Worst Plan Ever

It’s has been nearly 3 months since I had sex. A few nights ago, I nearly had a breakdown. I was crying, feeling lonely and extremely hypersexual. I craved to be kissed, touched and loved (or least lusted after). I needed to feel something. I thought I was going to go mad. So I devised a plan…a very stupid plan. I decided to seduce (or at least seductively flirt with) Silver Fox. Yes, the professor!

I had it all planned out in my head. I would make up a random excuse to go to his office. He would be sitting at his desk. I would come behind him, whisper something dirty in his ear and start kissing on his neck. He would initially object but cave in as his breathing got heavier and heavier. Or I would reach across the desk to touch his hand innocently. Somehow, my touch would send passion through his veins like a wildfire! Desire would overwhelm us and he would take me on his desk LIKE A BOSS!!! Maybe I should lay off the soap operas.

The next day, I wore a “nice but not too nice like I was trying to get attention” dress. It was  Marilyn Monroe meets Zoey Deschanel. Sexy and flirty but with a dash of adorkable. When the moment of seduction drew near, I freshened up and took off my granny panties. I slipped on my sexy red & black lace boy shorts from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I couldn’t seduce him in sweaty ass big ass panties!

“G. U. Y.” by Lady Gaga played in my head as I sashayed to his office.  “I wanna be the girl under you. I wanna be your G.U.Y. Oh yeah!”

No one was there. He was at a department meeting.

“I guess I’ll come back later,” I muttered to myself as I slowly lost all the lady balls I was grabbing just moments earlier.

About an hour later, we ran into each other. Damn it! He was supposed to be at his desk! This wasn’t part of the m-effing plan! Damn it!

“Hi. Dr. ********. I was stopping by to pick up my assignment. Did you make your copy?” I said quite confident of myself.

“Oh. Ok. I think I may have it here,” he awkwardly said. Gosh he is so awkward but it’s kinda cute. My heart started to pound. He opened the door for me and we went inside. I closed his door behind me LIKE A BOSS!!! That awkward dick was going to be mine!!!

“Um…I did not get a chance to make a copy…I’ll be back shortly.”

I started to panic. My lace undies were giving me a major wedgie! I gave myself an internal pep talk. “Wink at him! Touch his hand when he gives your paper back! Lick your lips! Do something!”

He came back and…LEFT THE DOOR WIDE OPEN!!! Damn it! I can’t seduce him with the door opened! Thanks a lot Dr. Oblivious!

He told me that I did very well and thanked me. I thought the thanking me part was weird but I let it slide. We briefly talked about the upcoming term paper. He wanted to know more about my topic.

“Um…I don’t know…I’m still confused about what to do,” I said as I avoided eye contact and shifted my attention to the other professors talking in the hallway.

“Do you have any questions?”

I choked. I couldn’t go through with my sexy yet stupid plan. Too many f*cking barriers.

“No,” I said in disappointment over the opened door, my nervousness and the wedgie that increasingly limited blood circulation to my butt crack!

“No???” he said surprisingly as if he anticipated a different response.

I thanked him for returning my paper and left. All I kept thinking was, “That was so awkward!” and “I need to take off these damn panties!”

I Have a Crush On…

I have a crush on my professor.

I know. I know. What am I thinking, right? At least read before you shake your finger at me in defiance. I’m a little maniac and hypersexual right now so please excuse the bipolar. Just don’t make direct eye contact with it.

I developed a harmless mini crush on The One Who is a Silver Fox when I took his class last semester. He is nerdy, awkward, has a dry sense of humor and easygoing. That sexy old geezer turns me on like a key in the ignition y’all! He’s divorced, has a preteen year old daughter and is 23 years my senior. He is definitely the oldest man I’ve ever been attracted to. I undressed him with my eyes occasionally and inspected his dick print during lecture. Yeah…dick print. It’s not monstrous but it seems suffice. 

My feelings went through a complete transformation this semester. I have a burning desire for him! I registered specifically for his class. I sit close to him. I watch his mouth as he speaks. I have intense sexual dreams about him. When he accidentally said “sex” instead of “text” during a lecture, I nearly lost it. Perhaps it was a Freudian slip. Ha!

We tend to hold our gazes too long but I chalked it up to familiarity—until last week.  I was sitting in a secluded study area as he was walking to his office. Our eyes met and we greeted each other as usual. Here is where it deviated from the normal—he smiled like a Cheshire cat and stared until he passed the corner! This lasted about 6-7 seconds. I was initially shocked but I proceeded to do the following dance in my head.

Perhaps this milkshake does brings all the boys to the yard.

I could be overreacting. Maybe he didn’t stare as long as I thought. Maybe time only stood still for me. Maybe he was being really friendly that day. Perhaps he was waiting for me to break the glance first. Who knows? But then again…when I’m in another class, he usually stares right at me when he passes by.

Where do we go from here? No damn where! Duh! Typical me would flirt heavily until I secured the penis if couldn’t get anything tangible. I won’t do that this time. I’m tired of rejection, heartache and booty calls. Can a sista get wooed and pursued before she gets nude? The fantasies just seem safer. I can control them. He does what I like. He gives me long stemmed roses, kisses me like I’m the only woman alive and takes me to fancy restaurants in my head. He’s such a gentleman and kinky! Don’t hate.

Speaking of booty calls…a few days ago, The One Who Sets Me On Fire contacted me after vanishing for 2 months and 7 days. The nerve of him! Yes I counted! I told him I was no longer interested. Truth is, I am horny as hell but I didn’t appreciate him tossing me aside until he was ready to play with me again. And the bromance seems to still be going strong so I’ll pass. No thanks.