Should I Settle Too?

All this time I have been waiting for Prince Charming. In the meantime, I have been entertaining and dodging frogs as a temporary distraction. I know what to expect from frogs. I expect for them to be slimy and to leap in and out my vagina, mouth, and/or anus life. I’m not saying that I’ve been holding out for an Idris Elba or Channing Tatum but I’m sure as hell don’t want a Ray-Ray. A Ray-Ray is unemployed, misogynistic, and has several baby mamas and felonies. No sir or ma’am! I don’t care how big his dick may be. Wait…hold up. How big is it again???

What if the perfect man doesn’t exist? I’m sure as hell not the perfect woman. I’m bipolar, overweight, and financially unstable. Sure I have positive attributes but who gives a rat’s ass if you’re not a video vixen or a Victoria Secrets model.

Should I just settle for a Ray-Ray? Maybe Ray-Ray is a really nice guy but just a product of his environment. Besides, it seems like most of the women I know are settling anyway. Should I just say “fuck it” and join the crowd? It’s not like I’m not used to dealing with bs anyway. At least I won’t go to the movies alone anymore and the other side of the bed will be occupied at night.

I have a friend who is shacking up with an unemployed drug addict who doubles as her man bitch. Of course he disappears on binges from time to time but at least he cooks, shaves her va jay jay, gives her pedicures, and babysits the kids. I have a relative that is involved with a verbally abusive man who is also on the down low. Of course he may be sending out sexually suggestive messages to other men and claims he’s not gay or bi but at least he lets her sleep on his sister’s floor (after he destroyed her furniture and got her evicted). I know a wife who is verbally abused by her husband on a regularly. Of course he’s a big ole meanie who is suspected of cheating but he appears to be good father and provider. I know another wife who got married for financial security. Of course she may not be in love with her husband but at least she got a boob job and is always going on cruises and vacations. Actually, her situation doesn’t sound too bad after all. Sign me up for that…minus the boob job. I have enough to feed an entire village!

Is this what relationships have become? Does true love even exist anymore? Are people settling for less because they don’t want to be alone or broke? I’m not scared of lonely like Beyoncé but I’m sure quite sick of it.

Well, since you asked Mr. Wonka...

Don’t mind if I do Mr. Wonka. What an awesome suggestion!

Honestly, I thought my chances would improve if I dated outside my race. Wrong! Soothed fetishized me and used me as his kinky sex guinea pig. Although our BDSM experiences were quite illuminating, liberating, and hot, I was never a romantic option for him. He told me in so many words that a Black woman wasn’t who he envisioned as a potential mate. Although Intrigue didn’t fetishized me, he didn’t come around often and demanded discretion. Silver Fox is different but I don’t know if he’ll ever pick up what I’m dropping. 

The lack of a mate is troublesome to my mother. She won’t stop hinting about my age and my need to get pregnant. She is always recommending some “get your body ready for a baby” supplements that she’s seen in the newspaper or television. She has even attempted to hook me up with a guy I dated as a teen. The One Who Was Troubled introduced me to cunnilingus and orgasms in the spring of ‘94. Perhaps a 14 year old should have been hanging out at the mall instead of having orgasms but it is what it is. Although he was a sweet person, he suffered from a mental illness and was intellectually impaired. I visited him in psych facility after a failed suicide attempt. We drifted apart eventually. As a 14 year old, I wasn’t equipped to deal with his issues. I’ve always known that he carried a torch for me. Throughout the years I’ve managed to let him down gently. His wife passed away in recent years and he has two little girls. He gave my sister his phone number and wants me to call.

Should I call?

Should I settle?

Just Another Folder (Part II of II)

I could not stomach being in his presence any longer and left a few moments later. He texted me several minutes later and asked if I was upset and apologized. His apology didn’t matter to me at this point. He even had the audacity to hint around that he wanted to fool around. I was offended and I told him that it was best that we never saw each other again. I cried. I cried for being so stupid. I cried for letting him disrespect all this time. I cried because I diminished my self-worth every time I was involved with him.

All these thoughts ran through my mind. What if he actually slept with that crossdresser? Did they had unprotected sex?  Were there more? Also, how many women did he have unprotected with? What if he infected me with HIV? My last HIV test was January 2012. Why did I wait so long to get retested? He wasn’t the only person I was sexually involved with. What was I thinking? I needed to get tested ASAP!

The next morning, I purchased OraQuick In-Home HIV Test at the pharmacy for about $40. My heart raced on the walk home. I could barely breathe. I read the instructions over and over again. After several minutes of calming myself down, I finally took the test. I swabbed my lower and upper gums and placed the test stick inside the test tube.

After 20 excruciating minutes, I pulled off the cover to reveal the results. There was one line by “C” and there wasn’t a line next to “T”. It meant that I tested negative for HIV. Even though I was relieved, it still did not give me peace of mind. I had to retest in a clinical setting. I had to be sure.

A couple of weeks later, I went to the clinic and took a STD and HIV screening. The HIV results came in 45 minutes and were negative. I felt so at ease and it taught me a good lesson. It taught me that I cannot trust anyone with my body. It is my responsibility. I also need to get tested regularly especially if I’m sexually active. I also should have protected sex 100% of the time. It also taught me that you never know what someone is hiding from you. I would have never dreamt that he had an affinity for crossdressers.

We have not communicated since that night.  We cross paths on occasions and pretend that we don’t see each other.

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