So I was watching The View this morning and Dr. Oz said that women by the age of 30 have only 12% of their eggs. Wow. A part of me was a bit let down by because I am 30 and childless. But I felt a little more at ease when he said that I had about 120,000left. Anywho…
I’ve been celibate since last July. If you personally knew me, that fact alone would be an utter surprise. I’ve always flew my freak flag high. My sexuality was my spirituality. It was like water to me. I suppose I got fed up. I got fed up with men using me or not taking our relationship seriously or to the next level.
The last man I was with sexually was my ex-boyfriend aka The One Who Lied. We’ve been off and on since 1999. He officially ended our relationship in 2002 but throughout the years, we still managed to fool around. He put ideas in my head that we were made for each other and that we would be together eventually. He wanted for us to get married and have children. A part of me resisted. He was a liar and cheater so I couldn’t take him seriously. But he had such a hold on me.
I would ask him from time to time if there was seeing someone serious and he vehemently denied it. He assured me that I was the only woman he could ever love. Of course, I didn’t believe him but I remained honest about my dating life to him. To make a long story short, I found out he was married for three years and had a little girl via FACEBOOK!!!!! It broke me. It made me stop believing in love.
It made me reevaluate the men I believed in or gave myself to. A part of me wonders if a man could ever just love me for me instead of my insatiable appetite. Throughout this celibacy journey, I’ve seen certain men leave my life because they couldn’t have their way with me anymore. I’ve seen men try to disregard my journey and try to have their way with me. I’ve seen men excited at the fact that I’m celibate but at the same time thinking they alone had some special key to unlock the goodies. Ugh!
I’m not going to lie. There is a heat inside of me that needs to be extinguished. I wake up in the middle of the night hoping and craving to be consumed by a man. I miss the touch of a man. The smell of one. The way one feels inside of me. Losing my inhibitions. Getting lost in heated and unfiltered moments. But after the moment has pass, I felt empty again and looking for more spaces to fill and feel.