Booty Buddy Fails

Of course there are some do’s and don’ts when comes to being a booty call. Most of them are a given and you have to be dumb as hell to break them. And I’m sure a few of us are guilty for crossing the line. I know that I am not the only dummy who has made and/or experienced the following booty call fails. Let’s begin!

Overstaying your welcome

When it’s time to go, it’s time to go. I had a booty call that stayed the night without letting me know beforehand. After “The One Who Had Sex with His Clothes On” busted his nut, I assumed he was leaving. He stayed! I went to the living room and “fell asleep” watching TV. The next morning, I told him that I had to go to work early. He informed me later that day that he upset that I didn’t share the bed with him. I felt kind of bad but would a man who only has sex with his clothes be a turn on to you?

I’m also guilty of overstaying. After my romp in the hay with a guy I really liked, I purposely lingered around a few extra minutes. He offered me something to drink and I sipped it very slowly. Water never tasted so good. I’m pretty sure it was from the faucet but in my mind, it was from the fucking French Alps. He stood over me like, “Damn! Hurry up, drink that shit, and go.”

Using a booty buddy to get another potential booty buddy

I came between two brothers. I used one to get to the other. Horrible and slutty, I know. FAIL!  But what do you expect from a former resident of Slutville? It’s one of my biggest regrets. “The One I Used” was a co-worker and I had a crush on his brother, “The One Who Had Me at Hello” but I could never get up to him to meet him. So I started to spend more time with “Used” and we had a one night stand. That wasn’t part of the plan but it somehow happened. And it was amazing! And he was hung like a horse! In his own way, “Used” used me for too but I think his ego was bruised when he walked in on me and his brother (who wasn’t so hung), having sex months later. He told us to have fun and left the apartment. Awkward!

Asking your booty buddy to go steady

“The One Who Had Me at Hello” and I began seeing each other more often. “Used” had no problem with it. I became attached to “Hello” and told him that I might as well be his girlfriend since we spent so much time together. FAIL! He told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I avoided him out of embarrassment for several weeks but we slowly started things back up. Several months later, he decided that he wanted a relationship but I wasn’t interested anymore. My va jay jay was ready to move on.

Being a booty buddy with a phantom

I met “The One Who Worked out of Town” while doing volunteer work at a food bank. He was a wealthy businessman from Trinidad and was sexy as hell. We began messing around. He had the biggest penis that I have ever seen! That penis damn near reached my chest cavity.

He would disappear and reappear, like a ghost. I wouldn’t see or hear from him for months at a time and I had no means of contacting him because his cell was always off.  FAIL! But he somehow wanted for us (I guess he meant me) to be exclusive. I found his international number at his cousin’s place and I contacted him. He was pleasantly surprised (or so I thought) but questioned how I retrieved his number. He was absolutely livid with his cousin! He even threatened his life. It turned out that he did not reside in Houston. He was in Nigeria. Nigeria?! And he was a Nigerian— not Trinidadian. Who lies about their nationality? And I don’t think he was making his money legally either. “Contractor” could mean many things.

Falling in love

Technically, I fell in love with “The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same” before he was my booty buddy but having sex definitely sky rocketed my emotions. I swear he must have put some voodoo on me because he had my nose wide open! I would have done any and everything for this dude. I sucked that man’s dick like he was royalty! But then again, technically, his lineage did consist of royalty. LOL. Falling in love with your booty call is a terrible idea! Don’t do it! MAJOR FAIL! You will get your feelings hurt!

Drunk texting/calling your booty buddy

I was full of  Tarantula Azul Tequila and left “The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same” a drunken voicemail. I told him, “I will always love you no matter what” or something to that effect. He called me back a few minutes later and said that my voicemail creep him out. I had egg dripping from my effing face. FAIL! I was crouching over the bushes throwing up after that. ANOTHER FAIL! And I’m not going to lie, I dropped a few tears when I got home. Ok, a more than a few. TRIPLE FAIL! Things were awkward between us for a few days. Awkward with a capital “A”!

Having a booty buddy and boyfriend (or another buddy) at the same time

I was having problems with my boyfriend, “The One Who Lied” and found consolation with “The One Who Got Away”. I was sleeping with both of them and when a certain situation arose, I did not know who to blame except my damn myself. FAIL! The culprit, “Lied” was eventually revealed and I’m grateful that “Away” wasn’t affected—or I should say infected.

Ever since my run in with chlamydia, I insisted on protected sex. I got tested before and after each partner religiously. What if I contracted an incurable disease? Herpes? HIV/AIDS? I’m broke as hell! I can’t afford Magic Johnson’s super wonder drugs! What if I ended up pregnant? Would I be on Maury running backstage to the couch? 2001 was a very scary year!

Asking  your booty buddy to move in

I had a brief fling with “The One Who Tried to Run Game”. He was the male version of me. He was a free spirit, funny, easy-going, non-religious, and a bit unorthodox. And he hanged with the horses–if you know what I mean. He would have been perfect for me. But he would lie for no reason. He had girly things everywhere in his apartment and swear that he didn’t live with anyone. He eventually admitted what I already knew and had the nerve to ask me if he could move in. FAIL! I guess she gave him the boot. I refused and never heard from him again. Figures…

So, there you have it. Those were my booty call fails. You’re probably laughing at the top of lungs or have your mouth wide open at my former whoredom. I’m currently experiencing both emotions. Being celibate makes me question every penis that has made me happy, unhappy, and in between. Most of them weren’t worth it but when you’re young, dumb, and full of cum, you don’t see that.

What are your booty call fails? Don’t be ashamed! Drop yours down below. I’m in no position to judge you. Seriously!


6 thoughts on “Booty Buddy Fails

  1. Magic Johnson’s Wonder Drugs cost all of $7 per bottle….and made in Idaho!!! Condoms are still a really good idea. come shake your booty with me at Icon..Love ya!

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