Update: Surgery, Recovery & More

As some of you may know, I had my myomectomy on Feburary 12th. A new fibroid was discovered and the surgeons were able to remove a 5cm tumor and two more that were half that size. The biggest one (7cm) was left behind. The doctor said that I would have lost my uterus if it was removed. He also said that after I’ve healed completely I need to aggressively have a baby because time is running out. Once I give birth my uterus has to be removed.

I suppose the news isn’t surprising but still saddening nonetheless. Another doctor said that I needed to have a baby due to the severity of my fibroids a few year back. I guess a part of me was waiting on my knight in shining amour to sweep me off my feet and have babies with me but maybe I need to let that dream go. Maybe I just need to go ahead and become another single black mother statistic. Is there a “be my baby daddy” website out there? I honesty don’t know what to do at this point. Maybe I’ll gain more clarity once I’m healed in a couple of months. Pray for me, send some positive vibes, etc.

Recovery was a bit challenging. My mother came every morning for about two weeks but I didn’t have any help in the evening. The painkillers also made me hallucinate like crazy. I don’t know if it is because I’m bipolar or what. It was definitely a scary experience! It’s been about three weeks and there’s some pain but I’m getting better day by day.

In other news…

I’m currently working on a poetry book that I’m self-publishing through createspace. I’ve been writing poetry since a pre-teen and always had a love for poetry. Slyvia Plath, Pablo Neruda, Maya Angelou, Khalil Gibran, and Saul Williams are my top five. With the emergence of poetry from Warsan Shire, Rapi Kaur, Nayyiah Waheed, Yrsa Daley-Ward and others, I finally feel more inspired than ever to publish. I can’t say that I’ll be as eloquent as they are because I can be self-deprecating at times and that’s ok.  We all can’t be the same.

The working title is The Chaos of Longing. It briefly touches on trauma and living with bipolar disorder but the meat of the book is about the chaos of longing for flesh, affection, self-love, and healing. And of course some of men I discuss on the blog will make an appearance.

Birthday Blues

Today is my 36th birthday. Early on I was feeling ok but suddenly the birthday blues invaded me.

I feel unaccomplished, financially destitute, childless, and lonely as fuck. Did I mention that I have gained weight? I’m pretty sure ALL this fuckery is my creation though. I guess my new year’s resolution is to have a less shitty life.

The powerball is $500 million tonight. Maybe I’ll be the lucky winner. 😀