Well, it’s official. Operation Avoidance has been aborted. Shortly after I posted my last blog, we end up talking about the other night.
He wanted to know if I had any regrets about it. I expressed that I did. He also told me that he had no expectations of us ever being sexual like we did in the past but wanted me to know that it’s ok to feel sexual. It’s ok to want to be kissed and touched. And that he would exert more control even although he found me irresistible.
Wow. No man has ever told me that I was irresistible before. That made me felt sexy. And the fact that he wanted to resist me intrigued me. As silly as this sounds, I somehow wanted him to resist temptation. I wanted him to lose control so that I could.
Then out of the blue, he asked me the craziest question in the world. He asked me if I was looking to be in a relationship with him. Huh? A relationship? I guess he thought that I wanted to be in a relationship in order to have sex. I’m not going to dive in a relationship just to have sex. That ludicrous! This journey has mostly been about not using sex to self medicate. Becoming celibate wasn’t solely based on withholding sex because I couldn’t find a man. He is a cool person and I like hanging out with him but I don’t see him as a romantic prospect. I couldn’t help but laugh!
I went over to his place later that night. We had dinner, talked, and watched movies. Things got heated again. Very heated. After I used his bathroom, he met me at the sink unexpectedly. We started to kiss passionately. It was one of those kisses that I envied in the movies. It was one of those kisses that unleashed every feeling that has been lying dormant for nearly 2 years.
That’s when I knew that he was right; it was ok to feel sexual. It was overwhelming. The way he kissed and touched me made me feel like a woman again. His sense of control intervened and he said that we needed to get back to the movie. A part of me felt relieved but deferred in my longing. I became addicted to the feeling that he gave me. I craved more of it.
Everything else became a blur after we sat back on the couch. I was paralyzed in longing and didn’t care what happened next. We began to make out again. He led me to his bedroom. He undressed, kissed, and licked me all over my body. He wanted me to lay there as he gave me pleasure and honey chile I was ok with that! LOL! Every kiss and every touch felt like fire! He took me into his mouth and the feelings I felt were indescribable. All I could do was moan and shudder in ecstasy. I was shaking like a leaf! He inserted his fingers inside of me and I got wetter and wetter. My body was yielding to him—something that I never thought would happen ever again. I had two orgasms and felt sleepy. The intensity of it all tired me!
I woke up later and found him playing a video game. I told him that I was going upstairs to sleep in my bed. He wanted to join me but I declined. I wanted to snore, drool, and didn’t want any witnesses. LOL! I also needed to time to reflect on what happened. I told him that I had fun and would talk to him later.
Did I see this as another celibacy setback? No. I was in complete control and didn’t use the situation to make me feel better about myself. I also didn’t wake up the next morning regretting it. In fact, the opposite happened. I kept reliving it and need to feel that way again—soon. I wanted those panties on the floor again!
Stay tuned for what happened next…