Sunday Morning & My Audacity

I am sitting here eating a sandwich and questioning my audacity. I am drenched in loneliness and seek Soothed to cure me. But he is nowhere around. I noticed he was gone shortly after 9pm. The loneliness gets heavier and heavier and he is the only antidote.

It’s now shortly after midnight and I’ve been sitting here waiting on his arrival. I’ve looked out my window once an hour for his truck as if I have nothing better else to do. I’ve tried reading a book, watching TV, listening to music, and rearranging my bedroom. Nothing could distract me. I didn’t realize how pathetic I was behaving until the third time I looked out the window.

I have to end things. I have to stop having sex with him. I’ve become an addict and want to feed off him. And I begin to resent him when he’s not around to quench my desires. I’ve woke up every morning for nearly 2 weeks aching for him. We’ve had 4 sexual encounters at this point and it still doesn’t feel enough. This isn’t a normal feeling. It’s irrational. I don’t like the person that I am becoming. I feel as though I am losing control. The mania is taking over and it honestly didn’t occur to me until one of my readers mentioned it. Why couldn’t I see it before? I have 2 months of medication lingering in my medicine cabinet. Why can’t I just take the darn pills?

During these cumbersome hours, The One Who Got Away and I were talking and texting. He made Soothed’s absence more bearable. I told Away the day before that I was no longer celibate. It confused him because I told him just days earlier that I was going to avoid Soothed. Believe me, the shit confused me too.

He joked that I should have given him the goodies instead but I think he was serious. I also think he was slightly jealous. He said that he thinks about me often and wanted to know if I did the same. I admitted that I rarely did. I guess he didn’t find the answer satisfactory and wanted to know how often I thought about “that white boy”. I in turn asked him how often he thought about his “white girl”. The brotha didn’t have a snappy comeback for that one.

I channelled my irrational resentment with Soothed into irrational flirtation with Away. I needed the temporary distraction and attention. In middle of our text session, Soothed arrived at 12:31am. I saw his milky skin reflect off the night sky as he walked to his apartment. I imagined his hands and his lips all over me. He became poetry in motion. Reality bitch slapped me and made me wonder if those same hands and lips were on someone else all that time. Yet again, I had to question my damn audacity. Where he was all night wasn’t any of my business. A part of me wanted to contact him but I continued to converse with Away. I think that was for the best.

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5 thoughts on “Sunday Morning & My Audacity

  1. @jadewhistle Wow. You yet again hit the nail right on the head. I’m so grateful that someone understands the mental turmoil that I am going through. I feel less alone. I want to thank you for that. You’re right. I did replace one man for the other. If it wasn’t with Away, I probably would have used another substitute (another man, food, etc). It’s so hard to admit when you have a problem. And taking pills makes me feel like I’m officially admitting that I’m a nut job. It’s a constant struggle. I wish I could find that missing puzzle piece and yours too. I don’t feel complete at times. I feel as though I’m walking severed statue.

    @islandlover18 LOL. He does have a big ole head. I feel like such a dumbass waiting on him. WTF was I thinking?

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