My Bad Habits and I

I’ve been hiding under a rock, this I know. I can’t believe my last post was in early September. Wow. I am so lazy. LOL. A part of me has been uninspired. I’ve divulged so much of myself that I wondered if it had become nauseating. And the parts I’ve held back ached to come forward but I wouldn’t let it. I got to the point and wondered if any actually cared what I posted. Did I care anymore? Did I care enough? My apologies.

I’ve also been working on obtaining more sustainable income. What I’m making now is simple not enough. I’ve been having financial woes out the wahzoo. Someone even suggested that I become a provider. And by “provider”, I don’t mean a health care provider. I may have to pass on that idea. It takes a brave woman to provide “companionship” to absolute strangers. That’s some set of balls that I don’t possess. More power to them! It’s been stressful to say the least but I am desperately trying to keep hope alive even though I feel consumed with the opposite. Maybe I should be out there with Occupy Houston protesters. Nah. The weather is changing.

Anywho, I have also fallen into some bad habits as of late. Yes, horrible. I know. Since I’ve been gone, I guess an update is in order, shall we?

I haven’t spoke to Soothed since he so effortlessly kicked me to the curb back in July. Even though we live a few feet apart, I’ve been pretty good at avoiding him. He is bringing his girlfriend around more and more. Yes, I’ve noticed. I was jealous at first but now, I’m used to it. She is so completely the opposite of me that a part of me wonders what he was doing with me. I digress…

I haven’t heard from Potential much since our first date. We made plans to see each other a few weeks later but nothing ever actually materialized. We began to talk to each other less and less. I decided to move on. The thought of starting things with him again terrifies me. What if he hurts me again. And besides, he wasn’t pursuing me and I wasn’t about to pursue him. Pursuing a man has never worked for me. Never! I’m thankful to say that is one of the habits I think I have broken.

I have spending more time with Text lately. It was something I never expected. And by “spending more time”, I mean doing the horizontal mambo. I’ve fell into this booty buddy cycle again. Yes, horrible. I know. This entire wait for the one has been exhausting. And it’s not like men are banging down my door to date me. I am a sexual being and I have needs. Flicking the bean is helpful but sometimes you want a man thrusting away on top of you. You want to be licked, suckled, and teased. You want to smell the chemicals between you two. Damn it! Sometimes you want to be reminded of the curves of your body, which spot on your neck that makes you weak, and feel your mountain peaks being devoured by a famished awaiting mouth. Sometimes you want to melt into another body and become one. And by “you’, I mean me!

The first time was out of curiosity a couple of months ago. It was good but I made up my mind and thought it would be a one-time thing for me. I even expressed this to him. But last week, we were back at it again. It was mind-blowing. OMG! I told my bff about it and she said it was the perfect arrangement—I don’t have any feelings for him and was basically having no strings attached sex.

No strings attached sex? Me? How long will that last? Is that even possible for an emotional creature like me? Perhaps. I have no feelings for him. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I find it a bit strange that I don’t. I’ve always managed to forge a connection with someone I have amazing sex with like a dumb ass. Have I become heartless? Did my entire oxytocin go bye, bye? Or I am being more realistic? Hmm. I guess time will tell.


One thought on “My Bad Habits and I

  1. Long time no hear from but I understand. I know what you mean about waiting on “the one”. I’ve been trying to do that and I’m loosing my mind. As you stated I am also a sexual being. Funny I just had this conversation with my “guy” about 5 minutes ago. Holding out was making me extremely cranky and mean. I enjoy feeling adored and the passion and caressing that comes with being intimate.

    Anyway, what you’ve been feeling and going through is nothing new. I think it’s an epidemic because a lot of people I know are in that head spin right now. SO you are normal, for what that’s worth. 🙂

    The no strings attached thing…hmmm…I’m very interested to see how that pans out. Wish I could but ummm, I’ve tried and it’s not happening. Best of luck and I’m still reading! 🙂

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