Online Dating Truly Annoys Me

A few weeks ago, I decided to dive back into online dating at my best friend’s urging. She was on Plenty of Fish and received many responses. I’ve never been on POF so I decided to reactivate my OkCupid account instead. Last year on OkCupid, I met The One Who Intrigues Me (the guy who wanted to become a polygamist). (Side note: He recently apologized and we went on another date. There were no sparks. I let him down gently and haven’t heard from him since.) Anyhoo, going back to OkCupid was pretty much a bust. There were tumbleweeds in my inbox. Also, I came across The One Who Soothed Me profile during a search. Yeah, that was awkward.

After leaving that ghost town, I decided to give POF a try. Boy was she right! I received messages left and right. It was unbelievable. And most of the guys were easy on the eyes! Where have these sexy specimens been all my life? I felt like a Beyoncé in the midst of admirers. I wasn’t accustomed to this type of attention that seemed to gush out like a glorious fountain. My ego was eating this up! I figured if I were to find someone new, I would move on from these jerks I attract. Maybe I would find The One.

Initially, POF was fun but it became overwhelming and irritating. The One Who Never Let Up found me and flooded my inbox daily. It became so severe that I blocked him. Also, Soothed had a profile on POF too! Was he going for some damn dating profile record? In addition, the messages that flooded in were the same ole same ole. No one really stood out. It was the same compliments, small talk and number exchange requests. It was like they were reading from the same script. Besides, I couldn’t possibly give my phone number to nearly 20 guys. What was a girl to do?

I exchanged numbers with 3 prospects simply because they were chattier than others. It turned out they weren’t so chatty. They solely communicated with me via text. Does anyone pick up the damn phone anymore? This seemed all too familiar. It reminded me of The One Who Loves to Text. These were 3 smelly big red flags. They vanished after I stopped responding. I didn’t see the point. They were probably married or had a girlfriend.

I grew even more irritated. I deleted my profile. This was the most annoying 3 weeks of my life.

Honestly, I don’t think that I am ready to date. I’m still on this journey of self-love and discovery. A sista gets lonely though. I lie awake at night wanting someone to find me in the dark. I want to get lost in someone’s eyes. I can’t remember the last time I was kissed and lost my breath. I want to fight and make up. I want to walk hand in hand. I want people to tell my boo and I that we’re such a cute couple.

Although I want those things, I don’t want to get to the point where a man is my only source of happiness. I want to complement him, not consume him. Been there, done that and have a t-shirt two sizes too small. Masturbation gets redundant but another casual relationship will only add more fuel to my love addiction’s fire. Maybe I’m just better off alone for now. Maybe I should get a cat or update my toy collection. Hubba. Hubba.

(Another side note: A few days after I deleted my profile, Soothed asked me if I was still on POF because he didn’t see me anymore. Why was he even looking for me? I told him that POF wasn’t my cup of tea.) 

Signing Off…For Now

Well, since everyone does not have the luxury of having Iyanla Vanzant to fix their life, I guess I have to do it the old fashion way—on my own. I need to operate on a higher frequency. I operate out of fear, complacency, guilt, regret and every negative emotion that I can wrap my darkness around.

The crying spells are closer together than normal. They are occurring on a weekly basis now. Today was a pretty bad day. It was so bad that I wondered what it would feel like to walk into traffic and get hit by a vehicle as I was walking home during rush hour.

I put on an unbelievable front for my family, friends and the world but I’m not “just depressed”, I’m severely depressed. I’m so unhappy that I feel lacerated. I feel punctured. I want to collapse into dust. I am bleeding on the inside but afraid to cough the blood up because I am afraid of what people may think. I feel so imprisoned by my current stage in life, my bipolar disorder, my financial situation, my weight, my love life—I’m sick of everything. And none of these things and more are not falling into place because I’m not in a happy place.

My passions for blogging, writing and other things have dissipated. I have not posted in either of my blogs for a while. I had to force myself to type up my last blog post. Although I have a few ideas for additional posts, I just cannot bear to type them right now. It no longer brings me joy.

Nothing that I am currently doing is working so I have no other choice but to deviate from my usual. I have to get out of this rut and find the key to happiness. I am cutting ties—some will be temporary, others will be permanent. So I am going on a hiatus from Paramour in Waiting and Utter Nappyness. Perhaps I will pop my head in every once in a while to do an update but I cannot make any promises right now. I want to thank you for all your support and every single word of wisdom and encouragement. Thanks for making me feel less alone.

-Nisha