Overspending is one of the many symptoms of bipolar disorder. Some people overspend when they are maniac. Some overspend during depressive episodes. Some do both. My overspending occurs more when I am maniac. I want everything in sight and feel worthless when I cannot have it. I feel as though I deserve it even if I am spending money that was allotted for something important. I do not think things through or fear the consequences of my impulsive actions.
Before I was diagnosed for bipolar disorder in 2007, I ruined my credit by 22 years old. I spent all my bill money on things that were not necessary (e.g. clothes, hair extensions, recreation, etc). I opened up bank accounts that were eventually closed due to excessive bad checks and overdrafting.
Some time last year, a bulk of my charged off accounts were dropped from my credit report. My credit score improved and I began to receive pre-approved offers in the mail. I was ecstatic and felt that this improvement would be beneficial for my future. My car has been stolen since last year and my plan was to get another one once I got financially stable.
I initially ignored the pre-screened offers. But during some of my maniac phases, I applied for credit accounts. As of today, I have 7 credit accounts. Six of them stay maxed out because I have to use what I put into them to live each month. I am even paying 1 of my credit cards with another credit card. I cannot afford these payments and I end up in the red every month.
I have to get help from my mother and it is so embarrassing. I am supposed to help her in her old age. I promised my father on his death bed that I would. I am supposed to be a responsible and productive adult. I feel like such a failure at times. I often wonder if she feels the same. I turn down many invitations to go out because I do not want people to know how I destitute I am. My close friends are understanding and pay for many of our outings but it only makes me feel worse.
I feel swallowed whole by this debt. A part of me just wants to stop paying these bills and ditch my credit again but it took so long for me to get back to this point. I cannot afford to disregard my bills and wait another 7+ years for another breakthrough. I will be 40 years old!
Sigh. I need to do better. This is ridiculous. I feel so ridiculous. Sorry for complaining. I just needed to vent.