My Warning Label

When I meet someone new, a part of me is afraid to show my true self. Of all the people I know and love, there are probably less than a handful of people who understand me. I can be simple and complex. I am full of contradictions and some people may take it as dishonesty. I am still trying to find me. If I had to guts, I would tell any person who wanted to date me the following:

1. I am a loner. There are times when I don’t answer my phone or open the door simply because I want to be alone. Don’t take it personal.
2. I stay in my head a lot. I’m not tuning you out. Sometimes my thoughts compete with others when they’re talking. I can’t shut it off.
3. There are times when I go on a writing binge. Most likely, it’s about you or it may not be. And I don’t like sharing so don’t ask to read it unless I grant you permission.
4. I am not a neat person. I clean up for appearances but my closet is the only place where there is complete chaos and I LIKE IT.
5. I don’t mind cuddling for a few minutes. I don’t like feeling restrained. I have to pee a lot because I drink a lot of water and soda. I also fart in my sleep.
6. Don’t shove or move my face during oral sex. I hate that shit. I know what I’m doing. I never had complaints.
7. I don’t like to ride. I love when a man in control and I like it a little rough. And no, I won’t just lie there. I do believe in gyrating my hips.
8. I’m very vocal in bed. So vocal that everybody and their mama can hear me. If I’m silent, you are doing a poor job.
9.  I am very forgetful. If I tell you I will call you back and I don’t, chances are I forgot.
10. I can be jealous and a bit obsessive,  if and only if I like and/or love you a lot. If I don’t like you, expect the complete opposite. I will pretend you don’t exist.
11. If our first sexual experience is horrible, you won’t see me again. Sorry.
12. I get depressed at times. I would like to be left alone 1-3 days when I feel this way.
13. My mood switches frequently.
14. I feel lost at times so I am quite shifty and indecisive.
15. I have rage in me that I try to keep hidden or on reserve until I need it. I rarely need it though.
16. I am passive aggressive. I won’t say that I’m mad at you; I’ll just do or say certain things so you can get the hint.
17. I am bipolar. This may explain some of these weird traits I have.
18. I am a free spirit and love going against convention. I’ll find any excuse not to fall in line.
19. I am not religious. Don’t ask me to go to church or push religion down my throat.
20. I have facial hair. I shave and pluck them but it comes back. Deal with it. There are times that won’t shave my armpits or legs.

This is only a partial list. I know that most of it sounds strange but I like to think that I’m worth it. I wonder who would date me after knowing all of this shit now.

Worst Sexual Experiences

My friend and I were discussing our worst sexual experiences ever and I decided to blog about it today. I’ve decided to share a few.

In 2003, I met Micheal from the chat line. A chat line? I should have known better. He worked for Intercontinental Airlines and seem like a nice person. After seeing each other for a short while, things between us became sexual.

He led me to his bedroom and he had one of the smallest penises I have ever seen. He couldn’t get an erection! I went down on him and it felt like I was sucking on a Vienna sausage! He became frustrated and retrieved his pump. A pump? WTF! It was a weird and uncomfortable moment for me. I have never seen a contraption like that before. He inserted his penis and pumped it for several minutes!

I wanted to leave so bad but he was my ride home. I couldn’t call my friends or parents because we were outside the Houston area. I got really turned off and tried to put my clothes back on but his feelings were getting hurt. Out of pity, I decided to just lay there and take it. Huge mistake! I felt nothing as he thrust to no avail. My eyes were opened the entire time in complete misery and he pass out on top of me! I rolled him over and contemplated stealing his car to go home. I went through his wallet and decided he needed to pay me for that torturous experience. His wallet was empty, of course. He woke up 2 hours later and took me home. I ignored his calls and he eventually got the message.

Around 2005, I met an East Indian from Jamaica. His name was also Michael. Go figure. It necessarily wasn’t the sex per se. It actually wasn’t bad. It was his behavior during. He told me not to moan. He kept telling me not to look at him. He told me not to move. He even told me not to touch him! It was a weird experience. It was as if he wanted me to be lifeless. Maybe he was into necrophilia. It was so “future serial killer” like to me. And yeah, I never spoke to him again.

My last weird sexual experience was about 2 years ago. He was from Senegal and was shy and soft spoken. I thought it was so sweet. We went out to eat and caught a movie. After the movie, he wanted to fuck in his back seat in the movie theater parking lot. I declined. I’m not a back seat kind of girl. But I did touch his penis. He was huge! A few weeks later, I was so horny and wanted him inside of me. He came over. When he slid his penis inside of me, I got very excited. It was so thick and long, I couldn’t compose myself. I am a very vocal person in bed, especially if a man‘s doing it right. After I let out my moan, it startled him and he left in the middle of sex! He left! No explanations! Nothing! He called a few days later and said that he thought my moan was out of pain, not pleasure. WTF?

Well, those are my top three worst sexual experiences. I hope you guys had a good laugh. I know I did. Maybe my next blog may be my best experiences.