Worst Plan Ever

It’s has been nearly 3 months since I had sex. A few nights ago, I nearly had a breakdown. I was crying, feeling lonely and extremely hypersexual. I craved to be kissed, touched and loved (or least lusted after). I needed to feel something. I thought I was going to go mad. So I devised a plan…a very stupid plan. I decided to seduce (or at least seductively flirt with) Silver Fox. Yes, the professor!

I had it all planned out in my head. I would make up a random excuse to go to his office. He would be sitting at his desk. I would come behind him, whisper something dirty in his ear and start kissing on his neck. He would initially object but cave in as his breathing got heavier and heavier. Or I would reach across the desk to touch his hand innocently. Somehow, my touch would send passion through his veins like a wildfire! Desire would overwhelm us and he would take me on his desk LIKE A BOSS!!! Maybe I should lay off the soap operas.

The next day, I wore a “nice but not too nice like I was trying to get attention” dress. It was  Marilyn Monroe meets Zoey Deschanel. Sexy and flirty but with a dash of adorkable. When the moment of seduction drew near, I freshened up and took off my granny panties. I slipped on my sexy red & black lace boy shorts from Frederick’s of Hollywood. I couldn’t seduce him in sweaty ass big ass panties!

“G. U. Y.” by Lady Gaga played in my head as I sashayed to his office.  “I wanna be the girl under you. I wanna be your G.U.Y. Oh yeah!”

No one was there. He was at a department meeting.

“I guess I’ll come back later,” I muttered to myself as I slowly lost all the lady balls I was grabbing just moments earlier.

About an hour later, we ran into each other. Damn it! He was supposed to be at his desk! This wasn’t part of the m-effing plan! Damn it!

“Hi. Dr. ********. I was stopping by to pick up my assignment. Did you make your copy?” I said quite confident of myself.

“Oh. Ok. I think I may have it here,” he awkwardly said. Gosh he is so awkward but it’s kinda cute. My heart started to pound. He opened the door for me and we went inside. I closed his door behind me LIKE A BOSS!!! That awkward dick was going to be mine!!!

“Um…I did not get a chance to make a copy…I’ll be back shortly.”

I started to panic. My lace undies were giving me a major wedgie! I gave myself an internal pep talk. “Wink at him! Touch his hand when he gives your paper back! Lick your lips! Do something!”

He came back and…LEFT THE DOOR WIDE OPEN!!! Damn it! I can’t seduce him with the door opened! Thanks a lot Dr. Oblivious!

He told me that I did very well and thanked me. I thought the thanking me part was weird but I let it slide. We briefly talked about the upcoming term paper. He wanted to know more about my topic.

“Um…I don’t know…I’m still confused about what to do,” I said as I avoided eye contact and shifted my attention to the other professors talking in the hallway.

“Do you have any questions?”

I choked. I couldn’t go through with my sexy yet stupid plan. Too many f*cking barriers.

“No,” I said in disappointment over the opened door, my nervousness and the wedgie that increasingly limited blood circulation to my butt crack!

“No???” he said surprisingly as if he anticipated a different response.

I thanked him for returning my paper and left. All I kept thinking was, “That was so awkward!” and “I need to take off these damn panties!”

So There’s This Guy…Well…Guys (Part II)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

(FYI. Part II won’t make sense unless you read Part I.)

What was this life altering news? Are you sitting down? Please tell me that you are sitting down.

I found out that The One Who Sets Me On Fire and The One Who Is Special are in a blossoming bromance.

dafuq
Yes. You read that correctly. They initially became friends on Facebook but I did not think much of it. I’m FB friends with people that I’ll never talk to on the phone nor see in person. But somehow, someway they have been hanging out in the flesh! From what I could gather (as inconspicuously as possible), the bromance began in October. How did I find out? Special mentioned his name in passing. I tried not to seem too interested because I did not want to raise any suspicion.

“Yeah, we talked about you the other day,” he said casually. He rapidly changed the subject (damn ADD) but I redirected him.

“Oh…really? Y’all talked about me? All good things I hope,” I nervously said.

“Yeah. We were just talking about how cool you are. He was just saying how you [like to] attend art shows…”

“Oh.”

Was that it? No discussion about how both their penises attended my vagina?

I let out a big sigh of relief in my head. That big sigh turned even smaller after he showed me what Fire gave him. Sidenote: Fire has never bought me a gift. Never! Unless I counted the 15 pack of Heineken that I’ve slowly been giving away for months because I don’t drink beer!

My heart nearly stopped. What the hell was going on?! Am I being Punk’d? Is this the f*cking Twilight Zone? Did I pop a Molly?

I cracked a smile and jokingly asked, “So are you guys like besties now?”

“Yeah. Something like that,” he nonchalantly replied.

How in the entire f*ck did this happen? I can see why they would make great friends. They’re comic book nerds, free spirits and work in the same profession. But why me? Why is this my life? Ugh!

I doubt Fire will say anything because of his need for discretion but I cannot say the same for Special. He tends to go on tangents. What if he mentions my vagina during one of those tangents? It shouldn’t concern me because I’m not with either one of them. In addition, my vajayjay belongs to me. But we all know that I will look like a Sluts McGee in their eyes.

I cannot go through another embarrassing situation like this. Yes. Another one. Let’s take a skanky trip down memory lane. Shall we?

The year was 2003. I met The One Who Was a Rude Boy while employed at Old Navy. He was a Caribbean teenager who flirted with me constantly. I did not take him seriously because he was barely legal. After our shift, I met The One With Dreadlocks—his older brother. There was an instant attraction. I pestered Rude Boy about his brother but he was being such a cock blocker. I devised another plan—get close to Rude Boy to get to Dreadlocks.

I could barely catch up with the object of my desire when I visited Rude Boy. I gave up on my mission. Rude Boy and I slept together once but I still couldn’t get Dreadlocks off my mind. When I finally encountered Dreadlocks, I made my move. I kicked Rude Boy to the curb and took Dreadlocks as my new lover.

We perfected the art of discretion until Rude Boy walked in on us bumping and grinding a few months later. He told us to have fun and left. Once the dust settled, we continued our trysts. We later drifted apart after I told him that I wanted to be with him. He reconsidered the relationship idea months later but the thrill was gone. I also saw the err of my ways.

Last summer, I saw a pic of Dreadlocks and his new wife on Facebook. And here I am. Still single. Maybe I am a Sluts McGee…

Present day I find myself in another pickle. Maybe pickle is the wrong word. What is a girl to do? I’m honestly at a loss for words even though I just typed over 700 of them.