Google Made Me Do It

As some of you may have read, I have a crush on my professor aka The One Who is a Silver Fox. He’s no longer my professor and I don’t have to take his courses anymore. I’m still enrolled at the university though. The fact that I don’t have to take his classes anymore has unbridled my passion despite this failed attempt. It felt like the levee finally broke!

When I took his classes, I knew not to cross the line. It helped to police my desire. Well, as of late, I have been breaking all the rules! I have been more than cordial. I have been flirting up a storm! It started when he greeted me in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. I replied, “Hi sexy,” and sashayed down the hallway like I was Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter hunty. He giggled nervously. The response was quite odd for an older gentleman but then again, he’s on odd person. I thought it was kinda cute.

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Yeah. I’m sexy. Look back at it, bitch!

This alone was not enough to quench my thirst. Yes. I can admit I was acting thirsty y’all. I got away with even more subtle (and not so subtle) flirting and had to push the boundaries a little more. And how did I do that? Of course I did the most stalker-ish and creepiest thing possible—I Googled his ass! I found out his personal email and cell phone number. I contacted him via text and added him to yahoo messenger. I know it’s weird but please pick your jaw off the floor for a few moments. I’ve done weirder shit in my lifetime. The messages were playful and few and far between. I was not being a slut bucket about it which was difficult because slutbucketism is one of my specialties.

As you may have guessed, he did not respond to any of my messages. The intelligent part of my brain was not surprised. The bipolar-y/thoughts of grandeur side of my brain wanted a different outcome. A hot steamy kiss in the elevator like Anastasia and Christian a la “50 Shades”? A kiss in the pouring rain like “The Notebook”? A rendition of Fitz passionately overwhelming a lip quivering Olivia Pope?

Make both of my lips quiver Mr. President!

Make both of my lips quiver Mr. President!

Thinking back, I feel quite silly for my behavior. He probably thinks I’m some kind of psycho if he’s aware that it is me. Technically, I never identified myself but I my Yahoo id probably gave it away. Honestly, The Devil Google made me do it. Should I apologize though? What if his laugh was not meant to be cute? What if he was actually terrified?

Just Another Folder (Part II of II)

I could not stomach being in his presence any longer and left a few moments later. He texted me several minutes later and asked if I was upset and apologized. His apology didn’t matter to me at this point. He even had the audacity to hint around that he wanted to fool around. I was offended and I told him that it was best that we never saw each other again. I cried. I cried for being so stupid. I cried for letting him disrespect all this time. I cried because I diminished my self-worth every time I was involved with him.

All these thoughts ran through my mind. What if he actually slept with that crossdresser? Did they had unprotected sex?  Were there more? Also, how many women did he have unprotected with? What if he infected me with HIV? My last HIV test was January 2012. Why did I wait so long to get retested? He wasn’t the only person I was sexually involved with. What was I thinking? I needed to get tested ASAP!

The next morning, I purchased OraQuick In-Home HIV Test at the pharmacy for about $40. My heart raced on the walk home. I could barely breathe. I read the instructions over and over again. After several minutes of calming myself down, I finally took the test. I swabbed my lower and upper gums and placed the test stick inside the test tube.

After 20 excruciating minutes, I pulled off the cover to reveal the results. There was one line by “C” and there wasn’t a line next to “T”. It meant that I tested negative for HIV. Even though I was relieved, it still did not give me peace of mind. I had to retest in a clinical setting. I had to be sure.

A couple of weeks later, I went to the clinic and took a STD and HIV screening. The HIV results came in 45 minutes and were negative. I felt so at ease and it taught me a good lesson. It taught me that I cannot trust anyone with my body. It is my responsibility. I also need to get tested regularly especially if I’m sexually active. I also should have protected sex 100% of the time. It also taught me that you never know what someone is hiding from you. I would have never dreamt that he had an affinity for crossdressers.

We have not communicated since that night.  We cross paths on occasions and pretend that we don’t see each other.

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