It’s a week today since Soothed and I last made sexual contact. A part of me is relieved. I hate that I let the mania and its hypersexuality overthrow my celibacy. It seems like everything I worked hard for was flushed down the drain. I became a hypocrite. And I hate hypocrites! I became that “good time” girl that I was desperately running away from. It painfully reminded me that there were still traces of her left inside of me. It made me feel hopeless.
I wanted to abstain from any kind of sex until I was in a loving, healthy, and mutual romantic relationship. But love wasn’t exactly pushing everyone out the way to get to me. I felt so lonely and Soothe was there to show me some attention.
On the other side of the coin, there’s a part of me that feels disappointed. I feel disappointed because I feel less desired by him. Sounds silly, right? (Side note: Being bipolar packs doses of unwarranted delusions and paranoia.) When I felt him surrounding and overwhelming me, it came with elation that I cannot fully translate into words. It was exhilarating. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins again. Now that I’m off that rollercoaster, I feel a bit let down. I want more tickets to the admission but he’s already packed up and moved to the next town. And I’m the circus freak that he knowingly left behind. I feel deserted.
We’ve probably exchanged a handful of texts since our last encounter. And I initiated them for the most part. And since my experiences with The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same in regards to my excessive or untimely calls and texts, I tend not to pester anyone. Then I began to wonder if our last time together turned him off somehow. Maybe hanging out nearly 12 hours wasn’t such a bright idea. But that was all of his doing. I tried leaving but there was always another song to hear or video to see. I was so exhausted but what other guy was willing to be so generous with his time? And him wanting me around felt nice. Or perhaps it was his ADD taking over.
I wish I could stay on one side of the coin instead of shuffling these emotions around. It’s so exhausting. I should be grateful that the temptation is no longer there. Now that the mania is wearing itself thin, some regret has settled in. I need to recapture my celibacy, lock myself in a room, and avoid men in general.