Love Addiction?

One of the habits that I’m trying to do away with is having these strings of casual relationships. I know I must sound like a broken record by now. I seem to be attracted to emotionally or romantically unavailable men and they’re somehow drawn to me.

I initially ended my sexual relationship with Text a couple of weeks ago. He told me that he wanted to make me smile and that I shouldn’t push him away. That tugged at my feeble heartstrings. He came over the next week and we had sex just minutes after he arrived. I told myself—yet again—that this would be the last time. But it wasn’t. He became my latest addiction and I wasn’t going to let it go. We were in contact more frequently and he always seemed to know the most decadent  of words to say to make me pull him in closer. He made me feel so good. Nothing felt better than feeding off him.

He came over again a few days ago and I greeted him naked at the door in carnal desperation. I needed his hands and mouth to invade me. And you know the rest of the story—I also needed him to bury himself deep inside of me. Afterwards, we cuddled on the couch and he opened up to me about parts of his life that I never dare to ask. He told me about his troubled relationship with his live-in girlfriend. Yes, he has a girlfriend. I know what you all are thinking. He seemed so crushed and confused about how things changed once they moved in with each other. All I could do was listen, offer some sympathy, and rub his bare inner thigh as he spoke.

During the second round, something out of the ordinary happened. He told me to tell him that I loved him as he vigorously thrust against my quivering body. I uttered the phrase in sequences as if I were in a trance. It was such an intense moment. Tears streamed down my face. I wept. Perhaps I somehow wanted him to tell me that he loved me too but that never happened. Why would he make such an unusual request? Was he aching for his girlfriend to say, “I love you” instead? Was he imagining his girlfriend saying it instead? Were we using each other’s body to bury our unhappiness?

I talked one of my good friends about him and the incident. She in turn asked me a series of questions that hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess these questions were meant to bring me back to reality. She asked me about his intentions. She asked me if he ever said that he wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. My response wasn’t sufficed to her or me. She asked what did I want from him. I told her that I did like him but wasn’t expecting a relationship. I also told her that I was so accustomed to being wanted sexually instead of romantically anyway. Those words broke my heart. Tears welled in my eyes. She suggested that I should stay away from him. And that I should be in a real relationship—even if it fails—because at least I would know that the person would attempt to love and care for me. 

All of this has me wondering. Do I have a love addiction? Sex addiction? Is it a bit of both? All of these strings of casual relationships always leave me disappointed. I go from one to the next hoping for something different. Sometimes I feel that maybe these men will see how great I am and decide to love me instead. Other times I feel these types of relationships offer temporary relief from all the empty space that occupies and pains me. Sigh.

I’m going to quit him cold turkey. I’m going to distance myself and pretend that he doesn’t exist anymore. I’m going to be a bitch. I can’t see him anymore. If he’s having problems on the house front, he should deal with those problems instead of burying them deep inside of me with his penis. And I should stop using my vagina as a getaway. My va jay jay is not a resort! Pray for me. Send positive vibes. Sigh.

Panties on the Floor!

Our kisses were better than this!

Well, it’s official. Operation Avoidance has been aborted. Shortly after I posted my last blog, we end up talking about the other night.

He wanted to know if I had any regrets about it. I expressed that I did. He also told me that he had no expectations of us ever being sexual like we did in the past but wanted me to know that it’s ok to feel sexual. It’s ok to want to be kissed and touched. And that he would exert more control even although he found me irresistible.

Wow. No man has ever told me that I was irresistible before. That made me felt sexy. And the fact that he wanted to resist me intrigued me. As silly as this sounds, I somehow wanted him to resist temptation. I wanted him to lose control so that I could.

Then out of the blue, he asked me the craziest question in the world. He asked me if I was looking to be in a relationship with him. Huh? A relationship? I guess he thought that I wanted to be in a relationship in order to have sex. I’m not going to dive in a relationship just to have sex. That ludicrous! This journey has mostly been about not using sex to self medicate. Becoming celibate wasn’t solely based on withholding sex because I couldn’t find a man. He is a cool person and I like hanging out with him but I don’t see him as a romantic prospect. I couldn’t help but laugh!

I went over to his place later that night. We had dinner, talked, and watched movies. Things got heated again. Very heated. After I used his bathroom, he met me at the sink unexpectedly. We started to kiss passionately. It was one of those kisses that I envied in the movies. It was one of those kisses that unleashed every feeling that has been lying dormant for nearly 2 years.

That’s when I knew that he was right; it was ok to feel sexual. It was overwhelming. The way he kissed and touched me made me feel like a woman again. His sense of control intervened and he said that we needed to get back to the movie. A part of me felt relieved but deferred in my longing. I became addicted to the feeling that he gave me. I craved more of it.

Everything else became a blur after we sat back on the couch. I was paralyzed in longing and didn’t care what happened next. We began to make out again. He led me to his bedroom. He undressed, kissed, and licked me all over my body. He wanted me to lay there as he gave me pleasure and honey chile I was ok with that! LOL! Every kiss and every touch felt like fire! He took me into his mouth and the feelings I felt were indescribable. All I could do was moan and shudder in ecstasy. I was shaking like a leaf! He inserted his fingers inside of me and I got wetter and wetter. My body was yielding to him—something that I never thought would happen ever again. I had two orgasms and felt sleepy. The intensity of it all tired me!

I woke up later and found him playing a video game. I told him that I was going upstairs to sleep in my bed. He wanted to join me but I declined. I wanted to snore, drool, and didn’t want any witnesses. LOL! I also needed to time to reflect on what happened. I told him that I had fun and would talk to him later.

Did I see this as another celibacy setback? No. I was in complete control and didn’t use the situation to make me feel better about myself. I also didn’t wake up the next morning regretting it. In fact, the opposite happened. I kept reliving it and need to feel that way again—soon. I wanted those panties on the floor again!

Stay tuned for what happened next…