I’m a Whore (implied the ex)

I was feeling a bit sentimental yesterday. I was thinking about turning 32 in January and began to take stock—yet again—of my love life, children, or lack thereof. Of course, I have plenty of tales for my lust life (insert faint laugh here) but love hasn’t been around much these parts in several years. Well, 6, going on 7 years to be exact. I began to wonder if I would be alone for the rest of my life. I began to wonder if I will always be a paramour….just another side dish…just another afterthought.

It so happened that Lied gave me a call out the blue. I began to open up about my past casual relationships. I asked him what would make me more dateable instead of more fuck-able. Well, he gave the most obvious answer possible, “Stop giving it up too quickly.” I’m not going to lie; this is very hard for me. Not giving it up was much easier when I was completely avoiding men (when I was so called celibate) but things tend to change when one I’m sexually curious about is around.

He went on further. He polled my previous situations, made inferences, and it made me feel a tad bit skanky y’all. Why skanky? Well, because most the dudes I decided to be within the heat of the moment tend to have significant others. At times, I respected it and didn’t take it any further. At other times, I was selfish and had the mind frame that “men will be men” anyway. But as most of you know, I’m not that big on monogamy anyway so my viewpoints are a bit tilted. But when I heard it from him, I didn’t like what I heard. It was as if the words took on another life of their own. Faint tears welled in my eyes.

Some of what he said hit me like a ton of bricks. He asked me what satisfaction I got from having sex with men when knowing afterwards that they went home to the ones they really loved. And my mind began to drift to my experiences with Same. I was desperately in love with him and after our rendezvous, I would literally dropped him off to the one he really loved. Yeah, I did that. It was selfish but the heart and the lady parts wanted what the heart and lady parts wanted (but never truly gotten). And since then, I have been numb to men and their situations because I vowed never to fall in love again. I never wanted to know again how insignificant I was in regards to their significant others. After a while, I just stop asking and caring. It was the only way I could deal with it.

I have a feeling that Text has a girlfriend but I will never ask. What we have isn’t serious and is seasonal at most. But in the back of my mind I wonder if there is someone out there for me. What if there is more than this? Do I even deserve more than this? What if this is complete and utter karma? He went on even further and gave me Patti Stanger-esque advice and suggested a makeover. Thanks a lot. So I’m an uber slut that needs a complete makeover. Could this conversation be any more compelling? Well, at least I’m a good sport in taking constructive criticism.

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3 thoughts on “I’m a Whore (implied the ex)

  1. God…this reads like my life not too long ago and in some ways still now.
    I have no encouraging saying cause I’m still trying to figure it all out….just be you…but better(if that make sense). Don’t apologize for your feelings, urges, and who you are….its alright and someone will love it.

    peace

  2. As the saying goes, if you want something different you have to do something different.

    At least you’re smart enough to take inventory of your life now the only thing is to decide what to do with what you find.

  3. @Cole- I totally get what you’re saying. And yes, someone else will love it. 🙂 Thanks for commenting. @LadyJ- You’re right. If I want something different, I need to do something different. What’s that little saying again? “Insanity is repeating the same thing over and expecting a different result.”

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