“Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I’m here in this bed.”
I was doing well at this no sex thing but it was cold and lonely. I missed the contact. I missed being taken to a different place. I missed the heat of it all. It was my ultimate distraction. My ultimate drug.
I avoided men. I rejected men that approached me. Heavens knows I do not make the brightest choices when it comes to men and it felt redundant to introduce new jerks into my life when I could always easily refer back to my spares.
The One Who Soothed Me started to have problems with his girlfriend this past summer. I slightly reveled in the
unfortunate news. Horrible…I know. But I felt that this was must needed egg on his face! A part of me resented how he completely tossed me to the side after he found the White woman of his dreams. He even told me that she was The One. Who was I? Sally Fucking Fleming?
We began to talk more and hang out again. Shortly thereafter, she broke up with him. Asides from her fear of commitment (due to some baggage), she also felt that he lacked drive and that he solely depended on their relationship for his happiness.
After the break up, things seemed to pick off right where they left off. We talked every single day and saw each other just as much. It was like old times—cozying up on the couch for hours on end and releasing our inhibitions throughout the night. It was a great distraction for me—perhaps for the both of us. We seem to thrive in unhappiness and uncertainty. It felt nice to have his undivided attention again.
A part of my attraction to him have a lot to do with our similarities. We are always in a state of constant wander, have the same insecurities and require a series of distractions to cope with our dramas. He admitted that he was getting addicted to me. He was quickly becoming my drug again too. We were getting high in different ways. It was only a matter of time before we both wanted more. He wanted to push my limits sexually. I wanted to push our limits in a
romantic different direction…
I wasn’t going to blog about this but what the hell? I felt like I needed to release it into the blogosphere. It may seem trivial to some (aka my closest friends) but eh, most of them don’t read my blog anyway.
Today makes a month since my breakup with The One Who Loves to Text. Sure, we wouldn’t have worked out in a gazillion years but today still kinda stings though. I never thought I would end up falling in love with someone who I used to flick off like a piece of lint. And after being single for 7 years, I was excited and blindly saw potential in us—even after knowing about a few of his previous relationships fails.
The way we started off was wrong. He was involved with someone and I knew it. Maybe this was karma’s way of getting back at me. She made me fall in love with him. She also made me think that things could work out with us after they parted ways. Maybe this wasn’t karma’s doing. Maybe it was due to my own f#ckery and my necessity to be and feel loved at any cost.
Several feelings are swirling around right now. I feel lonely. I feel like every relationship I pursue is doomed to fail. I feel angry that I gave all of me and received nothing—unless you count penis. (Side note: I really wasn’t getting much of that either. LOL.) I feel a sense of loss but how is it possible to mourn something that I never had? But I also feel a sense of relief because I felt like my heart was always holding its breath around him. I feel free but somehow crave the dysfunction.
I really need to go to a SLAA meeting. I really do. Sigh.
I made a breakup/sentimental/lovesick soundtrack a few minutes ago and I’m going to listen to it. Music is a source of healing for me. I like to crank it up and lose myself. I’m going to reflect, maybe get a lil’ teary eyed and eventually laugh myself out of it when I realize what the f#ck I’m doing.
- “Choux Pastry Heart” By Corrine Bailey Rae
- “Fool of Me” by Me’Shell Ndegeocello
- “Love Ridden” by Fiona Apple
- “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri
- “Not As We” by Alanis Morissette
- “Don’t You Remember” by Adele
- “The Scientist” by Coldplay
- “Tears Dry on Their Own” by Amy Winehouse
- “I’d Do It All Again” by Corrine Bailey Rae
- “Do You” by Ne-Yo
- “Anytime” by Brain McKnight
- “Good Mourning” by india.arie
- “Le BOOM Vent Suite” by Jill Scott
- “Out My Mind Just in Time” by Erykah Badu