Excuse the Bipolar…

The past few days have been pretty dark for me. I wasted days either drinking copious amounts of wine, listening to music without regards for my neighbors, watching porn and masturbating. I had so many important things to do but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. All of my intentions felt weighed down by bricks. Really large depressing bricks.

Today I woke up after 11am. Irritated. Withdrawn. Wishing that everything around me would burn to the ground.

Whenever I feel this way, I go to my closet and look inside my box of crazy containment. What is my box of crazy containment? Months’ worth of medication—Abilify and fluoxetine (generic form for Prozac) in a shoe box. I look at them and wonder. I don’t wonder if I should take them consistently. I look at them and wonder if I should take them all at once to stop the pain.

Say hello to my little friends.

Say hello to my little friends. Enemies? Frienemies?  Hard to tell at times.

Intellectually, I know that wouldn’t be such an awesome idea. I also think about what my mom said, “Don’t kill yourself. Insurance don’t pay if you kill yourself.” I imagine her struggling to pay for my funeral. I can also imagine how her crazy daughter has brought shame upon to the family yet again. As if I didn’t bring her enough shame as a promiscuous teen and directionless adult. Aren’t I quite the prize? Don’t answer that question.

She still helps me out on my bills every month. This month she gave me $300 and nearly all of it went on credit card bills. I’ve acquired even more credit card debt since this post. It is suffocating. Sometimes I just want to abandon all these bills and give my mom and me a rest. Maybe I should.

School is becoming suffocating. I have several papers due in less than a month. A bulk of them are for a class that I cannot seem to grasp. Maybe I should have chosen Creative Writing instead. I have no passion for this subject. Silver Fox made school more bearable but since my awkward seduction stunt, I feel so weird around him.

I still don’t even know what my passion is. I have no clue about what to do with my life. I’m f*cking 34 years old. What the f*ck is wrong with me? Sometimes I wish I can run away from it all.

Feeling restless, I searched for “bipolar disorder” in Netflix. The documentary Of Two Minds came up. I watched it and it resonated with me to a certain extent. I felt like it only scratched the surface though.

Maybe I should do a documentary on bipolar disorder. Become a hooker? A bank robber? A nun? A nomad? Nah. Maybe I should just go to sleep and hope there isn’t a day #5 of this bullshit! I want to feel normal again.

I’ve Come to a Decision!

After all these year riddled with indecision and depression, I have decided to get off my ass and obtain my Masters degree! I have been sitting around looking at these four walls and feeling sorry for myself for too long. I feel it is time to finally do something productive with my life. I need something to look forward to. Watching television, surfing the net and compulsive eating does not seem to do the trick anymore. My brain cells and waist line hates me so much right now. Anywho…

When I received my BA in journalism in 2008, my future felt bright. “This was it,” I thought to myself. “The world is at my feet!” I thought that I would become financially stable and happy with my life for once. I imagined myself with a nice house, luxury car and going on vacations. Well, it did not quite work out that way. What happened? Life.  The severity of my bipolar disorder also occurred.

A few months before graduation, The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same terminated our casual relationship after 3 years. He told me that I was dead to him. I was devastated for months. I grew more depressed when he informed me several months later that was he leaving town. In between that time, I stopped taking my medication. I  grew tired of the side effects. I grew tired of everything. I was let go by my doctor for missing too many appointments. Although it was just my psychiatrist, I felt rejected by yet another person.

In February 2009, I was laid off my job after 5 years. There were talks about me being placed in a management position. I held on to that hope instead of looking for a career in my respective field. Complacency and fear of change made me stay. When I decided to pursue a job in the journalism field, I did not have any relevant experience. It seemed like rejection stood on every corner I turned.

I grew even more depressed.

Around this time, the economy was in a terrible state and many were without work. There did not seem to be any jobs in sight! I drained all of my unemployment benefits for nearly 2 years. I turned in my letter of resignation at life. I shut myself off from the rest of the world and camouflaged my inner turmoil. People suggested that I go back to college during this downtime but I was not listening. I felt like I did not have a place in this world anymore. Why even try?

Last year, I obtained employment but was terminated due to a consumer report. So here I am—6 months later in the same position in which I am unhappily accustomed. Zero progression and I have no one to blame but myself. Lately I have been trying harder than ever to change that. I have applied for work left and right. Although I have received several “We went with a candidate with more experience” emails, I am going to keep searching.

Even though this intense job search has been frustrating and depressing, I cannot let it beat me down to a pulp. I have bled on the ground for far too long. It is time for me to get up even if I may stumble at first. I do not want to enter another year stagnant and in a deep depression. I want to be able to say that I did something productive in 2013. Going back to college will give me a glimmer of hope.