7 Days Without Touch

All alone yet again.

It’s a week today since Soothed and I last made sexual contact. A part of me is relieved. I hate that I let the mania and its hypersexuality overthrow my celibacy. It seems like everything I worked hard for was flushed down the drain. I became a hypocrite. And I hate hypocrites! I became that “good time” girl that I was desperately running away from. It painfully reminded me that there were still traces of her left inside of me. It made me feel hopeless.

I wanted to abstain from any kind of sex until I was in a loving, healthy, and mutual romantic relationship. But love wasn’t exactly pushing everyone out the way to get to me. I felt so lonely and Soothe was there to show me some attention.

On the other side of the coin, there’s a part of me that feels disappointed. I feel disappointed because I feel less desired by him. Sounds silly, right? (Side note: Being bipolar packs doses of unwarranted delusions and paranoia.)  When I felt him surrounding and overwhelming me, it came with elation that I cannot fully translate into words. It was exhilarating. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins again. Now that I’m off that rollercoaster, I feel a bit let down. I want more tickets to the admission but he’s already packed up and moved to the next town. And I’m the circus freak that he knowingly left behind. I feel deserted.

We’ve probably exchanged a handful of texts since our last encounter. And I initiated them for the most part. And since my experiences with The One Who Didn’t Feel the Same in regards to my excessive or untimely calls and texts, I tend not to pester anyone. Then I began to wonder if our last time together turned him off somehow. Maybe hanging out nearly 12 hours wasn’t such a bright idea. But that was all of his doing. I tried leaving but there was always another song to hear or video to see. I was so exhausted but what other guy was willing to be so generous with his time? And him wanting me around felt nice. Or perhaps it was his ADD taking over.

I wish I could stay on one side of the coin instead of shuffling these emotions around. It’s so exhausting. I should be grateful that the temptation is no longer there. Now that the mania is wearing itself thin, some regret has settled in. I need to recapture my celibacy, lock myself in a room, and avoid men in general.

Operation Avoidance

Image by quinn.anya via Flickr

I have been trying to avoid Soothed. Although the other night was quite hot and exciting, I felt as though that we were going back in time. I think that the other night was a mistake. Why did I let it get so far? How do I expect him to respect me (or my celibacy) if my boobies were in this mouth? After that night, he has made some comments. He’s mentioned that he wanted to ram a dildo in my butt a couple of times. He also wants to see me naked.  I brushed it off because I know that I am not going there with him but I know that he wants to take things further sexually.

No offense but if I were to ever revoke my celibacy, I want it to be with someone who wants to have vaginal sex aka regular sex. I would also like it to be with a gratifying penis—not a dildo or any other type of machinery. I can do that myself and have been doing that myself for quite a while now. I want it to be romantic, spontaneous, and passionate—not some “I wanna  fuck you like an animal” type of thing. Although I do love it rough but it doesn’t equate to being intimate to me. Does that make sense? I don’t want to feel like a $2 whore taking her whore bath in the sink afterwards.

And anal play/sex doesn’t scream “OMG. I can’t wait!” to me. It screams a resounding and unequivocal “OUCH!” It took me a while to get adjusted to anal sex and my engine is not revving to re-stretch that region again. And the constant self-consciousness and enema usage took out the excitement for me. There were times that I was more concerned about being clean enough than focusing on the pleasure. I know that sounds silly but it’s so true. It also lacked a raw spontaneity and his fetishes for anal play seem to take precedent over everything else.

I know that I cannot avoid him forever. Why did I expect something different when we started to hang out again? Hmm. Silly me, I suppose.