Baby Got Fat!

I started things back up with The One Who Sets Me on Fire a couple of months ago. He’s been trying to see me since our last tryst in January but I always made excuses not to see him. And then my vagina got lonely.

Fire is one of the best lovers I’ve ever had. I swear he got his Ph.d at the Pussy Whisperer Institute. He has the stamina of a teenager and he’s awakened something inside of me that I didn’t know existed. I’m even writing poetry again. I’m way too shy to share it here though. I’m sensitive about my shit! I never knew that I would enjoy lovemaking. I’m so used to getting pounded like a dirty whore during detached yet highly orgasmic sex.
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He has shown me the beauty of taking my time and the power of touch. When he partakes in my body, it feels like an “experiencia religosa” (in my Enrique Iglesias voice). It’s like taking the scenic route. I’m no longer spiraling through ecstasy but falling into the grooves of it. A man has never look so deeply into my eyes during lovemaking. There are times I want to look away but something about our oneness redirects me.

Of course this sounds oh so lovely but there is one little issue. I think he may have a fat fetish. I have dealt with enough fetishes to know when I see one. When we make love, things occur. Initially, he would tell me how sexy I am and then it progressed to:

“I like a thick juicy woman!”
“All of this thickness turns me on!”
“I love your big ass titties. Slap and smother me with them.”
“Whose thick body this is?”
“Can’t you tell by the way I make love to that juicy body that you’re so fucking sexy?!”

I could go on and on but you get the picture. The mere talk of my fat seems to rev his engine more. It’s as if he becomes another person literally. That green eyed hippie turns into a soul brotha #9 when he’s inside of me. The loving is so good I tune him out most of the time. He definitely likes more cushion for the pushing. That’s fine. But our last time together, he did something weird. When I was riding him, he grabbed my belly, flapped it up and down profusely and talked dirty to me!!!

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There are two things that you just don’t do with fat girls. First, you don’t mess with our food. Secondly, you don’t gather up our belly, love handles, etc like you’re about to throw it over your shoulder! Seriously?! It was bad enough that I hated being on top because I sweat like a  Shaquille O’Neal pig. I felt like the fattest chick alive. I wanted to twitch my nose and bewitch my ass out of that situation!  Heck, I even briefly considered reactivating my gym membership! After several seconds, the loud flapping stopped. I was so relieved!

I must bring out the weird in people. Next time I wouldn’t be surprised if he fed me or rubbed lotion all over my skin before he stuck his hose in again.

Worst Plan Ever

It’s has been nearly 3 months since I had sex. A few nights ago, I nearly had a breakdown. I was crying, feeling lonely and extremely hypersexual. I craved to be kissed, touched and loved (or least lusted after). I needed to feel something. I thought I was going to go mad. So I devised a plan…a very stupid plan. I decided to seduce (or at least seductively flirt with) Silver Fox. Yes, the professor!

I had it all planned out in my head. I would make up a random excuse to go to his office. He would be sitting at his desk. I would come behind him, whisper something dirty in his ear and start kissing on his neck. He would initially object but cave in as his breathing got heavier and heavier. Or I would reach across the desk to touch his hand innocently. Somehow, my touch would send passion through his veins like a wildfire! Desire would overwhelm us and he would take me on his desk LIKE A BOSS!!! Maybe I should lay off the soap operas.

The next day, I wore a “nice but not too nice like I was trying to get attention” dress. It was  Marilyn Monroe meets Zoey Deschanel. Sexy and flirty but with a dash of adorkable. When the moment of seduction drew near, I freshened up and took off my granny panties. I slipped on my sexy red & black lace boy shorts from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I couldn’t seduce him in sweaty ass big ass panties!

“G. U. Y.” by Lady Gaga played in my head as I sashayed to his office.  “I wanna be the girl under you. I wanna be your G.U.Y. Oh yeah!”

No one was there. He was at a department meeting.

“I guess I’ll come back later,” I muttered to myself as I slowly lost all the lady balls I was grabbing just moments earlier.

About an hour later, we ran into each other. Damn it! He was supposed to be at his desk! This wasn’t part of the m-effing plan! Damn it!

“Hi. Dr. ********. I was stopping by to pick up my assignment. Did you make your copy?” I said quite confident of myself.

“Oh. Ok. I think I may have it here,” he awkwardly said. Gosh he is so awkward but it’s kinda cute. My heart started to pound. He opened the door for me and we went inside. I closed his door behind me LIKE A BOSS!!! That awkward dick was going to be mine!!!

“Um…I did not get a chance to make a copy…I’ll be back shortly.”

I started to panic. My lace undies were giving me a major wedgie! I gave myself an internal pep talk. “Wink at him! Touch his hand when he gives your paper back! Lick your lips! Do something!”

He came back and…LEFT THE DOOR WIDE OPEN!!! Damn it! I can’t seduce him with the door opened! Thanks a lot Dr. Oblivious!

He told me that I did very well and thanked me. I thought the thanking me part was weird but I let it slide. We briefly talked about the upcoming term paper. He wanted to know more about my topic.

“Um…I don’t know…I’m still confused about what to do,” I said as I avoided eye contact and shifted my attention to the other professors talking in the hallway.

“Do you have any questions?”

I choked. I couldn’t go through with my sexy yet stupid plan. Too many f*cking barriers.

“No,” I said in disappointment over the opened door, my nervousness and the wedgie that increasingly limited blood circulation to my butt crack!

“No???” he said surprisingly as if he anticipated a different response.

I thanked him for returning my paper and left. All I kept thinking was, “That was so awkward!” and “I need to take off these damn panties!”