The other day, I saw a former lover (we’ll call him “The One Who Soothed Me”) being cozy with another woman. He greeted, kissed, and held her. I was jealous but why? It’s not like I’m in love with him. I didn’t want to bear his children. I don’t wake up and go to sleep with him on my mind. Maybe it was a territorial feeling or an “I’m lonely so that means you have to be lonely” type of thing. Perhaps I was jealous of the intensity of their affection. I suppose it was all of the above.
Let’s take a walk down memory lane… shall we?
We began messing around with each other while we both we’re still in love with someone else. We found a hot, sweaty, and freaky kind of solace in each other. And we tapped into a lot of things sexually that blew my mind! The arrangement was getting kind of stale though. It was déjà vu all over again but with a different person. It seemed like a never-ending cycle! I admit, it was fun but it was not going anywhere. And I couldn’t afford to fall in love with another friend with benefits. (Side note: My ex was coming around more than usual and I decided to put a few eggs in that basket, even though that bastard has broken them before. That was a big mistake. Refer to this post for that outcome.)
I ended things quite weirdly with him. It was during our bondage session. Yes, bondage. My mind started to race all of a sudden. It came out of nowhere. Instead of focusing on this intense pleasure that I was about to receive, I thought about a series of “what ifs”. What if I wanted more than this? What if I wasn’t just a booty call anymore? What if someone actually wanted a life with me? What if I wanted kids someday? What if my ex and I could finally work things out? What if I never find the one? What if I end up a crazy cat lady that everyone in the neighborhood avoided and made fun of? What if I died alone in heartbreak and filth?
He could tell that I wasn’t my usual self. I tried to be in the moment but couldn’t. After lying in his bed bound and unresponsive, I asked for him to untie me. We sat there for a few minutes with awkward silences in between. I kept saying that I didn’t know why I wasn’t into it. I lied. I knew why. I wanted more than he was willing to give and a part of me understood why he couldn’t. We couldn’t soothe each other forever. It was just a quick fix and I was in desperate need of a remedy. I got dressed and left. It wasn’t anything against him. I felt like my own worst enemy at that moment. I felt so ashamed of foolishly repeating this cycle.
I’m grateful that things aren’t awkward between us. It’s like it has never happened. Although we don’t hang out like we used to, we always greet each other with pleasantries. But nonetheless, he is a good guy and I wish him the best but…why was I jealous?