Lately, I’ve been in this really insecure. Granted, I’ve always been insecure but this is different. I wonder if I looked and acted differently would I still be single. If I fell into line, would I still be single? If I weren’t overweight, would I still be single? If I weren’t so earthy and bohemian, would I still be single? If I had money, would I still be single?
I’ve always heard that in order to attract the right man, one had to change their appearance to become more eye-catching. So does that mean I go broke getting my hair and nails done? Does that mean I dress more womanly? Wear makeup? Shave my grizzly bear legs? Shave my armpits? Wear hair extensions? Get a chemical peel? Does it mean I have to be a completely different person? Does “what’s inside count” count anymore?
Should I aspire to look more hip and less hippie? What if I like homely? What if like being different? Does it count for anything?
I’ve notice how most men look at my little sister. We could be standing next to each other but somehow, men become fixated by her. I can’t count the number of times when we are together when a man doesn’t look at her. I become chopped liver. Transparent as glass. It’s like I’m not even there.
This then made me look at the other women I see in public. I gauge men’s reactions when they look or speak to other women. I would love for a man to break his neck when he saw me in a sea of women. I can’t say all men don’t notice me. Most of the men that approach me are either in relationships or just want to be friends with benefits. I used to feel so lonely and desperate that I didn’t care about their relationship statuses. And the rest of the pickings are plain ‘ole weird.
But now that I am not frivolous with my sexuality, it seems as if less men are approaching me. Is it because I’m not as insecure as I used to be or even more insecure than before? I thought I was making progress by becoming celibate. Now it only reminds me that most men only wanted one thing from me. And now that I have refused to give in, do I deserve to go virtually unnoticed?