Under His Covers Blues (Part I)

“Why does my body ignore what my mind says?

I try to keep it intact, but I’m here in this bed.”

-Jill Scott

I was doing well at this no sex thing but it was cold and lonely. I missed the contact. I missed being taken to a different place. I missed the heat of it all. It was my ultimate distraction. My ultimate drug.

I avoided men. I rejected men that approached me. Heavens knows I do not make the brightest choices when it comes to men and it felt redundant to introduce new jerks into my life when I could always easily refer back to my spares.

The One Who Soothed Me started to have problems with his girlfriend this past summer. I slightly reveled in the unfortunate news. Horrible…I know. But I felt that this was must needed egg on his face! A part of me resented how he completely tossed me to the side after he found the White woman of his dreams. He even told me that she was The One. Who was I? Sally Fucking Fleming?

We began to talk more and hang out again. Shortly thereafter, she broke up with him. Asides from her fear of commitment (due to some baggage), she also felt that he lacked drive and that he solely depended on their relationship for his happiness.

After the break up, things seemed to pick off right where they left off. We talked every single day and saw each other just as much. It was like old times—cozying up on the couch for hours on end and releasing our inhibitions throughout the night.  It was a great distraction for me—perhaps for the both of us. We seem to thrive in unhappiness and uncertainty. It felt nice to have his undivided attention again.

A part of my attraction to him have a lot to do with our similarities. We are always in a state of constant wander, have the same insecurities and require a series of distractions to cope with our dramas. He admitted that he was getting addicted to me. He was quickly becoming my drug again too. We were getting high in different ways. It was only a matter of time before we both wanted more. He wanted to push my limits sexually. I wanted to push our limits in a romantic different direction…

You Just Miss My P*ssy!

I miss you girl. I swear!

A couple of weeks ago, I was celebrating my best friend’s birthday and saw a missed call on my phone. It was from Lawyer. If you recall, Lawyer and I parted ways a couple of months because he told me that he would never date a Black woman and that they were only good for sex.  That situation really hurt me because I thought I knew him and I wouldn’t have been intimate with a man who felt such a way. He sent a text asking for a call back. Maybe I should have ignored it but nonetheless, I was curious about what he had to say.

As soon as he picked up the phone, there was no greeting. He hurriedly said that he missed me as if he had been dying to say it. I was silent. I did not know how to respond. Instead, I changed the subject and asked about everything under the sun. I asked about the Bar Exam, job search, his mother—anything that I could think of that couldn’t invoke emotions on my part .

He then asked if he could see me later that night. Again, there was silence on my behalf. He took note of my lackluster responses and said that I didn’t seem too interested in seeing him. In classic Nisha fashion, I did not want to hurt his feelings and told him that I would see him after the festivities. It was a lie. I wasn’t planning on seeing him. It was after 11pm. I was surrounded by people and couldn’t say how I truly felt. But I also didn’t want to pull a Mimi from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta and say, “You hurt me to my core.” I was cold throughout the phone call.

After I ended the phone call, he immediately texted, “I really do miss you and I’m sorry (that) I messed things up.” I told him that I couldn’t see him and that what we went through really hurt me. He said that he wanted to kiss me. That’s when I knew something was up. This man never kissed me unless I initiated it. I eventually gave up kissing him all together!

I think he said those things to butter me up for a booty call. After that, I didn’t respond. He texted me again around 3am and the next afternoon. He wanted to know why I was acting mean. I told him that I wasn’t trying to be mean but I couldn’t let him get close enough to hurt me ever again. He replied with “wow” and I haven’t heard from him since.

This realization stung a bit because it reminded me of a previous experience. I didn’t share this on the blog but shortly after I began seeing Lawyer, Text contacted me. He wanted to see me. When I asked him upfront if he just wanted sex, he said something to the effect of, “Did I say that I wanted anything else from you?” After that asshole of a response, I picked my face off the floor and bid him farewell for good!

Let keep it real. Lawyer didn’t miss me. I know what he missed! He missed my mouth, pussy and the occasional anus. How can I be mad at him though? From the beginning, I allowed this happened. He saw me as a piece of ass because I put myself out there as a piece of ass. I didn’t set forth any expectations. I didn’t require anything more than an orgasm. This is why self-love is so important. I have been in many casual relationships looking for love outside of myself when I should have been looking inside all along. That saying is true, “If don’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?”

P.S. I haven’t had sex since June 26th. It’s been hard not giving the boys milkstaches from my milkshake but I’m trying my damndest!

Update: I just found out that he recently took a job in another city. So perhaps he wanted to have one last screw and totally disappear on me. Wow. I am literally speechless right now. I’m glad that I didn’t see him!

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