Google Made Me Do It

As some of you may have read, I have a crush on my professor aka The One Who is a Silver Fox. He’s no longer my professor and I don’t have to take his courses anymore. I’m still enrolled at the university though. The fact that I don’t have to take his classes anymore has unbridled my passion despite this failed attempt. It felt like the levee finally broke!

When I took his classes, I knew not to cross the line. It helped to police my desire. Well, as of late, I have been breaking all the rules! I have been more than cordial. I have been flirting up a storm! It started when he greeted me in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. I replied, “Hi sexy,” and sashayed down the hallway like I was Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter hunty. He giggled nervously. The response was quite odd for an older gentleman but then again, he’s on odd person. I thought it was kinda cute.

bey

Yeah. I’m sexy. Look back at it, bitch!

This alone was not enough to quench my thirst. Yes. I can admit I was acting thirsty y’all. I got away with even more subtle (and not so subtle) flirting and had to push the boundaries a little more. And how did I do that? Of course I did the most stalker-ish and creepiest thing possible—I Googled his ass! I found out his personal email and cell phone number. I contacted him via text and added him to yahoo messenger. I know it’s weird but please pick your jaw off the floor for a few moments. I’ve done weirder shit in my lifetime. The messages were playful and few and far between. I was not being a slut bucket about it which was difficult because slutbucketism is one of my specialties.

As you may have guessed, he did not respond to any of my messages. The intelligent part of my brain was not surprised. The bipolar-y/thoughts of grandeur side of my brain wanted a different outcome. A hot steamy kiss in the elevator like Anastasia and Christian a la “50 Shades”? A kiss in the pouring rain like “The Notebook”? A rendition of Fitz passionately overwhelming a lip quivering Olivia Pope?

Make both of my lips quiver Mr. President!

Make both of my lips quiver Mr. President!

Thinking back, I feel quite silly for my behavior. He probably thinks I’m some kind of psycho if he’s aware that it is me. Technically, I never identified myself but I my Yahoo id probably gave it away. Honestly, The Devil Google made me do it. Should I apologize though? What if his laugh was not meant to be cute? What if he was actually terrified?

Should I Settle Too?

All this time I have been waiting for Prince Charming. In the meantime, I have been entertaining and dodging frogs as a temporary distraction. I know what to expect from frogs. I expect for them to be slimy and to leap in and out my vagina, mouth, and/or anus life. I’m not saying that I’ve been holding out for an Idris Elba or Channing Tatum but I’m sure as hell don’t want a Ray-Ray. A Ray-Ray is unemployed, misogynistic, and has several baby mamas and felonies. No sir or ma’am! I don’t care how big his dick may be. Wait…hold up. How big is it again???

What if the perfect man doesn’t exist? I’m sure as hell not the perfect woman. I’m bipolar, overweight, and financially unstable. Sure I have positive attributes but who gives a rat’s ass if you’re not a video vixen or a Victoria Secrets model.

Should I just settle for a Ray-Ray? Maybe Ray-Ray is a really nice guy but just a product of his environment. Besides, it seems like most of the women I know are settling anyway. Should I just say “fuck it” and join the crowd? It’s not like I’m not used to dealing with bs anyway. At least I won’t go to the movies alone anymore and the other side of the bed will be occupied at night.

I have a friend who is shacking up with an unemployed drug addict who doubles as her man bitch. Of course he disappears on binges from time to time but at least he cooks, shaves her va jay jay, gives her pedicures, and babysits the kids. I have a relative that is involved with a verbally abusive man who is also on the down low. Of course he may be sending out sexually suggestive messages to other men and claims he’s not gay or bi but at least he lets her sleep on his sister’s floor (after he destroyed her furniture and got her evicted). I know a wife who is verbally abused by her husband on a regularly. Of course he’s a big ole meanie who is suspected of cheating but he appears to be good father and provider. I know another wife who got married for financial security. Of course she may not be in love with her husband but at least she got a boob job and is always going on cruises and vacations. Actually, her situation doesn’t sound too bad after all. Sign me up for that…minus the boob job. I have enough to feed an entire village!

Is this what relationships have become? Does true love even exist anymore? Are people settling for less because they don’t want to be alone or broke? I’m not scared of lonely like Beyoncé but I’m sure quite sick of it.

Well, since you asked Mr. Wonka...

Don’t mind if I do Mr. Wonka. What an awesome suggestion!

Honestly, I thought my chances would improve if I dated outside my race. Wrong! Soothed fetishized me and used me as his kinky sex guinea pig. Although our BDSM experiences were quite illuminating, liberating, and hot, I was never a romantic option for him. He told me in so many words that a Black woman wasn’t who he envisioned as a potential mate. Although Intrigue didn’t fetishized me, he didn’t come around often and demanded discretion. Silver Fox is different but I don’t know if he’ll ever pick up what I’m dropping. 

The lack of a mate is troublesome to my mother. She won’t stop hinting about my age and my need to get pregnant. She is always recommending some “get your body ready for a baby” supplements that she’s seen in the newspaper or television. She has even attempted to hook me up with a guy I dated as a teen. The One Who Was Troubled introduced me to cunnilingus and orgasms in the spring of ‘94. Perhaps a 14 year old should have been hanging out at the mall instead of having orgasms but it is what it is. Although he was a sweet person, he suffered from a mental illness and was intellectually impaired. I visited him in psych facility after a failed suicide attempt. We drifted apart eventually. As a 14 year old, I wasn’t equipped to deal with his issues. I’ve always known that he carried a torch for me. Throughout the years I’ve managed to let him down gently. His wife passed away in recent years and he has two little girls. He gave my sister his phone number and wants me to call.

Should I call?

Should I settle?