Maniac Mistake

Overspending is one of the many symptoms of bipolar disorder. Some people overspend when they are maniac. Some overspend during depressive episodes. Some do both. My overspending occurs more when I am maniac. I want everything in sight and feel worthless when I cannot have it. I feel as though I deserve it even if I am spending money that was allotted for something important. I do not think things through or fear the consequences of my impulsive actions.

Before I was diagnosed for bipolar disorder in 2007, I ruined my credit by 22 years old. I spent all my bill money on things that were not necessary (e.g. clothes, hair extensions, recreation, etc). I opened up bank accounts that were eventually closed due to excessive bad checks and overdrafting.

Some time last year, a bulk of my charged off accounts were dropped from my credit report. My credit score improved and I began to receive pre-approved offers in the mail. I was ecstatic and felt that this improvement would be beneficial for my future. My car has been stolen since last year and my plan was to get another one once I got financially stable.

I initially ignored the pre-screened offers. But during some of my maniac phases, I applied for credit accounts. As of today, I have 7 credit accounts. Six of them stay maxed out because I have to use what I put into them to live each month. I am even paying 1 of my credit cards with another credit card. I cannot afford these payments and I end up in the red every month.

I have to get help from my mother and it is so embarrassing. I am supposed to help her in her old age. I promised my father on his death bed that I would. I am supposed to be a responsible and productive adult. I feel like such a failure at times. I often wonder if she feels the same. I turn down many invitations to go out because I do not want people to know how I destitute I am. My close friends are understanding and pay for many of our outings but it only makes me feel worse.

I feel swallowed whole by this debt. A part of me just wants to stop paying these bills and ditch my credit again but it took so long for me to get back to this point. I cannot afford to disregard my bills and wait another 7+ years for another breakthrough. I will be 40 years old!

Sigh. I need to do better. This is ridiculous. I feel so ridiculous. Sorry for complaining. I just needed to vent.

 

Signing Off…For Now

Well, since everyone does not have the luxury of having Iyanla Vanzant to fix their life, I guess I have to do it the old fashion way—on my own. I need to operate on a higher frequency. I operate out of fear, complacency, guilt, regret and every negative emotion that I can wrap my darkness around.

The crying spells are closer together than normal. They are occurring on a weekly basis now. Today was a pretty bad day. It was so bad that I wondered what it would feel like to walk into traffic and get hit by a vehicle as I was walking home during rush hour.

I put on an unbelievable front for my family, friends and the world but I’m not “just depressed”, I’m severely depressed. I’m so unhappy that I feel lacerated. I feel punctured. I want to collapse into dust. I am bleeding on the inside but afraid to cough the blood up because I am afraid of what people may think. I feel so imprisoned by my current stage in life, my bipolar disorder, my financial situation, my weight, my love life—I’m sick of everything. And none of these things and more are not falling into place because I’m not in a happy place.

My passions for blogging, writing and other things have dissipated. I have not posted in either of my blogs for a while. I had to force myself to type up my last blog post. Although I have a few ideas for additional posts, I just cannot bear to type them right now. It no longer brings me joy.

Nothing that I am currently doing is working so I have no other choice but to deviate from my usual. I have to get out of this rut and find the key to happiness. I am cutting ties—some will be temporary, others will be permanent. So I am going on a hiatus from Paramour in Waiting and Utter Nappyness. Perhaps I will pop my head in every once in a while to do an update but I cannot make any promises right now. I want to thank you for all your support and every single word of wisdom and encouragement. Thanks for making me feel less alone.

-Nisha