You May Be Obsessed With Someone If…

updated 2:25pm 3/19/12

Have you ever wondered if you were obsessed with someone or not? Being obsessed with someone can drive you bat sh*t crazy. Sure, it’s glitter and unicorns in the beginning until you’re balled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth and crying because he or she doesn’t love you as much as you love them.

Read this list of cray-cray to see if your actions fall into the category. If you do not fall into this category I am happy for you. I want to be stable as you when I grow up. If you can relate to this, you are not alone. Maybe we should seek help. I think it’s time. People are starting to stare.

"You don't love me so everybody and their mama and their damn dog have to die!!!!!!!"

YOU MAY BE OBSESSED WITH SOMEONE IF…

You spend an excessive amount of time thinking and/or yearning for the object of desire to the point that you lose control of your emotions, habits or even your personality.

Are you missing out on dating, hanging out with friends, washing your ass, etc. because you think about this person relentlessly? Do you only make yourself solely available to tend to their every need or to feed your obsession? Have you altered parts of yourself (mentally, physically, or spiritually) to mirror their personality? Have you altered yourself to become more of the type that they would normally date?

You memorize the object of your desire’s schedule and you’re “conveniently” around when he/she appears.

Are you in a designated area like clockwork because you know they will be passing by soon? Do you spend extra time looking for the perfect outfit just for these few seconds of bliss? Do you get angry, curious or “casually” look around for this person if they deviate from “the plan”?

You know every detail(s) of their life without them ever informing you.

Have you turned Google into your b*tch to find out every detail about this person? Have you tracked down their social media page, telephone number, home address or any other personal information? Do you know things about them that would make them feel uncomfortable (not pleasantly surprised like you’ve always envisioned )?

You text, call, and/or email the object of your desire constantly and get emotional when they don’t reply.

Have you been trying to contact this person to no avail? Did your messages gradually become crazier? Did your messages start with a standard hello and spiraled into an insecure and profane dialogue? Did your object of desire tell you any variation of the following: “Leave me alone”, “You’re creeping me out,” or “I’m going to call the police.” Do you really want to be Bubba’s or Big Boned Brenda’s b*tch in the slammer? Think about it.

"Call 'em! Call 'em! I ain't afraid of no po-pos!!!!"

You hack (or try to hack) into the object of your desire’s voicemail, social network page, email, etc.

You have some nerve don’t you? You act as if you can crawl into their mind and figure their password? Wait…you did? Question. Have you ever worked for News of the World? If you know their password and check their account(s) regularly, you may be obsessed!

You find out the object of your desire’s location and you show up or pass by in hopes of catching a glimpse of him/her.

Your “boo” just tweeted that they’re at Wal-Mart. Do you check every store within a 10 mile radius of their home? Do you follow them down every aisle or do the “I didn’t know you shopped at this Wal-Mart” bit? People like you are the reason why celebrities post their check-ins after long after they have left the building.

You check your object of desire’s social network page like it’s going out of style.

No more hiding in the bushes. You can now sit on your ass and stalk mindlessly away. Are you checking their profile morning, noon and night? Are you constantly refreshing their page for new updates and comments? Do you download their pics too? If you’re not their friend or blocked (hmm, I wonder why), do you check their page through someone else’s login info? Have you resorted to creating a fake profile in hopes of being added?

You have a shrine devoted to the object of your desire.

I see why MJ wanted to Scream.

You have a very special and very creepy place to admire him/her. You have pictures of them, maybe a lock of hair, chewed gum, etc in your possession. You call it paying homage. Others call it plain ole disturbing. Perhaps you stare lovingly into these pics.  Maybe you two have a conversation. Maybe you pleasure yourself.

You have this delusion that the object of your desire does (or will) belong to you.

You invented this fantasy of you two being together forever simply because he/she: complimented you, gave you a stick of gum, made you aware of the booger in your nose, had sex with you, etc. The reason could be anything and your entire bottle of crazy just spills out. Now all you can do is imagine the 2.5 kids (who are truly adorable by the way), a dog and the white picket fence. Do you also have the “if I can’t have you, no one can” mindset at the thought of losing or never being with this person? Well, I have some news for you. You are officially obsessed!

Have you ever been obsessed?

Have someone ever been obsessed with you?

$5 Date

The One Who Never Let Up contacted me via Facebook. A few months ago, he pissed me off and I ended all contact with him and blocked him on Facebook. I decided to unblock him a couple of weeks ago because I felt that he wouldn’t bother me after all this time. Wrong! He must have felt the magical powers of being unblocked because he messaged me the very next week. He said that he had been thinking about me and wanted to apologize once again for offending me a few months ago.

I decided to accept his apology—wholeheartedly this time. I honestly thought that was the end of our conversation. It wasn’t. I should have known. Small talk led to even more small talk and we exchanged numbers. Yeah, what was I thinking, right?

He wanted to call but our conversations basically sounded like crickets chirping so I opted out by texting instead. He still wanted to call me. Ugh! I guess I got so accustomed to communicating via text because of my recent a-hole of an ex. Not a good thing. We finally talked. It was awkward. The conversation was boring with a capital B. I was a good sport about it and eventually made some excuse to get off the phone.

Over the next few days, our conversations got more tolerable but his calls and messages became too constant and ever so irritating. I heard from him morning, noon, and night! He asked inappropriate questions about my fun bags, toes and lady garden. He reeked of Eau de Pervert! Piu! I expressed to him that such topics made me uncomfortable. Honestly speaking, it made me uncomfortable because I wasn’t attracted to him and couldn’t imagine ever being naked with him.

He wanted to take me out on a date. I accepted but after thinking about our last encounter, my lack of attraction, and those questions he asked, I was wary about it. I expressed to him that I didn’t see this going any further than of a platonic nature. Then he played the “I’m a good man and I will spoil you but I guess you’re not ready for a real man” card. And I thought to myself, “I gave all these other losers a chance. One date with him shouldn’t hurt, right?”

This past Saturday evening was our scheduled date. He contacted me early Saturday morning and wanted to know what I was doing. I told him that I was going out to breakfast with a friend. In an effort to get me to cancel said plans, he told me that he had $5 in his pocket to buy my breakfast and that he wanted to see me. I thought his offer was kind but I declined. But then it hit me—aren’t we suppose to be going out on a date that evening? How does he expect to take me out on a $5 budget? Something was definitely fishy about this.

I asked him about the details of our plans and how they would mesh with his budget. That’s when the truth came out. His plan was to come over to watch movies at my place. Re-f#cking-wind!!!! Did this dude Rick Rolled me? Claiming that he wanted to take me out on a date but now wanted to park his dusty behind on my couch and watch movies instead? This can’t be real. He can’t be serious.

Calgon take me the eff away.

Issue no Amber Alert.

Do not contact Texas Equusearch.

Just take me away and never bring my Black ass back!!!

I told him that we would see each other when he’s ready to take me out. I didn’t appreciate being lied to like that and I was going to make him wait it out. By no means am I a gold digger. I wasn’t expecting a lavish dinner by candlelight at a fancy restaurant. I wasn’t expecting to order the Maine lobster with black truffles and sample the most expensive wine as a violin player serenaded us at our table. (Wow, that actually sounded kinda nice.) Did I mention that the maitre d’ is oh so handsome?

Oops. Back to reality…

Damn it, I just wanted a real date. Can a sista get a real date? As in somewhere public? I’m sick of looking at these four walls! Why do these sea of Negroes and that one particular Anglo (and that one Indian from India) always trying to hide a sista in my (or their) place? Going to the movies and having dinner at a reasonably priced restaurant would have been suffice. Is that too much to ask? You would think that I was asking them to end world hunger or obtain peace in the Middle East. Gosh!

He kept insisting on seeing me. Most dudes would have said either of the following:  “Well, f#ck you then b#tch. You ain’t that cute no damn way,” or “You’re right. I said that I was going to take you out and I will.” They would not have been a big ole baby about it! He kept calling and texting. It’s started to get real creepy. I had to put my foot down and tell him about his behavior. Destiny’s Child had a name for people like him—bug a boo! I have ignored all calls and text messages since.

Maybe I should have taken that date. I should have met him at Subway, made him watch me eat a $5 foot long courtesy of his coins and never spoke to him again. Maybe that would have taught him a damn lesson!

$5 footlooooonnnnnnnggggggggggg!!!!!!

$5 date. I must be so special. What would my father say if he were alive?

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