy the holes that engulf me. It starts with me. I have to make this life worth living again. I have to stop abandoning my feelings and draping myself with other people’s feelings. I have to learn how to say no and mean it. I have to stand up for myself more.
Today, I will attempt to become my better self. I know it will be hard but I have to do it. The next few blog posts will focus on specific bad habits and possible solutions to abandon them. Let the journey begin.