I’ve Come to a Decision!

After all these year riddled with indecision and depression, I have decided to get off my ass and obtain my Masters degree! I have been sitting around looking at these four walls and feeling sorry for myself for too long. I feel it is time to finally do something productive with my life. I need something to look forward to. Watching television, surfing the net and compulsive eating does not seem to do the trick anymore. My brain cells and waist line hates me so much right now. Anywho…

When I received my BA in journalism in 2008, my future felt bright. “This was it,” I thought to myself. “The world is at my feet!” I thought that I would become financially stable and happy with my life for once. I imagined myself with a nice house, luxury car and going on vacations. Well, it did not quite work out that way. What happened? Life.  The severity of my bipolar disorder also occurred.

A few months before graduation, The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same terminated our casual relationship after 3 years. He told me that I was dead to him. I was devastated for months. I grew more depressed when he informed me several months later that was he leaving town. In between that time, I stopped taking my medication. I  grew tired of the side effects. I grew tired of everything. I was let go by my doctor for missing too many appointments. Although it was just my psychiatrist, I felt rejected by yet another person.

In February 2009, I was laid off my job after 5 years. There were talks about me being placed in a management position. I held on to that hope instead of looking for a career in my respective field. Complacency and fear of change made me stay. When I decided to pursue a job in the journalism field, I did not have any relevant experience. It seemed like rejection stood on every corner I turned.

I grew even more depressed.

Around this time, the economy was in a terrible state and many were without work. There did not seem to be any jobs in sight! I drained all of my unemployment benefits for nearly 2 years. I turned in my letter of resignation at life. I shut myself off from the rest of the world and camouflaged my inner turmoil. People suggested that I go back to college during this downtime but I was not listening. I felt like I did not have a place in this world anymore. Why even try?

Last year, I obtained employment but was terminated due to a consumer report. So here I am—6 months later in the same position in which I am unhappily accustomed. Zero progression and I have no one to blame but myself. Lately I have been trying harder than ever to change that. I have applied for work left and right. Although I have received several “We went with a candidate with more experience” emails, I am going to keep searching.

Even though this intense job search has been frustrating and depressing, I cannot let it beat me down to a pulp. I have bled on the ground for far too long. It is time for me to get up even if I may stumble at first. I do not want to enter another year stagnant and in a deep depression. I want to be able to say that I did something productive in 2013. Going back to college will give me a glimmer of hope.

Under Employment Blues

I have been staring at this computer screen off and on for the past several days. Although I have missed having an outlet to bounce my feelings off of, my updates are quite lackluster and I am a little ashamed. I have been away for a while—supposedly off to some wondrous quest to find some type of meaning of life and happiness. What did I come up with?

Um…truthfully…much of nothing. Sorry but even my thoughts of grandeur could not turn these stubborn lemons into fresh squeezed crowd pleasing lemonade. Those lemons instead stayed on my kitchen counter, festered and withered like a raisin in the sun. Langston Hughes would be so proud of that analogy…nah…probably not.

Well, I did get a job.

Um…not so quick people. Put the balloons, confetti and party blowers away!

I did not like the job but they were one of the few companies that called me back. I bombed some interviews and out of sheer desperation, I took the job. I did not even have to interview for it! WINNING! And just like that, life in Severely Unemployed Town began once again. Just as I got used to this habitual and miserable complacency, something surprising happened.

I got terminated—today as a matter of fact. The company claimed it was due to a credit check which is confusing to me. My credit has been good lately. It has been so good that I have acquired credit cards again. That has not happened since my mid 20s! They also claimed that the background company sent me a letter last month. I never received a damn letter!

After 3 years of unemployment due to a company layoff, a series of bad interviews, and not knowing what to do with my damn life, I really thought I was on a road that led to somewhere. Now the grueling task of finding new employment is upon me sooner than expected. It scares me. I want to shit myself. I want to hide under my freaking blanket.

More updates to come…