I just cannot be in a moment and stay there. My mind starts to wander. I began to over analyze and remove myself from the situation entirely. I do not mean to judge but I tend to. The barometer is usually based on the person’s traits and/or behavior and my experience.
There is a guy who wants me to come over to his place for a movie night. He has a reputation of being a womanizer. I can not decipher whether it is his Facebook façade or his unequivocal truth. And from experience, most men are not inviting a woman over just to watch a movie. They eventually try to touch her tit, ass, or crotch. Or if there is no touching involved, sexual innuendos are often made. Or they give you that “you look like a hot glazed donut” stare. Or they try to kiss you.
I do not have time for that. I have been in too many instances as such and I can see it coming from a mile away. I should not have made the date in the first place. I was not trying to lead him on or play games.
I admit, I am terrified of men. I am terrified of putting myself in certain situations where I feel the guy wants something in return because he has been hospitable or spent his money. I am terrified of being someone’s dirty little secret. I am terrified of being another fuck buddy. I am terrified of falling in love again. I am terrified of giving my all only to get severed pieces. I am terrified of something new. I am terrified of “hanging out”. I am terrified of dating.
Celibacy has built this soothing cocoon around me. I use it to push men away. It is safe. I do not want it to turn me into an antisocial butterfly but my life has been less stressful staying away from men. I admit, I do get lonely but I rather be lonely than to get used or hurt again.