Birthday Reflections & Disconnections

Candles spell out the traditional English birt...

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Today is my birthday. I’m 31 years old. Wow. 31 years old. Time flew by so fast. At 18, I had my life figured out. I would have graduated college by 22, married by 24, and started a family by 26. That plan did not pan out so well. I spent several years in and out of college and meandered between majors. I chose journalism out on a whim. I figured the only thing I could do with a Bachelor’s in English was to become a teacher. And due to a mistake aka revenge on an ex-boyfriend at 22, the state of Texas was not about to let that happen anyway.

 I look at my life now and honestly, I am severely unhappy. I feel so stuck. I feel like I’m standing in place as others pass me by. Where is my passion for life? Is it in Texas? Will I find my purpose nestled under a rock elsewhere? Where in the fuck is it? Why can’t I be brave and pack up and move to another city like one of my friends? Why can’t I be like some people and work a mediocre job for the rest of my life? Why do I sit here waiting for my purpose, my calling? What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

 When I posed these questions to myself, and felt dissatisfied to my response or lack there of, I used sex as an escape. It was my spirituality. It was a source of empowerment and inspiration. It has even been my muse. I’ve been celibate 18 months and I feel more powerless and disconnected than I have ever been before.

I feel as though sexuality is a manifestation of love and therefore a link to spirituality that taps into the goddess within me.  #dontjudgeme I’m still trying to find myself without sexuality and being an emotional eater.

I need a change. If I had the money, I would travel the world. I wanna be on that Eat, Pray, Love shit. I need a reawakening.  

Well, the day has just begun. My friends are taking me out tonight. I will slowly grow out this funk. Every birthday, I get a little iffy about my life and its direction. I would like to thank everyone for their birthday wishes. I appreciate it.

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